Better Not Be Love

Entry No : 369

I screwed up. I screwed up big time.

I was ecstatic when River said she wanted to go shopping with me. I kept checking the damned clock every freaking second, praying it would be 8 p.m. soon. I lingered outside her cottage for twenty minutes before summoning the confidence to ring her doorbell. I rescheduled all of my commitments today and even pleaded with my supervisor to just let me off the hook. And it was all worth the effort.

River walked out looking stunning as usual while she naively searched for her sneakers. She's always been lovely, yet she seemed like a goddess tonight. I didn't want my emotions to reflect on my face, so I pulled out my cell phone and began skimming through God knows what. Had I stared her in the eyes just then, I am certain I would have scooped her up in my arms.

We had a fantastic time together, and she acted like a completely different person. She sounded carefree and didn't even appear to be dragging the entire weight of the world on her shoulders. I did not wish for the day to come to an end, and I badly hoped to see her laugh like that for the rest of my existence. I felt disappointed once we finished shopping but was delighted when she asked me to get her dinner. I wasn't sure whether that was a date; however, I considered it one. She was there. I was there. And we were both happy. It's all that matters to me.

But then everything changed when I saw Juan and some of my college buddies. Of course, I liked them, but the timing was simply terrible. Juan and I had split up because of River, and now that River was here with me, I was terrified Juan would say something to her.

I really wanted River to like me before I revealed to her my past and how much I adored her, but it was too early for that since we just started getting close and all.

I refused so badly when they insisted on dining together. They were, nonetheless, so persistent that I eventually caved. River didn't seem pleased. She was undoubtedly smiling, yet it wasn't her true smile, or perhaps I had been overthinking it. Anyway, she kept trying to dodge me all evening, and I was starting to panic. I realized something was horribly wrong as she barely finished her sandwich.

Juan continued glancing at us amusingly, and I could see she had a lot of questions. I begged God that no one would bring up the subject of our past relationship. I didn't want to upset River or give her the impression that something was going on between me and Juan.

I was ready to follow her when she excused herself to use the restroom, so I had the opportunity to notify her about Juan and prevent any future misunderstandings. But she wouldn't let me. In fact, she sounded frustrated. I understood how much she disliked being around strangers, but she was doing her best for me, and I felt so awful.

I was about to inform my friends that we were leaving once River returned when I got a call from a co-worker asking for misplaced paperwork. Juan was not in her seat by the time I returned from the conversation, and Bank told me that she had gone to use the restroom.

All the red lights went off in my head as I dashed to the lavatory and flung the door open, disregarding the fact that it was a ladies' washroom. Juan and River were in the middle of a conversation, and they both looked shocked to see me. I was surprised at myself as well. I realized how much I loved River, to the point that I didn't really mind being branded a pervert for intruding into the women's toilets. I honestly didn't need her to make an instant judgment and suspect me of stalking her. I requested Juan for a chat immediately and refused to look at River, as I was frightened that Juan had told her everything since I had no idea how long they had been speaking.

River, however, excused herself and winked at me before exiting the washroom, much to my bewilderment. I had almost no comprehension of what was going on in her insane imagination, but whatever it was, I decided to deal with it later because there were more pressing matters at hand. Once we were alone, I explained it all to Juan, and she attentively listened to me. She assured me she would never tell River anything and that I was fortunate because she was going to share it with her.

I felt relieved after we returned to the table. River was casually interacting with everybody, and all appeared to be in good shape at first, but then I observed that she was smiling a little too much. That was the performance she put on every time she had to socialize with the public. I tried my hardest to get her attention, but my attempts were futile, so I helplessly sat there, studying her.

Jeff probed whether she had a boyfriend, to which she replied that commitment scared her. No one seemed to give any consideration to it, but I did. I contemplated questioning her about it afterwards but decided against it. Perhaps she has a reason why she has never dated. Will I ever find out?

By the time we were done, it was almost midnight, and I found myself pleased that we had finally had some private time. But I just had to spoil everything. I should have just handed over the keys when she asked. I should have never voiced my concern to her. I feel like a douchebag. This had been the second time I saw her cry, and I was the source of it. I wanted to apologize to her; however, I was too nervous to do so. I was really worried about saying something and hurting her even more. I didn't trust my own tongue. I made her feel like a f*cking psychopath, though that wasn't what I meant. But now that I've rethought my words, she had every right to be angry at me.

All I wanted was for her to constantly smile, but instead I ended up harming her. She didn't even bother looking me in the eyes as she walked away. She must despise me by now.

What should I do?

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