Hear my lullaby

21.

            21. I think about you all the time

Freya

June. Warm, sunny and sometimes very rainy and cold. But this summer night was warm and calm. I was hanging out with Oliver, I haven't seen him in months, so our reunion was full of tears and happiness. I missed him more than I thought. We sat on the ground near the ocean, drinking some wine and eating strawberries.
Oliver is still dating with Juuso and he told me that he's the happiest man in the earth. Juuso haven't been in any contact with his brother Tuomas. He said that he's not interested to be around him after all what he's done.
I've been doing just fine. I have mostly lived with my mom, but often I have visited Joel's house too. And of course I've spent time with Eevi too.

"So.. did you see your therapist yesterday?" Oliver then asked as he took a sip of his wine. I ate one strawberry before talking.
"Yeah. It sucks that the only permanent thing in my life right now is just weekly therapist appointment. I'm like a walking disappointment." I sighed as I put my sunglasses on.

"Right now you need to focus on your mental health. You're not a disappointment. Just think about what you've gone through.. it takes time to heal. And you don't have to be ashamed of that." Oliver comforted calmly. I've mostly complained about my life to him today, and he still supports me and doesn't lose his temper. I just lightly nodded and smiled to him. Then he started grinning and I knew what he would talk about next. Or ask.

"What about prince charming?" His tone was suggesting. I laughed out loud when I heard the new nickname to Joel. He chuckled to my reaction. I looked at the sea and the beautiful sunset.
"Seriously, Oliver?" I smiled amused and he chuckled again. He was proud, I just knew it.
"I love hearing you laugh. Now, tell me about him. Have you two kissed yet?" He took a big sip of his wine. I almost choke to one strawberry that I was eating. Oliver laughed again.
I turned to look at him and he stared at me smiling, but still seriously.
"No. Just think about it, why would we kiss? Why anything romantic would happen between us ever again? He will find someone better." My mind turned upside down again. I wasn't smiling, he wasn't smiling. But he wasn't sad, I was. I stared at the sea again. It calmed me down.

After a moment of silence, he started talking.
"I'm thinking about it, and I have many reasons why he would kiss you. On what basis he would find a better person than you?"
I swallowed. This is sensitive conversation for me, I could feel my eyes getting wet. But with Oliver I didn't feel anxious. And I kind of wanted to talk about it, even though it was hard.
"Someone prettier. Someone who doesn't make him feel sad or betrayed. Someone who would want to get married and maybe have children, I don't want those things. Someone who -"

"Freya. Listen." Oliver interrupted me as he heard my voice shaking already. He came closer and took my hand into his. I took my sunglasses away so I could wipe my tears, I felt weak.
"If you want Joel to date someone else, just think about it, would that woman ever make him feel so happy and safe as you make him feel? Remember what that Ruut did to him. And there's many people who would do anything to date Joel just to have fame." He told me. I stared at our hands.

"Girl.. you know how gorgeous you are? For real, you make me question my sexuality." He said and I could imagine him smirking. I chuckled and he did too. I then lifted my head up to look at him. I leaned my head against his chest, and I could feel his head on top of mine. He stroked my back as a gentle wind made my hair dance in the air.
"I'm glad to have you in my life." I mumbled silently.
He kissed my head and pulled me a little closer against him.
"I'll never let go of my best friend, no matter what." He said back just as silently.
Best friend. I was happy to hear that, it made me smile a little. Even though we haven't seen each other in months, everything is like before. Nothing has really changed. Only that his hair is a little longer and he has a new silver bracelet that Juuso gave him. He showed it to me excited. He said he never takes it off.
Oliver still has the photography studio that we both started, I've been thinking if he would take me back as a partner. But I decided not to hurry. I want my relatives to be happy that I just listen to my mind and body and go to therapy. I could start to work again, but I know that I would probably fall apart quickly. Everyone needs a little time to heal from traumatic events.