Queen's Obsession

Chapter 61

*Suzanna's P.O.V*

Apparently dinner time was not the best time to use the word that Seraphina had told me not to say. Seraphina had glared at me for the rest of the dinner. I wasn't sorry though, it was a fun word to say. Especially when you said it repeatedly.

When Draya asked me why I was saying it so much, I simply pointed to Seraphina who had then started to glare at me. It wasn't my fault that I was scared of her mother and would sell out anyone to get myself out of trouble. I was very sneaky in that way.

I ended up staying quiet for the rest of the dinner since there wasn't much left of it by the time Draya had asked her question. So the end of dinner was Draya scolding Seraphina for saying such words around me. Kamili had just seemed amused and had turned to speak with Pandora who was whispering to her. They were whispering back and forth. Occasionally Orion would roll his eyes which told me they were up to no good.

I finished eating first and so I got up to leave. I skipped out of the room since the guards were following me and made my way back to my room. Once I was in the room, I sat down at the vanity. I looked at myself in the mirror as I let down my hair and fluffed it out. Then I started to braid it, carefully twisting the strands into place.

Seraphina was the first person to ever braid my hair just for fun. Every single time anyone else had done it was because they wanted my hair to be pulled up. Seraphina just liked to play with my hair, she did it most of the time without even realizing it. Like when she was busy with working, if she had a free hand, she would reach over and start to play with my hair.

It was actually quite nice. I liked to play with my hair whenever I was bored so when Seraphina did it it was quite nice. I frowned at the thought of her playing with my hair when I realized what I was thinking and smacked my cheek lightly.

"No, you mustn't like her. She's keeping you prisoner," I whispered to myself in the mirror. Some people said that if you talked to yourself that you were crazy but it was honestly the best way to get your feelings out and talk.

'But she cares about me so much. She only does it because she cares,' my mind tried to argue.

"That's not caring, it's controlling," I whispered to myself as my eyes burned. I had heard the 'It's because I care' spiel too many times for it to actually matter to me. Most of the time it was from people who definitely didn't care about me.

Seraphina was wrong for trying to control me. She had no right to do so even if she was doing it because she cared, it didn't matter. My opinion should have been the most important thing, it was my life. However, despite that, she had actually been really nice.

She hadn't harmed me except for maybe mentally with the whole locking me inside a room thing. However, despite that, she had been really nice as of late. She had shown she had cared in a twisted way with her words. Sometimes her actions were nice as well, like when she held me close or showed me such gentle affection with her touches.

It was so hard to hate her now even after all she had done. It was hard to love her either with the things she had done. So I suppose I would just have to be stuck in this constant battle of not knowing whether to hate or love her.

I groaned as I smacked my head into the vanity. I didn't like feelings, they were just so confusing. Sometimes I wished I didn't feel anything at all but then I would just kind of be lifeless. Which actually sounded quite nice right now, I would love to be lifeless most of the time. There wasn't much of my life that actually excited me.

However the moments of wanting to be lifeless had kind of faded ever since I had lived in the castle. They had been almost constant when I lived at home but now the moments were fewer and farther between. That had to be good, at least I thought it was. I wasn't sure exactly what a person was supposed to feel. Emotions hadn't exactly been encouraged at home so I wasn't familiar with how much people felt of them.

I knew I was sensitive most of the time. I hated having someone angry with me. It was worse when people yelled at me. I would absolutely sob if someone even raised their voice slightly with me. My parents had hated that, they had said I was a crybaby.

My eyes welled up at the thought and I quickly wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. I didn't like crying, it made me feel weak. I cried when I yelled which made people think that I was scared but I wasn't! I was never scared when I yelled, I just couldn't help that my eyes watered when I yelled.

I heard a knock on the door and I turned to look, first making sure that my eyes weren't teary. "Come in," I said after a moment.

I was surprised when it was Kamili that was there. I had no clue why she was here, we didn't know each other very well at all. I knew her name and that she wrote Seraphina dirty letters. Plus she would let me sit in her lap to hide from Dreya.

"Can I help you?" I asked after a moment as I met her eyes hesitantly. Her eyes held a softness to them similar to Seraphina's but it felt much kinder for some reason.

"I just wanted to check on you," Kamili said after a moment. "I know the whole family can be kind of overwhelming," she stated.

"Yeah, yeah. No I'm fine," I said after a moment.

"You sure sweetheart? You sound upset," Kamili said as she hesitated in the doorway.

"I'm fine, thank you for asking," I said after a moment. Kamili hesitated again before nodding and leaving. I let out a sigh of relief as I turned around to look at myself in the mirror. It was a lot harder to hide my feelings than I thought.