Hear my lullaby

9.

                   9. You won't go near him

Freya

I sat down to the couch, sighing and burying my face against my hands. I was at Tommi's place, and he was standing near me, his hands crossed against his chest. I dropped my hands down, and slowly I closed my eyes. I was so tired and frustrated.
Lydia was also here, and she was at the kitchen making me some tea. Even though I said that I'm not thirsty or hungry. I can't think about eating anything. But she still wanted to make tea for me.

"This reminds me of that one night when you argued with Joel, and then we drank that vodka." Tommi said calmly, but he was still serious.

"Yeah well.. this time it's not about Joel.. and it's not me who has drank vodka." I quietly told him. He frowned a bit and I could see how he studied at me.
I just wanted to sleep and forget everything that had happened with Gilbert.
We stayed silent as long as Lydia came with the tea mug she was holding. She sat down next to me and handed me the tea.
"It's chamomile." She smiled a little. I tried to smile back but it was hard. I took the warm mug and stared at the tea.

As I was taking the first sip, Tommi sat down to a chair and took comfortable position. He looked like a therapist, and I think that I need to explain after all.
"Is it about Gilbert then?" He looked curious. I sighed and moved my gaze to my legs.
The longer I stayed silent, I got more anxiety and my throat felt like a prison. I couldn't talk, like someone was choking me harder and harder. My chest felt heavy, and my hands were sweating hardly. I wiped them to my trousers and I just wanted to leave.
Lydia saw my reaction, and carefully she placed her hand on my shoulder.
"Would it be better if you tell us later if you want?" She carefully asked. I nodded and gave her the tea mug. I had to get up and go to the balcony. It was dark and the city was going to sleep. I needed that fresh air before sleeping too.
I leaned my hands against the railing, and I took deep and long breaths. The anxiety in me started slowly disappearing, but somehow I felt more and more uncomfortable in my body. I wanted to scratch my skin and rip the clothes off.

I heard Tommi clearing his throat behind me, I didn't react. I was so frustrated that screaming sounded like a good option.
"I'm worried and I don't want to be annoyingly curious, but I just want to ask one question." Tommi's low tone was calm. I was biting the skin around my fingernails, I just mumbled something as an accepting answer.
He then walked next to me and also leaned against the railing with his hands, I didn't look at him.
"Did he do something physical to you?" He asked. Fastly I turned my eyes on him, maybe a bit shocked.

"No. Nothing like that. He was just.. being an idiot." I explained a bit panicked and immediately he nodded understanding.

"But I see how anxious you are. I don't believe that your behaviour and everything is just because 'he's an idiot'. There must be something deeper." He told me, and it made me a bit irritated of how well he sees my anxiety.

I looked at him, and his eyes were already on me. I sighed, I think I need to explain...
I told him about how Gilbert has been acting since yesterday night when he came back from the bar with Olli. Then I told every detail about our argument and how he was drunk a while ago, how he had bought roses and then asking if I'm going to Joel for the night. But I didn't tell him about the message from the unknown number, asking if I prefer yellow or red roses.

He was suprised and I saw that he was also disappointed. He sighed and straightened his back.
"I don't comment this situation.. yet. It's only better for you to talk to someone, it's important. And if anything happens, then there's someone who can testify for you." He responded wisely.
Immediately I smiled a bit amused and hit his arm calmly.
"Nothing is going to happen." I said.
He turned his head to me, but his face was serious.