Blooming in the Spring

Chapter 16

TW: Descriptions of torture

"Why don't you start by telling me how you've both been readjusting to 12?" Aurelius says, pulling me from the deep-rooted panic that I'm trying so hard to swallow. I do not want to talk about my past or my nightmares or the darkest thoughts that still make their way into my mind in the latest hours of the night, not with Aurelius or Peeta, or anyone. And I most certainly do not want to hear about the things that haunt Peeta, either. The thought of that feels even worse. Because I know, though he denies it, I am the reason for his pain. I may not have been the one to crack the whip or throw the punch, and I'm not the reason he was Reaped of the Games in the first place, but I am undoubtedly what got him into so much trouble. I often wonder what life would have looked like for him if I had eaten the berries in the arena and died the way I was supposed to. He wouldn't have been safe from the Capitol, of course. His children would still be subject to future Reapings. He'd have to be a mentor with Haymitch. But the torture, the loss, and the destruction all could have been avoided if it weren't for me. At least that's what the worst part of my mind likes to tell me. 

"It's been alright," Peeta says first, clearly recognizing that I'm not jumping to get the conversation rolling. 

"You've been spending a lot of time together," Aurelius says warmly. He's trying to be as kind and delicate as possible, I know that. But he could shower me with the most comforting words imaginable and I still would not be interested in talking about any of this with him. "Does that make adjusting easier?"

We both freeze and I feel Peeta's eyes on me. Still, I do not utter a word. 

"Mostly," Peeta says. "I can't speak for Katniss, I guess, but for me, it helps to have someone around who understands."

"Of course," Aurelius says with a sincere nod. "You two understand each other better than anyone else, I imagine. You've been through so much together, things others couldn't possibly realize." 

"It's been nice having him here," I say quietly, knowing that both of them are expecting me to pitch into the conversation. Besides, it's the truth. It has been nice having him here and I don't mind acknowledging that. 

Peeta is still looking at me, though I do not raise my eyes to meet his. I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. I know he's looking for something beneath my words. What do I mean that I like having him here? Is it just that? Or is it something more? I wish I knew the answer myself but everything is much too confusing, especially in the presence of someone unfamiliar. I'm suddenly worried that Aurelius will press me further on my feelings for Peeta. I don't want to hurt him again and I'm sure that my uncertainty would. At best, it would only confuse him, and then where would we be? 

"I'm so glad to hear that," continues Aurelius. "But there are other things, too, aren't there? That you don't understand about each other."

I brace myself for impact. Here it is, just what I predicted. I feel like I'm back onstage in the Capitol, preparing to tell tales of my love for a boy that I hardly even knew. Except he knew me. He loved me. And I manipulated him, over and over until it turned into something bigger that neither of us could control. It's what got us here in the first place, my lies and deception and desperation to save my own skin. 

"I'm not sure what you mean," Peeta says, and I wonder if he's anxious too. If he is, it doesn't show. Of course, he's always been much better at articulating his feelings than I have been. 

"Well, for one, your time in the Capitol, Peeta."

My heart sinks even further. The only thing I want to talk about even less than my confounding feelings is Peeta's torture. My body tenses and I fixate on a spot on the carpet, pretending to be interested in the intricate maroon pattern.