The List

Chapter 18

I also didn't look at Regina, though. I was staring at my food and I could tell Ruby was feeling the tension. She shot me a confused glance and I shrugged, subtly.

"Well, I spend a lot of my time around people in the same business as I, and that's quite exhausting. Most actors are really fake and if they're not fake with you, you have to watch them act fake in front of other people. Status is really important and with all of you.. I feel like you can all be authentically yourselves, without being afraid that people will judge you. That's refreshing and I like that, because your authentic selves are really fun."

"That's really sweet, Regina," Belle said. Graham and Ruby nodded along, but I felt my hand palms sweat, because now that Regina had answered a question, she was to ask me a question.

Regina turned her head towards me and for the first time during dinner, we looked at each other. Somehow, this felt like a really intimate moment. Her knee was still against my leg and now her eyes were gazing into mine. I swallowed thickly.

"How come you're so good at breaking and entering?" Regina had that question ready to go, that much was clear. Ruby and Graham chuckled and even Belle cracked a smile. They knew the story and they knew how much I disliked telling it.

"I don't think you want to hear this story," I said. "It's not very interesting."

"Emma, rules are rules! You need to answer Regina, that's the game," Graham said. I rolled my eyes at him and Regina's eyes shifted between Graham and me.

"If you don't want to tell me, it's okay. I'll think of another que.."

"Everyone here already knows, Emma. It's nothing to be ashamed of," Ruby said.

I wasn't ashamed of it. I was okay with sharing the story, I just didn't want Regina to think differently of me. The way she viewed me was very important. I knew I'd already shattered her positive opinion on me, but I wanted to restore it.

"When I was sixteen, I lived on the streets. I had to survive some way, so I taught myself how to steal. I started getting better at it and stole a car. Turns out, the car was already stolen and the guy who'd done that, became my boyfriend." Regina raised her eyebrows. Perhaps it was a bit hard to follow, I was skipping some details. "He taught me how to break in at places. I never forgot, that's how I know."

"You forgot the part where he gets you pregnant and gets stuck in jail," Ruby added, as if she was doing me a favor, but I squinted my eyes at her. I turned my head back to Regina, who seemed to need some time taking this all in.

"He got caught by the police and saved my ass by saying I had nothing to do with all of it. I aborted the baby and got into a new foster home. And so, my life got back to normal."

I was not proud of that time in my life. If it hadn't been for Cleo Fox, my last foster mother, I probably would've continued to be a screwup, but she'd taught me how to live with my past and myself.

"That's.. wow, that's really intense. I'm glad you got out of everything okay," Regina said. She put her hand on top of mine and even though she'd done the same with Graham minutes ago, it still made me feel special. "I hope you don't hate me for asking this on Christmas Eve."

I laughed. "Of course not. Don't worry, it's good you know," I replied. I assumed she'd take her hand back, like she'd done with Graham, but her soft hand stayed on top of mine. It made it much harder to think of a question for Ruby, but it also made me much more hopeful that our friendship was salvageable.

~~~~~

"Thank you for this fun evening, Emma! Do you really not want our help cleaning up?" Ruby asked. She was standing in the doorframe, next to Belle. They were both not sober, but both conscious enough to walk home alone.

Graham hadn't drunk any alcohol during dinner, just like Regina. Both of them were ready to go, too. Graham was putting on his coat. "I'll make sure they get home safe," he whispered to me and I offered him a smile. Ruby, Belle and Graham left and I assumed Regina would go too, but she closed the door and looked at me.

After I'd answered her question, we'd continued avoiding each other's gaze. I'd sometimes caught myself looking at her, but apart from our legs touching, we hadn't made any contact. She'd removed her hand from mine pretty soon, too.

Now, she was leaning with her back against my door, clearly waiting for me to say something. Her face was blank and I knew this was the moment I should apologize to her.

"I'm sorry, Regina," I said, and Regina raised her eyebrows, seeming surprised. I thought that was what she'd expected me to say. Either way, I wanted to continue. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, for storming at you after a long workday, while there were people present, I'm sorry for making you the bad guy for something I should've thanked you for. I know it couldn't have been an easy decision to break up my relationship with Killian, but I'll forever be glad you did it. I hope you can forgive me for treating you so bad, because I'd really love to be your friend again."

Regina swallowed. Her face stayed expressionless, I had absolutely no clue what she was thinking. She moved away from the door and sat down on the couch. At least, she didn't feel like running away immediately.

"I've been angry at you for yelling at me," she eventually said. "But I know you were in a bad place mentally. I know that Killian had made you feel you couldn't live without him and I know I was out of line. I had no right to end your relationship and meddle in your life, but I'm glad to know you don't still hate me for it."

"I've never hated you for it," I immediately replied. "I was angry, but not just at you. I was angry at the whole situation. I was angry that you took a glance at my relationship and instantly saw it was toxic, even though I spent the last two years of my life with him."

I sat down next to Regina and looked at her. I noticed a hint of a smile on her lips and her knee brushed against mine. "For most of the time you were happy with him, Emma. It's so much easier to recognize an unhealthy relationship when you're not in it," she said and honestly, those words meant a lot to me.

I had been happy with Killian and it wasn't wrong to remember that, too. The past weeks I'd been mentally punishing myself for ever being with Killian in the first place, for not having noticed that he'd been having an affair, for allowing myself to be vulnerable with him, but I'd loved him. Part of me still did. That would fade eventually and I was getting over him, but I still hadn't fully recovered from our relationship. It was okay to accept that it hadn't been all bad, that I could mourn my relationship, not just because of all the bad things, but because it made me sad that the good things were over.

"It was also refreshing to have you yell at me." Regina didn't sound sarcastic, but I had to figure she was, because this sounded untrue. She looked at my confused face and laughed. "God, Emma, no one ever dares raising their voice against me. It's hard, you know. Having everyone I meet walk on eggshells around me, because they're so impressed that I was on their TV. I'm not used to people being angry at me, unless it's for a scene, but it was oddly.. nice to be put in my place, to be told I did something wrong, when I deserved it."

I laughed softly. Regina seemed sincere and looked at me with big eyes. It was nice to be talking to her like this again. It was nice to have mended things. I was glad I had my friend back.