Hear my lullaby

22.

                       22. Three conditions

Freya

I rushed to the building where Oliver lives, I had to tell him everything and just cry. I rang his apartment's doorbell and soon he came to open the door, he looked suprised. I was holding back my tears.
He took my hand and pulled me inside, then closed the door behind him. He placed his hands on my cheeks and made me look at him into his eyes, he looked so worried.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He only asked. I just nodded and then he leaded me to his living room and made me sit on the couch. The wine bottle was on the coffee table, but I didn't want to drink it. Only thinking about it made me feel nauseous.
"I basically told him to stop thinking about me.. then I.. I think I said that I would want him to kiss me. He went pale and didn't say anything. I rushed here then. He probably thinks that I'm crazy." I mumbled, then chuckled desperately a little. 

"I can imagine his face.. right now he probably hates himself because he didn't kiss you as you wanted." Oliver stroked my back and I smiled a little nervous. Probably. Maybe he's right. Or maybe Joel really thinks that I'm so out of my mind that he doesn't want to see me anymore. I tell him to go away, then I say that I want him. Then again I say that he should find another woman. Then I say that I want him to kiss me. And I want to kiss him.
"I just confuse him. I'm so dumb." I hid my face with my hand as I almost drowned to shame.
For a while we just sat there in silence as Oliver tried his best to calm me down, I just kept hating myself. I was so tired, so I showed my face again to Oliver. He looked at me smiling lightly.
"I'll get my blanket and pillow. You can sleep in my bed, I sleep here." He stood up and I wanted to stop him and tell him that I can sleep on the couch. But I was too tired to say it, and I knew that it would be waste of time. He's stubborn.

I was massaging my forehead when Oliver came back. Suddenly there was a knock on the front door, it made me flinch.
"Is it Juuso?" I immediately asked when Oliver made his way towards the door.
"I don't think so, he has a spare key. And he would never knock so silently." He shrugged his shoulders as I stood up and hugged my body with my arms. I followed Oliver with slow steps, but I stayed further away. He opened the door a little and looked through the gap. I only saw the light from the stairwell.
"Is Freya here..?" I heard Joel's soft voice. It made me inhale as I felt a weird feeling in my stomach, like tickling or something like that.
Oliver turned to look at me and I gave him one nod, so he stepped aside and I almost rushed to the door. Oliver then left us alone, and only seeing Joel made me so relieved.
"You came here..." I silently said. First he didn't know what to say, and then he opened his mouth. Was he going to tell me that I'm crazy or does he have something else in mind?

"I did. I couldn't just go back and try to have fun after what you said. Could I.. come in?" He looked over his shoulder, I think that there was a neighbour somewhere, I heard steps. I backed up and he closed the door behind him. There we were.. standing in front of each other closely. His eyes were locked to mine and I barely blinked.
"Freya.. I'm so confused." He whispered and he sounded desperate. And it's my fault.
"I think I'm still hating myself of how I left you. It's so hard to forgive myself. I have mixed feelings.. I don't know if I should let you go, or..." I shrugged my shoulders. He frowned a little and came even closer to me. All of sudden his hand was on my cheek, caressing it gently. I felt millions of shivers going through my body. I've never felt like this with anyone else. Only with him. And he clearly saw my reaction, judging by the small smile he had on his face, but soon it faded away.
"But you know what, Joel?" I continued whispering. His eyes moved from my lips to my eyes.

"I don't want to let go of you. I did it once, and it's the biggest mistake I've ever done in my whole life." And when I told him that, I saw hope in his eyes. I saw him being less tense and the way his face relaxed.. like all of the pain he has carried just flew away.
"Don't hate yourself. I just..." He started but he had to stop. He had so many tears in his eyes and he couldn't focus. He closed his eyes. I wiped all of those small tears away from his cheeks with my thumbs. Then he leaned his head against my hand.
"I've slept so badly lately.. all I want right now is to have you by my side." He opened his tired eyes again.
He was very tired. I could see it by those dark circles under his eyes that he hasn't been sleeping well. And it made me so happy that he wanted me to sleep next to him. And not some.. other woman.
"I can be by your side." I whispered smiling and he nodded relieved.

