What Once Was | ONC 2023

Chapter 7

The day after I told everything to Eric, I woke up to a voicemail from Andy. I hesitated to listen to it, but I eventually did. His voice was soft and full of sleep.

"Hey, babe," he said. "I was just thinking about you and I wanted to hear your voice, but I know I'll hear it soon." He chuckled. "You were so pretty today. I realized for the first time that how I've been going about this is all wrong. I love you. I really love you. Being with you again today made me realize how much you make my heart race and I can't get it out of my head. I want to see you again. I want to touch you, even if it's just holding your hand. I just want to make sure you're real and that I didn't dream the whole thing. 

"I love you. I know that now, and I want to make sure you know. Goodnight, babe. Sweet dreams." With a smooching noise, the message ended.

I let myself cry for a moment. How was it that he was feeling the magic I felt before now? Now, when I finally saw everything for what it was? There was a reason it felt like magic: it was supposed to be fleeting. It was all supposed to just blow over and be nothing more than dust in the wind. We weren't right for each other. 

Even though the last thing I wanted was to hear his voice again, I called back. Relief washed over me when he didn't pick up. Leaving a voicemail gave me the strength to say what I needed to.

"Good morning, Andy. I hope you slept well. I'm glad to hear you love me. It's what I had wanted to hear these past months. But now it just makes what I need to say harder. When I was with you yesterday, I didn't feel that spark. There was nothing there. Everything felt bland. I love you, too, but I don't think we're right for each other. Not right now. If it's just our timing that's off, then I'm sure we'll find our way back to each other, but now isn't our time. 

"I wish all the best for you. I really do. I love you too much to want anything else for you, but not enough to keep trying when it won't work. I'm not giving up at this point. I'm admitting defeat. You won, and I can't keep going on pretending we're fine when we're not. Goodbye, Andy. I mean it this time. I promise that it's nothing you did today. This is all on me."

I ended the call and wiped my face again. Why did breakups have to be so hard? I had every reason to give up on him, and few if any reasons not to. But knowing that didn't make it any better. Because when all was said and done, I still loved him. 

Love. A simple word with a complicated and, in many ways, mysterious meaning. I was only more certain than ever about that.

---

"So you're over?" Eric asked when I was telling him about everything over lunch. "Like, for good? You're not planning on going back to him any time soon?"

I stirred my pasta around as I shook my head. "I don't think we're ever getting back together. He just isn't the one."

He was silent for a moment. "How are you taking it? You don't look as bad as I thought you would."

"Trust me, I feel plenty bad."

"You can't really tell. The little bit of red brings out the green in your eyes, so it just looks pretty."

I raised my eyebrows. "Did you really just tell me I look cute when I cry?"

He froze for a moment. "Um, well, uh... Shut up," he murmured. I couldn't help chuckling as he turned red. "At least I'm being honest." He gave me a pointed look before taking a large bite of food.

I frowned. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I just mean," he said around a mouthful of food, "that I don't think you're being entirely honest with yourself - or me."