COTE: The Aftermath

Ayanokouji's Weird Morning

Amoguskouji Sussytaka POV 😳

(Keep in mind Ayanokouji may be OOC, but honestly I just see him as a person that would do things with a reason, and would do things if it doesn't harm his peaceful life-chan.) 

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Waking up with a blank stare at the ceiling, before getting up and taking a shower, putting on the uniform and walking to class, alone. That was usually, my routine. That was until now.

I stared at the wall, my face was blank purely emotionless. Until a certain memory came to my head, a darker blonde hair girl with a white gown, a child, a hope for the future. An angel... An angel that fell that is.

Yuki was her name. I do remember a lot of thing about her, but if it was something that I can remember vividly... then it's her smile. 

It doesn't mean I was trying to forget that moment, nor did I try to engrave it in my mind... but her smile still keeps on coming up. Like a ghost that keeps on haunting me.

... No it's not like it's haunting me. I don't understand this emotion, I have long since accepted emotions are hindrances, and that I don't need them...

But a part of me still lingers to that day, the day she first smiled. Was this hate? I don't like this feeling, and I can't describe it. 

Do I hate that smile? No, there's no reason for me to hate it so why should I hate it? And at the same time there was no reason for me to remember that time, as much as I try to suppress this feeling... the more it aches, the more it screams, the more it wants.

Was it because...

I wanted to smile like that too? 

Don't be stupid. Emotions are a hindrance, I don't have a reason to smile. I stood up, averting my eyes from the wall while a memory in my head still lingers up to this day.

Opening my door with an expressionless face, I walked through the silent corridors of the school. 

I can never deny that all my life, I have been curious of a lot of things.

One of them is friendship. I do wonder, what makes a person bond to another person? Generally, humans are social creatures since it's already in their genes. 

But what makes a human have a bond with another human? Was it simply instinct? Or was it by choice? And if there was a chance...

I looked at my hands. 

Will I ever stop looking at people as pawns? I scoffed at my thoughts. No, the only way I can survive is to look at everything as pawns, just as long as I win, I survive. 

It's simple...

Just as I was thinking about those words suddenly someone called me from behind. Turning my head around I took a look at who called, to my surprise it was Horikita who was approaching me. 

"Ayanokouji-kun, I have question for you." Horikita stood right in front of him with usual gaze, a gaze that could freeze a whole mountain.

Unfortunately, I'm much more colder.

"What do you think about... your life?" Horikita asked a question. It's weird for her to suddenly ask this. I gazed at her eyes before deducing that somehow... they must have learned something about me.

"My life is fine, I guess." I answered vaguely. "What brings up this question?"

"I'm just... curious." Fine? Huh, I would say it is fine, but I'd say the fine is a normal life. Was this normal? In the eyes of others, was this normal?

Though I ask question, I already know no one could answer me. Normal, seemed so simple to other's eyes, but in my own inverted world, I have trouble understanding it.

Looking at Horikita's face I can already sense the fact that my life had been somehow, revealed to the others. Although I do not know at to what extent, I sure do hope they don't know the horrors of the White room.

In that place, my thoughts were empty, nothing but a curiosity was there with me. Emotions were hindrance, that was the first thing that the white room had taught me, no more like my instincts had taught me.

To survive in that place, trust was simply a word and friendship was simply a tale for us. I've always watched people, observing them even the tiniest things that they do. When they lie. When they are embarrassed. It was all engraved on my head.

Of course, that was with a reason, a reason to exploit them when they have forced me to. A peaceful life was neutral, no? If that was the case then it would be better to fade away in the background and become the shadows of others itself.

But in my case, even though I have sought a peaceful life, I truly don't understand what it is. What it brings to me, but I want to live like it.

After all being I'm simply a false human. 

Anger, shock, happiness, sadness... all of those emotions, and for years I have suppressed them, to the point where I couldn't understand them anymore. My past emotions... were simply just another part of me.

A part of my life. That was it, Horikita, Kei, Ichinose, Hiyori... they were all simply a part of my life, pawns I can easily manipulate, I can easily place in my desired position for them. 

But if that was so, a part of me wondered why. In that cold white room, all four walls were white... why did I try to help her?

There was no reason for me to do so, and I know it would endanger me, so why would I simply help Yuki? Why did I point those out, knowing that she had reached her limits and that she needed to go away?

My brain accepts it, but a part of it does not. It only keeps on whirling and whirling around in my head.

The word "freedom" to me felt like a salvation to me. But I have accepted it as curiosity, but as more years pass by I wonder to myself. Was it curiosity really? Was it truly I that reached out to her? 

The more I answer the more questions pop up in my head, like a never-ending paradox. 

"Let's go walk together." Horikita said before grabbing my hands and she started to walk, letting go of my hands she took a simple glance at me while turning her head around. She giggled, never thought I would see this day...

But even so, this word peaceful life and freedom, I am only experiencing them because of curiosity. 

I wanted to be with my friends because of curiosity.

I wanted to learn more about emotions because of curiosity.

I helped Class-D because I wanted to see them grow, I wanted to see the leaders and the class clash for my curiosity and make my "heart race" It's simply like that. 

But the more that I simply say the truth, the more that I say that these are simply just a product of my curiosity, it feels like my brain denies my words.

It's just curiosity. I don't need another reason.

Yes... just simply... curiosity.

Was it truly? 

___
Anyways, based on his monologue, I'm pretty sure you could guess he is softening up. I know people will hate this, but again, affection is one of the most greatest weapon especially to Kiyo when he is an emotionless guy.

Kiyo has emotions, let me get that straight, but he can control it for so long, he doesn't even know how to use them anymore. Even though he has a mentality of someone that sees everything as a pawn and yada yada, but he is no different than a child actually. Living in a secluded life he sees everyone as tools because he had a loveless environment, so if we put him in an environment where he receives a lot of love, he just might change.)