Hear my lullaby

20.

"Have you seen Joel?" He then asked. I bit my lower lip, it hurted. I shook my head as I stared the floor. He nodded.

"But for you to know, I'm alright. You don't have to worry about me." He said then and it made me look at him. He was smiling, I nodded smiling too.
It's good if he's alright. I felt my heart being more light. The less worries, it's easier to move on.

Then I remembered something. My smile disappeared as I looked at the clock in the wall. It was almost 1pm. Shit.
"I totally forgot..." I silently said as I stood up from the bed. Joonas probably watched me confused as I took my phone, keys and wallet and put them on the table. Quickly I brushed my hair in front of the big mirror, I saw Joonas' reflection through it as he was still sitting in the chair.
"You forgot what?" Joonas chuckled amused. I threw the hair brush away and turned around. I rushed to the table and took my stuff in my hands.
"I forgot that I promised to Gilbert that I would go to see him in the hospital before he..." I started talking fast, but then I freezed. Joonas looked still confused, he stood up. I stared at him in the eyes.
"Before he would leave back to London.. he'll get his judgement there." I continued silently. Joonas put his hands on my shoulders gently. I kept staring at his black shirt.

"Hey.. I can drive you there." He suggested. I nodded  once.
"Okay. Thank you." I mumbled, then I turned around again and left the room, he followed me.
Mom was sitting in the living room watching television, and she paused the series as she saw us rushing towards the hallway. She asked something, but we kept putting on our shoes and jacket, and just before Joonas was about to open the front door, she was standing behind us.
"Where are you two going?" She asked amused and a little worried too. I've been outside only twice since I came here. I felt like a teenager again. I turned around and she moved her eyes between me and Joonas.
"He drives me to the hospital. I have to see Gilbert before he has to go back to London." I explained a little nervous. Mom's face looked now fully worried and she sighed deeply. Then she put her hands on her hips. Oh, I remember this look very well when I was a teenager. When I was leaving at night to somewhere and she didn't like the idea.

"Is that a good idea?" She tilted her head a little. I felt frustrated. Why do I have to explain my actions?
"I have to. We have to talk things clear, I might never see him again. We have to break up, we have to agree that he will send some of my clothes back to me when he can, and I have to accept the fact that he used to be my best friend and then my lover." I talked frustrated and anxious. Mom came to hug me.
I hugged her back tightly.
Then we pulled apart and she put her hands on my cheeks. She nodded understanding.
"Of course my daughter. Joonas, could you look after her?" She looked over my shoulder to him.

"Yeah." Joonas said immediately. I sighed mentally, I'm an adult, I can take care of myself. Then we left.

We arrived to the parking lot of the hospital. I took off my seatbelt, and so did Joonas. I then moved my head to him and he was ready to stand up from the car. I took grip of his arm, and he stopped.
"You don't have to waste your time in here. I can go alone." I convinced. He looked around and then I let go of his arm.
"You sure?" He asked. I nodded smiling.
"Okay. But I'll wait here. That's least I can do, since I promised to your mom." He took more comfortable position and I looked at him amused. I stood out from the car and headed towards the big doors that would lead me inside to the hospital.

I searched the floor and room, and when I was about to open the door, someone came out of there. It made me flinch a little. I moved aside, and I got shocked when I saw a tall man in front of me.
"Joel? What..?" I questioned very confused. He closed the door behind him, he didn't look suprised. Like he knew that I was coming. Why he was at Gilbert's room?
"We talked a little. You can go there now." He only said. I didn't go. I crossed my arms against my chest as I stared at him.
"About what?" I asked straight. He sighed silently as he took slow steps past me. I turned around.

"He asked from the doctors and police to see me. So I didn't want to say no." He put his hands on his jacket's pockets. I bit my teeth together as I turned back around and placed my hand on the door handle. I was tense, I knew it. Who wouldn't be in this situation?
I went in to the room, and I closed the door as I saw Gilbert sitting on the edge of the bed. He lifted his head up to look at me. There was a chair, but I didn't want to sit. I just went closer a few steps, but that's it.
"Hi." Gilbert said shyly. For a moment I just wished that this wasn't true. Any of this. Anything that has happened. It was hard for me to look at him, I was too nervous and maybe sad.
"Shall we talk then? About breaking up, about my clothes." My voice was shaking as my gaze was wandering around. My eyes were full of tears. I was hugging myself, like it would help. I saw Gilbert standing up.
"I'm not angry. I don't hate you, hate doesn't help me at all. Hate just takes energy. I hate what you did, I hate how Tuomas treated you, but I don't hate you." I kept explaining.

"I don't care if you would hate me forever." Gilbert decided to say. I shook my head, still not looking at him. I knew that if I would look at him, I would cry. I had to stay strong for some reason. Maybe I didn't want to show that this all is hard to take. But he heard my voice and he saw how I was acting, he knew how hurt I was. Even after everything, breaking up with him still hurts. We still were in some kind of relationship for a while. And for that while I thought that this was meant to be. That I didn't leave Joel and Finland for nothing.
I don't think that love and relationships are for me.
I always end up in a situation where I either hurt the other or myself. Or both.

"As I said, hating doesn't help. Can we now agree that we will break up?" My voice was still shaking. I stared down at my shoes. Then I saw another pair of shoes close to me. I didn't look up, so I just closed my eyes.
"Yes. And don't worry about the clothes, I'll send them to you." He calmly answered. I opened my eyes again.
"Good." I tried to sound strong. Then there was silence. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't. Gilbert wasn't moving at all. My neck started hurting, so I had to lift my head up. Accidentally I locked my eyes with him. His sad brown eyes were already on me. Then I stopped breathing for a second. We used to hug each other, kiss each other and hold hands. We used to share secrets, tell our quilty pleasures and laugh together. We used to talk about cameras and photographing that in the first place leaded us together. We used to visit art galleries and museums. Now we will probably never going to do those things together.

"I'll be forever sorry of everything. I'm not going to forgive myself that I hurted the woman I promised to love and keep safe." He broke the silence between us. I swallowed.
This is the goodbye now. I hate goodbyes, I'm not good at them. Who is good at them? In the end, no one is.
Part of me wanted to hug him for the last time, but I was too nervous to ask that. I'm not scared that he would hurt me. I just didn't know that if I would hug him, would I hug the Gilbert I used to know, or the one who uses and deals drugs. I was too scared to ask.
"Goodbye, then." I said. We were still looking at each other.
"Goodbye." He responded. This could've been the chance to hug, but hesitating I turned around and left the room.

When the door closed behind me, I took a deep breath in and out. I felt someone staring at me. I turned my head to my right, and Joel was still here. He stood up from the chair where he was sitting. I walked closer to him, but still I kept a small distance. I was so absent.
"Gilbert wanted me to take care of you. Will you let me?" His voice was all I wanted to hear now. I opened my mouth, and then one tear escaped from my eye. I looked at him, my eyesight was blurry because of the tears.
"Yes." I whispered. He came to hug me, he wrapped his long arms around my body and I buried my face against his chest.

The last goodbye to Gilbert.
I'm not entirely sure how long this story will continue, but we'll see.
Thank you so much for reading this story, I love reading your comments and thoughts and seeing you giving votes gives me also motivation <3
Enjoy the sunny days, summer is almost here!
Stay safe and strong🖤