We went to Joel's house with a taxi and the journey took a while, but not long. He almost fell asleep couple of times and it hurt my heart to keep him awake just a little more. I gave money to the driver and then we hurried in to the house.
We took our shoes off and I left my bag on top of one chair. With slow steps he went to the bedroom and I followed him behind. It was way over midnight so we both just kinda dropped our bodies to the bed.
Joel took the one blanket and covered both of us with it, I turned my back on him and he snuggled close right behind me. He wrapped his long arm around my body.
It was a happy moment for me to feel his breath in my neck, and when he inhaled deeply and exhaled the same, I knew that he felt the same way as I did.
"Is this okay?" He whispered behind me.
I closed my eyes, smiling lightly.
"Yes." My voice was soft and calm. It didn't take long for us to fall asleep.

The sun shined through the curtains right to my face, and that's what made me wake up. I didn't want to open my eyes just yet, but I couldn't fall asleep either.
I felt gentle touch on my forehead, it was Joel. He moved some of my hair aside from my face, and then I opened my eyes a little. I was laying on my back and he was on his side, his hand was supporting his head up. His soft gaze made me smile.
"I slept well. What about you?" His voice was a little raspy, but he still sounded and seemed to be well rested. Like he just said.
"Good. I didn't see nightmares." I responded. He smiled then. We kept staring at each other in silence.
And when I catched him staring at my lips, I decided to move my head and stare at the ceiling. He was playing with my hair, and I knew that his eyes were still looking at me.

"I don't want to rush things out, but.. what are we?" Joel's tone was careful. His question didn't make me anxious, because I was just thinking about the same thing. Are we lovers, friends with benefits or a couple? Or are we just nothing? We can't be just friends, we both know that it's impossible.
"I suggest that we will start slowly. We don't need to rush.. we have all the time in the world." I turned to look at him again, and he smiled nodding.
"I agree. Last time I was so blinded by love that I was ready to propose you only after few months of being together." Joel rubbed his eyes a little ashamed, but still amused. I chuckled silently.

"I.. uhm.. I only have two conditions before we take this any further. Or three." I took his hand from my hair and played with his fingers. He was ready to listen carefully.

"I don't want to have kids. Like ever. And I'm not interested to get married either. And.. someday I want to have that small cottage near the small lake where I or us can run to when everything feels anxious." I told him quietly and he started smiling again. So maybe he was okay with my conditions. He looked at our hands and fingers.
"I remember you telling me about that cottage. It sounds lovely." His eyes were locked to mine again. I smiled too, and then he gave a kiss to my hand.

"I have only one condition. Let's be honest to each other.. we should always tell if we're feeling bad, depressed or anxious." His voice was quieter. I nodded.
"I promise that." I almost whispered.
We kept looking at each other, but every second our eyes were lowering down to our lips. We both wanted it, and we didn't need to say it out loud. Slowly Joel's head was coming closer to mine, and I was desperately waiting for his lips to crash mine.
And when that happened, it felt like all the missing pieces found their place where they should be. I moved my hand in the back of his neck and deepened the kiss.

Then we pulled a little bit apart, and we both were smiling softly yet shyly. Like we never had kissed each other before.
"Uhm.. are you hungry? I can make breakfast." He then asked and it made me chuckle a little, then he chuckled too and we pressed our foreheads together.
"I can help." I told him and he nodded then. We kissed one more time, and Joel stood up from the bed and made his way out of the bedroom. I sat up, and for a moment I just sat there and smiled uncontrollaby. I chuckled by my own as I felt those millions of butterflies in my stomach. I think life is going to be alright after all.

I decided that this is the second last chapter of this story. So.. one more coming next week! Don't forget your tissues and popcorns.
Joel and Freya are cute, aren't they?
Thank you so much for reading this story and giving votes and comments <3
Stay safe and strong, sending hugs🖤