Deities of Deceit

Chapter Nineteen

The guilt slowly began to turn into justification. My mind healed when I was with her, and for some reason, this healed my body too. Less pain in my heart led to less pain in my flesh, and soon, I was back on my feet, back to work.

But, my addiction was set. Every night, I journeyed back, and every morning I'd say it'd be the last time.

Going back to work came with great difficulty. The Adachi residence always welcomed guests, and in the past, it meant nothing to me. I'd do my duties, serve and return home with ease. But now, every time I walked into a crowded room filled with black people, I became jittery and afraid. I'd begin to sweat and my heart would race and pound. I'd feel their gaze on me and it'd send me back to the town square, getting whipped while they all watched.

When they laughed, it was as though they were laughing at me, when they whispered, it was as though they were whispering about me. Years and years of everything I had endured and ignored was now in my face and it was extremely difficult to function.

It wasn't just them, sudden noises startled me, no matter how little. The sound of a door shutting, the washing of plates, the hammering of wood, beating of clothes, things that filled my day to day life, that in the past held no meaning to me, now held a significant power over me. By the time I returned back home, I'd cry for hours and wrap myself in a wrapper to feel like I was being hugged. Nothing in this world made me feel safe, only sleep. And crying made me sleep faster.

With passing time, I learnt just how to go about my day with as little triggers as possible. I never went into the kitchen after meals. After dusk, I'd dust and rag the floors. At noon, when the residence was the most noisy, I'd spend it outside washing clothes. It helped not to see black people, though that was almost unavoidable. But the color of their skin was one of my worst triggers.

There was no leaving the Adachi residence, and though I didn't tell Mama of all my struggles, she knew just by looking at me how much being around black people filled me with fear, so, she refrained from sending me on any errands. She'd go herself if the Adachi's needed something, or send my brothers.

The sun was thirty-minutes away from setting, when I began to prepare to rag the floors. All the guests had left, or so I thought when I marched into the common room and was surprised to find General Yarima—Udume's now finance—sitting on a chair while peeling kola nuts. He startled me and I jerked a little, making his gaze turn to mine sharply.

"Nimah?" he called after a moment's pause.

I exhaled and made a slight bow. "Jookwah, General. I... I'm sorry for the intrusion, I believed the room to be empty." My voice was shaky and shallow.

He grinned. "It was before I came."

I nodded, squeezing my rag.

General Yarima was the only colored person whose presence didn't send me into a triggered frenzy. Something about the way he looked at me calmed me.

I first took notice two nights before that day, at the masquerade dance when he walked into me and I fell, catching a quick glance of his feet. I noticed he was colored and knew what that meant. It was still illegal for a white person to—in any capacity—bring harm to a person of color.

'Up here' he had commanded, and hesitantly, I lifted my gaze to his, anticipating my fear to turn into raging jitters. Those jitters never came. His dark brown eyes, gentle and kind, trained on me with warmth, melting away the cold of my fingers.

It was the first time I looked into his eyes up close, and I became caught in a trance. Both of us froze at that moment, and then it came: a little gentle pull from my abdomen, the kind I felt that night in the desert with the blue-eyed servant girl. It tugged at me, compelling me to set it free though I had no clue what it was.