Rather be a Lover than a Fighter

Chapter 3: The Audience

The King sat on his throne as always and greeted me respectfully, which I only reciprocated with a deep bow and long nod. A sigh immediately escaped his lips and I knew the reason for it, but I pretended not to have heard it in order to avoid unnecessary lectures. It was not like I did not talk at all, it was just extremely rare, and my father absolutely hated the silence that always followed me. I simply forgot the point of greetings and small talk when I realized that it did nothing more than spread the dull emotions I always felt. Besides, I did not have to worry about the communication rules a princess had to follow as long as I stayed mute most of the time. During my time as a princess, messing up, no matter how, was the one thing I was worried about the most. I knew that the king would connect it back to my life as a warrior somehow, and he would find a way to take it from me. I was his eldest daughter and next in line for the throne of this country called Carovan which was the reason he never truly supported my decision to fight. The risk that I might die on one of the many battlefields I went to was very high and as the king, he felt the responsibility to protect the next heir weigh him down when I was risking my life on a regular basis. As a father, he simply did not want to see his daughter's life cut short by the blade of a cruel soldier from one of our opposing kingdoms. That was the reason he watched me closely and always tried to find a mistake in my behavior, which he would certainly use as an excuse to take me out of the army. He could not do it without a reason since this countries military basically evolved around me at this point and the Commander of the royal guards would not let him take me out like that. Of course, I could understand his worry, but I still felt like he should support my decisions instead of putting more pressure on me. Even if I died, it was not the end of the world and I did have two younger sisters, so he does not have to worry about the throne being empty. The King should not have let me fight in the first place if he did not like it, but after he allowed it once, there was no going back for me. And no matter how hard he tried, I would not give him a single reason to take my other life away from me. I would even break my silence occasionally, when it was necessary so that he could not use it as an argument against me. Without the balance between my two lives, I was afraid that I would break under the pressure and the memories, which both haunted me regularly already.

Suddenly, the king arose from his throne and stepped down from his pedestal in order to stand right in front of me. "I have arranged a marriage interview for you", he said with a Stoic impression, "you are to meet Prince Voldron of Persikan by tomorrow morning". This was the eight time my father tried to set up a marriage for me, even though it was not like I rejected the idea of it being arranged. It was just that my father always chose men that would not benefit this countries peace and that would forbid me to fight for it. Since I have not met Prince Voldron yet, and I knew that we shared a rather larger border with the Country of Persikan I nodded in agreement. It was made clear to me from a young age that I would one day be married to someone who would bring benefits to this Country, so I was generally not opposed to it. The idea of marrying out of love was so far out of my reach, that I could not even imagine it properly. Personally, I was convinced that someone like me was not meant for love and that I did not deserve the way I lived my life. I knew that that was not the most healthy way of thinking, but it benefitted the kingdom and my personal goal, which was all that mattered. I stood there for a while longer, with my head lowered because I could not meet the King's eyes until he turned around and sat back on his throne. "I am glad you do not object", he said with his voice seemingly void of emotions, "but I am warning you, you have delivered more than enough rejections already". Again, I could do nothing but nod, because I knew he was right about that. Father tried to keep my wishes in mind and only selected princes from neighboring countries, but he was running out of options. If I did not agree to a marriage soon, I would probably get a Prince from a Country that did not even share a border with ours, in which case I could not use the connection for more peace. "Did Commander Elias tell you about his suspicions regarding the Kial Empire and the Oras Kingdom", the King suddenly asked. I was caught a little off guard, but the answer was a quick shake of my head, because I did not remember the Commander speak of any new suspicions. "Then I suggest you go visit him in his office as soon as possible", the king explained calmly, "something is definitely happening on their border and I think he would appreciate your opinion on it". Another slow nod from my side was the only confirmation he knew I was going to give him, so he sighed again and leaned back in his chair. "Your mother and your siblings would probably like to see you as well, to confirm your safe return", he stated after a short silence, "they were worried about you". I could not answer anything to that and instead lowered my head to avoid father's piercing gaze on me. It was clear that this statement was his way of telling me that he was worried, but it was also clear that he criticized my absence. There was nothing that I could say to him, that would make him feel any better, so I just stayed silent, like always. I forgot how to use words for soothing or to express thankfulness, because I felt like they were unnecessary. In moments like these, it sometimes happened that I regretted my decision, but it was not like I could change it anymore. The only thing I could do, was to endure the inability to express myself until the need for it was over. "You fought on your own again, did you not", my father suddenly commented, and his face showed desperation, "even though I sent so many soldiers after you". I heard the raw emotions in his voice, but they did not quite reach me, so I simply answered his question with a nod. "Why do you always do this", whispered my father into the hands he hid his face behind, "why do you always do this to me". Another one of these questions that I did not quite fathom and therefore, could not answer properly. I could only stare at the carpet beneath my feet, wishing that this one-sided talk would be over as soon as possible. "There is no way for me to convince you to quit these dangerous journeys, right", father asked me, a little more composed than before. My eyes widened for a second at that request, before I furrowed my eyebrows and slowly shook my head. There was no way I would stop now, I already dove too deep into the consciousness of a warrior to be able to turn back. My father knew that already, since I have told him multiple times, but he was still desperate to stop me somehow. I knew that he still regretted the day he allowed me to fight beside his soldiers for the first time, because that was the day I became a warrior and not long after, a killer. He had not truly supported it from the very beginning, but the Commander had convinced him to let me fight, after seeing my remarkable skills. I had trained since childhood, in secret of course, because I admired the loyal soldiers of this kingdom and how they fought to protect all of my people. The rigorous training I did in every second of my free time, was a copy of the soldier's training, so it was only natural that I would excel extremely at all the necessary skills once I grew older. About three years ago, the Commander caught me training in the evening, and he immediately asked to see a demonstration of my skill. Afterward, he practically begged my father to let me fight even if it was just for a short while and at his side, so that I could be protected. The King agreed to that, which was something he regretted up until this day, because it was the reason he had to fear about his daughter's live on a regular basis. "Alright", he sighed and leaned back in his throne again, "you can go now, this audience is officially over". I gladly bowed down and turned around without before I left the room without looking at him again.