Mask | ✓

48

Double Update. Read 47 first!

"How long are you going to mope around?"

My eyes drifted to Nolan, who I sat across from. He didn't look up from the book that he had been reading, but I could see the way his eyebrow raised.

I frowned at his words. Tatum was gone. Not long after he left the house, I felt him as he left the pack lands. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him.

Nolan sighed and closed his book to glance up at me. His eyes scanned my face, and he mirrored my frown.

"I feel like your therapist," Nolan mumbled. "Come on, Nixon. What happened?"

What happened? I fucked things up. I let him leave.

"We were talking about the future and our relationship—how it would manage with us being in different packs. Tate brought up long-distance relationships, and I don't know, I just...."

Shut down.

The more I replayed the situation in my head, the more I felt bad about my actions. It wasn't like me to just stop talking and not solve whatever problem had arisen. However, hearing the words come out of Tatum's mouth awoke something I didn't even know was there.

Fear?

All these bad thoughts swarmed my mind. Would this truly work? Things were getting more and more serious, and the idea that one day this could all fall apart scared me. Knowing just how strongly I felt about him scared me because, as he said, we didn't have that mate bond between us. We weren't some fated pair who were made for each other in the eyes of others, in the eyes of the Moon Goddess. Would we be putting in all this effort to collapse in the end, ultimately?

"I'm scared, Nolan," the words left my mouth quietly. "I'm scared that this will all blow up again. The last time I dated— well, you know how things turned out. I'm scared that this will all turn out to be some big mistake."

Nolan fell quiet. He stood from his chair and walked around to the other side of the table, and sat in the empty chair beside me.

"This isn't the last time, Nixon," his words were light, and he stared into my similar brown eyes. A small smile fell began to form on his face. "Listen, Nix; you aren't exactly the easiest person to deal with. You can be loud, aggressive, and have a bad habit of making trouble and enemies wherever you go—"

"Thanks," I scowled.

"But," Nolan sent me a pointed look. "Despite that all, Tatum still likes you, and trust me, I see how you two look at each other. The way the both of your eyes light up and how you break out into a smile whenever you see him—that's special, Nixon. You don't share a mate bond, so what? When has being different from everyone else ever stopped you before? Don't let it stop you now."

His words made me think back to the first time I'd met Tatum at the Howling Night hospital. If someone had told me that I'd be sitting here, contemplating over the next step in a relationship with him, I would've laughed. From day one, there was something about Tatum that drew me to him, but I thought it was physical attraction and nothing more. Now, however, we're far past that line.

"As for being scared, Tatum isn't Isaiah, Nixon," Nolan said quietly. "Isaiah was a piece of shit who didn't deserve to be your, or anyone else's, mate. That doesn't mean everyone is as bad as him. It's natural to be afraid when it comes to taking the next step, but you shouldn't let that hold you back. Don't let him keep controlling your life even from the grave, Nixon. He's gone."

He's gone. Those were the words I had to keep repeating to myself after Isaiah's death. When Nolan and I were away, and I kept waking up in the night, remembering every little detail about him, I had to keep reminding myself that he was gone for good. That pain I once believed I'd always have to live with because he was my mate was no longer there, at least not physically. Isaiah was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

But with the recent events, it felt like he was coming back. Like he was rising from the death and terrorizing me all over again. It felt like I could feel him over my shoulder, and I hated it. I hated that he still had an effect over me. That I couldn't live my life without having the constant reminder that he did once exist.

"He's gone physically, but I'm still reminded of his presence on a daily basis," I said to Nolan.

"I know," he said quietly. "I know that a few years isn't nearly enough time to move on from him completely, and honestly, I don't know if there ever will be. However, I do know that you have grown in these past few years. Maybe you are not completely healed, but you're doing a lot better than you were even before meeting Isaiah. Growth and change doesn't occur all at once; it's a process. I don't want you to get stuck in the same place, Nix. I want to see you happy, and honestly, I think seeing you with Tatum is the happiest I've ever seen you. I don't want these memories of Isaiah to be what holds you back. Sometimes you have to take a leap, and maybe, in this case, that leap is going to him."

My brows furrowed. "What?"

"Going to Tatum, going to the Howling Night," Nolan clarified. "And I don't mean just for a short visit, but—"

"—Permanently?" I finished the sentence with wide eyes. "You want me to go to the Howling Night permanently?"

The idea made me pause. It was one thing to stay at another pack for a short amount of time, but it was another to switch. The Silver Night was the only pack I'd known.

"I'm not saying you have to," Nolan said. "I'm not even saying the idea is one that I like."

"So then, why suggest it?"

"Because if it would bring you happiness, then I'd be okay with it," he explained. "I'd rather know that you were at a pack with someone you loved, building a life where you can be happy than have you feel obligated to stay somewhere that only reminds you of pain and where you feel like you don't belong. When you first came back and was telling me about what you saw at the Howling Night, you looked excited, Nixon. It was an emotion I'd never seen on your face when it came to talking about our own pack."

"And what about you?" I asked. "The pack?"

"Me? I mean, of course, I'd miss you, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. It would only be a short distance, right? I'm sure you'd still find time to bother me on a daily basis, whether it's by phone or in person. "As for the pack, well, I think it's time we started making changes around here. The times are changing, and our pack can't just stay stuck in the past forever."

His words made my stomach churn. Were we actually considering this?

"We've never lived apart before. We've always been in the same pack."

"I know," Nolan smiled sadly. "But, maybe it's time for us to both take a leap forward, Nixon. Maybe it's time for us to stop pretending that everything's okay and work toward making that statement a reality. Maybe it's time for us to stop worrying about what other people, the pack, would think. Maybe, just maybe, it's time for you and me to be happy."