Tracy Trouble

Tormented Tracy

She can work those lights so they fiddle with the traffic.
Sometimes she's mean as an M-16 automatic.
She got ragin' eyes.
Nick Lowe.

The remaining hours blurred, but at some point Tracy drove me home in silence. I still felt dysfunctional, and Tracy seemed unhappy with me. Eventually, she said, "Ray, you embarrassed me."

Oh look, it's All-About-ME Tracy!

"Tracy, I'm sorry, but can we talk tomorrow? I'm really helpless right now. Please?"

She fiddled with the keychain for a few seconds. "No, Ray. There's something else on my mind. You came on so strong at your house, then backed off like it was nothing. I felt violated at the time, but now I'm just confused."

"Tracy, can't we..."

She interrupted, "No. It's been bothering me all night. Did you really think I would like it?"

One sopping wet part of you liked it...

"Please, Tracy, can we talk about this some other time? I'm not able to..."

I deflated again.

Tracy raised her voice. "No, Ray. Tell me right now! Why did you try to... you know, force me? Why?"

"I was horny."

Oops...

I had no energy to lie.

Tracy reacted immediately, slamming on the brakes, then parking against a curb. I had never seen a woman so enraged, and Tracy was finally not cute. We were only five blocks away from my house, but I guessed her wrath couldn't wait.

"No No No No No!!!" Tracy screamed at me, as I withered in the passenger seat.

"No! YOU don't get to treat me this way! Noooooo. Not... you, Ray. Noooo."

Her soprano wail somehow sounded beautiful.

Tracy violently shook me. "Noooo. You were the last decent guy I've been with. All the others were jerks who treated me like a piece of meat.  Ray, you can't do this to me, too. You. Just. Can't. After... what we did that night, I was afraid you'd think I was easy. That I was just another one of your sluts. Ray, I'm not really like that. I know I seemed like it, but I just couldn't help myself with you, and you were so... persuasive. I've never been with a man who was so forceful, and had no idea how to handle you. I thought we had something beyond... sex. You said we did. You said it, you know you did. Was it all lies? Ray, I trusted you, gave you everything I had, and you said I was special... Why are you doing this to me? Why? WHY? WHYYY???"

Tracy grabbed my tie and tossed me around like a puppet. I just sat there, unable to respond, and not caring. I deserved every bit of what Tracy had for me. Had I not been in my state, I could have reassured her of her place in my life.

Actually, I never would have said, "I was horny." I would have said something like, "My love, you brought me so much pleasure the last time I saw you, that I just lost control. You're all I've been thinking about since Anna told me you were back."

I had discovered that most women didn't mind being being the object of my lust, but they needed to be a personal inspiration of my desire, and not just an available hole.

Her face red with anger, sorrow, and pain, Tracy continued. "You're worse than all the others, Ray. You made me believe I was worthwhile, and it's all gone now! I'll never have... anyone."

She pummeled the steering wheel with her arms, and tears flowed down her cheeks. Tormented Tracy was a sight I never wanted to see again.

As she continued to rage, Tracy struck me a few times. I was too weak to resist, unable to even raise an arm in defense. She could have strangled me and I wouldn't have fought her.

I finally managed to squeak out, "Tracy, I'm sorry. You're right, I'm horrible. Just take me home and you never have to see me again, I swear. Just another few blocks, please..."

I must have looked pathetic, because her last hit to my head lacked any force. She started her car, then drove the rest of the way while sobbing. I hated myself more than ever.

Before I crawled out of the  passenger seat, I said, "Tracy, you're a wonderful woman, and someday a good man will be blessed to be with you. I'm sorry I couldn't be that man for you."

I quickly closed the car door and shuffled away before she could say anything. As I stepped onto my porch, she continued hitting the steering wheel and bawling. I went inside and didn't look back. My final memory of Tracy was her pain, the pain I had caused.

***********

The next day, I had only vague recollections of the events at the party, though I vividly remembered the way I had felt and Tracy's words in the car.

Brad was right. I had fully recovered, stronger than ever. No longer would I hide the distasteful parts of myself. If I felt vain, boastful, superior, or cruel, then I would just deal with it, not deny it.

As for Tracy, I was unhappy with her. She had caused me so much trouble, and I had completely misread her. I couldn't hate her, because I never saw any malice, but the way she played the victim at the end seemed out of line.   

Everything I had told Tracy about my feelings had been genuine, and she had become my side piece with eyes wide open. She fully knew my reputation, and went with me anyways.

After all that, Tracy expected me to view her as a Good Girl? We were supposed to pretend our fluids had not mixed in a glorious way?

I felt bad for hurting yet another woman I cared about, but didn't have the same intense guilt for how I had treated Alice, Rachel, and a few others. Nonetheless, I hoped Tracy would find happiness in her life.

By the end of the day, I confirmed a date with a woman I had met the previous week, and Erica's outrageous flirting had made my time at work an erotic and sensual eight hours. The previous night's events rapidly sank into a fetid swamp of my many other failed dates.

Tracy who?

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