Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 46

He loved her and it felt like she just played with his heart. Broke someone else's heart too just like Jungkook's, "Such a disgrace I am.. Why? After all he is a man too and developing feelings is obvious, so why did I stay? Why did he sacrifice himself for me? I am a curse. How am I gonna face him now?.. How am I gonna face Jungkook now?.. I can't. I don't deserve anything."

~

JEONGHAN'S POV

He woke up, rubbing his red, puffy eyes, with a messy look and the first thing he did was to check on Y/N.

Thinking of her greeting him with the same smiling face, he ruffled those beautiful hair.

But suddenly the incidents of last night cascaded down his memory lane, pinching his heart. His eyes dwelled up once again, "How will I f-face her now? I shouldn't have kissed her. I should have buried my feelings in my heart f-forever."

"Bimbo?", he called out to her, as softly as possible but her room reciprocated silence. Her knocked at the door, waiting for her to open it, to crash herself in his embrace. But she never came. He felt anxious, barging inside the room, only to find it empty.

Fear gripped his heart as he searched for her in the entire hotel. The corridors, the lobby, the beach, the library, the restaurant, the rooftop. She was nowhere to be found. He started to sweat profusely, and ran back to his room with heavy steps. His head was hanging low, he was crying bitterly, blaming himself for everything. But suddenly his eyes landed on the folded sheet of paper, kept on the nightstand:

Hi Jeonghan.

I think I don't deserve to call you Hani anymore.

By the time you'll get this letter, I'll be gone far away from everyone.

Thank you so much for whatever you have done for me. From keeping me at your house to proposing to me, I really respect your feelings.

Thank you for loving me.

I don't know what good I had done in my past life to get a man like you and Jungkook. You were right. Yes, I love him.

Please don't feel bad about expressing your feelings for me. You did what you felt was right. I am happy that you did.

You are a great man Jeonghan, someone who doesn't deserve someone like me. You are an angel; I am the ugly devil. We were never compatible.

You taught me so many things, how to love, how to live, how to dream, how to smile, how to cry, how to be happy, how to enjoy even the smallest moment, how to be lively, how to be myself.

Thank you for boosting my lost confidence. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for being my comfort zone.

Every time I cried you were there for me but instead of being your happy place all I did was make you cry. I had promised myself to never hurt you. But I did and for that I will never be able to forgive myself.

Why did you always sacrifice yourself for me? Why did you never ask me anything? I was so hideous, yet you trusted me. I feel pathetic. Is there any way to make me feel less guilty?

If I had stayed, your face would always make me feel guilty, so I thought running away was the best option.

Thank you for making my each and every day special. Thank you for accepting me with all my flaws but I can't love you and I am happy you know this fact. At least you won't be living a delusional life.

I know you had told me not to run away from hard times, but I am not this strong. I am not someone who can continue to live while hurting.

If I stayed, I won't be able to forgive myself. I am sorry to snatch away that precious smile of yours and Jungkook.

If you ever meet him, please convey this to him that I love him. I will always love him. I can't bear his hate that is why I am running away.

I don't know where my life wants to take me but what I surely know it wants me to be alone.. forever.

I am sorry for leaving you so suddenly.

Goodbye, my moon ♡

The paper slid off his hands, he could feel his knees going weak. This wasn't what he had wanted. The land beneath the feet felt disappearing. "W-Why are you punishing yourself bimbo? Did I mean n-nothing to you?", he purred, chewing on to his chapped lips, staring at the floor, tears pooling down. The tears of frustration, anger, love, guilt and helplessness.

She was going too far, drowning herself in the ocean of guilt, sacrificing herself for all the smiles she thinks she snatched away. She was going to punish herself for the rest of her life.

"J-Jungkook.. h-he needs to know. HE NEEDS TO KNOW! H-HE NEEDS TO KNOW EVERYTHING!", he stumbled, standing on his feet, and ran to the deck where Jungkook was talking to his business partners.

"JUNGKOOK!", he shouted, catching everyone's attention. He looked like a maniac. His eyes were teary. He could feel himself short of breath.

"J-Jungkook", he begged, standing close to him. His state worried the younger for a second. But anger build up in him, he was this close to grab the deal. He sighed, closing his eyes and pushed back his glasses, "Not now, I am in a meeting Jeonghan." His voice was cold, harsh and scary. He tried his best to not burst in anger.

"J-Jungkook please, listen to me", he spoke again.

"What is this Mr. Jungkook? Do you think of us as a joke? Is this how world-class businessman Jeon Jungkook treats his investors?", he felt insulted. No one had ever dared to say anything like this to him before. He clenched his jaws, eyes raging in fury and bawled his fists tightly, "I-I am sorry-"

"NO. THE DEAL IS OVER. KEEP YOUR FUCKING SORRY TO YOURSELF."

He turned around in the speed of light, choking Jeonghan, "WHAT THE FUCK YOON JEONGHAN?! HOW DARE YOU?! I WAS WORKING DAY AND NIGHT FOR THIS GODDAMN DEAL! MOTHERFUCKER-"

Jeonghan coughed hard, making him loosen his hold. He fell on the ground with a thud, eyes brimming with tears.

"Why aren't you listening to me?", he whimpered, catching his attention. He halted on his steps.

"Why should I? Who the fuck are you to me?!"

"It's important. It's more important than your fucking deal!"

He ran back to him, holding him by his collar and punched him hard, making his lip bleed, "A word more and I'll pull your tongue out!"

Jeonghan had lost all his patience by now. His nostrils flared and brows furrowed as he pushed him away and slapped him hard. The force was enough to make him stumble on his steps.

This was going in a wrong way for sure.

He hovered over him, raining punches on the younger, messing up his beautiful face.

"If I am being patient that doesn't mean I don't know how to fight. GET THAT?!"

Jungkook growled, the pain was unbearable but he had his ego higher than mountains, " SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHY? WHY ARE YOUR MESSING UP MY LIFE-"

"She is leaving", Jeonghan blurted in a monotonous voice, catching his attention. His eyes softened; the anger vanished away in a second. His lips quivered as he crashed his brows together, "W-What?"

Jeonghan got off him, stood up and gave him his hand, helping him stand up, "Even I don't know where she is going this time. All I know is she is leaving both of us.. forever. She loves you a lot. I know you don't love her the same anymore but just for the sake of what was between you in the past, stop her. Run after her Jungkook, she'll be at the airport."