Atlas

Anywhere Else

A week later

Every turn I made, every secret passageway I snuck through...she was always there, hands and all. She was only supposed to stay the night but apparently a great illness had swept through the town she'd voyaged from so the woman remained until a plan was made for her next journey - she would sit across the table from Vax and they'd pinpoint numerous locations on the map but she always had a reason as to why they wouldn't work

Lingering outside the kitchen archway, I watched as the scene played out as it had done each day before - I knew I had no reason to feel this way, so far she'd been nothing but kind to them...but to me- that was another story...one I wasn't sure I'd ever be comfortable enough to share with anyone, not even myself. But here and now, all she'd done was laugh at their jokes and offer tea which was essentially my job

"Wasn't that housekeeper of yours supposed to start dinner by now?" That was usually my queue to enter, but for some reason - my legs wouldn't move. Even backing away proved difficult as I noticed there was a gnome peaking through my legs holding up the front part of my skirt to see, it was awkward to say the least considering in his position...his view up my skirt wasn't blocked in any manner

"Do you commonly stand under lady's skirts?" Scanlan peaked out to look up at me guiltily "I can't walk well with you hugging my wood" now that the light was on the limb, the little man jumped of his skin wiping his hands on his clothed chest. The slight squeal that erupted from his lungs alerted those inside the room to our hidden presence causing the half elf to raise from his seat with a scream from the stone tiles in protest

"What in gods name are you two doing- Scanlan, why are you down there?" Both of us stood speechless, gaping unsure of what could salvage the situation. Before any further questions could be asked, the gnome bolted it out through the back and dashed for the lounge leaving me alone to handle the heat...this couldn't get any worse. His eyes slid back to the woman at the table and then back to me "Am I missing something here?"

My head started to shake side to side, but it wasn't really in answer to his question - it was just me reminding myself how much I didn't want to be here. If I stood here much longer, one of us would be in tears and I doubt it would be Vax; he was always so stoic and dedicated to the mission, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes - I'd think he'd never cared for a soul in his entire existence, but he'd shown us a thousand times over

"A woman's gotta get her pleasure from somewhere around here" his features shifted into one of disgust, not because I'd potentially been with gnome but we chose metres away from the dining table in a public place...and he had to continue his life with this newfound information. What could've been tears soon turned to light giggles between both of us, I couldn't help it! His face was just so funny in that moment

It was proven that no matter the occasion, Vax could make anyone feel safe just by being near - he was the definition of 'guardian' regardless of whether he was mine, which he was not. Truth be told, I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted from the half elf...he was just nice to be in the company of; his voice had a mellow but strong overtime that could assert leadership without making the other person feel worth less

"So...what's for dinner?" My eyes drifted to the corner of the door to see the woman stood smirking with her gaze wandering my body - Vax would be the deciding factor instead of both...so that's whom I looked to for answers "shouldn't the guest get to choose?" That fake smile returned to my lips when I slipped past her grasping the basket ingredients from behind my legs

"The so called 'guest' gets to pick dinner when she starts bringing home some way to pay for the keep or help collect ingredients from the fields - neither of which I believe you've done" my knife slammed down heavily slicing through the bird meat I'd bought from the market with a little liquid spreading out on the chopping board "looking at it from the book's perspective and disregarding opinions of our endearing company...'she' has overstayed her welcome"

As her hands brushed my waist, the blade crashed to the floor. It was like the coldest of winters had settled home inside my soul, like I'd witnessed all the death in the world at once yet seen nothing at all – the sensation came over me quicker than I could regain my composure, thankfully my back was turned to the dining table so my broken expression remained hidden "C'mon Ana, you know you don't mean that - its just stress"

Her grip wrapped around my shoulders prying away from the counter top, but my feet were planted. No more would I be dragged back and forth like some ragdoll waiting to be thrown "Enough" that single word caused the half elf to halt in his tracks "In all the years I've known you - 'no' always fell upon deaf ears so hear me now" for a second, my eyes met Vax's

"this time I demand you leave. Leave me, leave my keep and my company - my great sacrifice may not have condemned me but it granted me great clarity, separation in my own headspace without our friends and family pushing down my throat what to do with you...so this is what I'm doing" the longer I spoke, the more my hands fiddled with the satchel around my waist "You are free to do as you please in this realm, but not with me so if that's all you're after - I'd recommend going home"

At this point, I couldn't help but cry slightly at the loss, the memory of our time together was always so confusing - her hands were never raised to me and sometimes we did the most romantic things together, yet the atmosphere that followed such a woman is one I'd go to great lengths to avoid. She nodded at the floor slowly seeming to accept my decision, but it had looked this way all too many times before

"I would've married you, y'know" the hurt in her tone almost stung, it sounded genuine and like something she actually wanted. Maybe we could've been happy? Maybe her behaviour was just a phase? I knew deep down what we had, that was the real her - she was made to protect and function no matter what...I was just on the wrong side of that barrier. My folks adored her wholeheartedly, just as Vox Machina did, laughing and filling the air with humour - but as the years continued, the questions just kept coming

"That's why I left" just as she was about to waltz out the door and out of my life, those stupid flats stopped contemplating what words to strike me next with, supposedly something only we'd know to preserve her relationship with anyone within the keep who may yet be of use to her...nothing more than pawns to play the game of life, I never understood it how she could be so emotionless towards such beautiful opportunities

"You were exiled from our homelands because you broke the law, the very thing I now live to protect, but I will find a way to have you again...Amaryillis" I picked up the knife and threw it into the wall to the left just so I didn't risk hitting Vax who had long been forgotten in the conflict, sometimes it sucked that he was a rouge - he saw more than I'd to have ever liked anyone to ever witness but despite it all, he never told a soul, he just so happened to be there.

"I apologise - I probably should've asked if it was alright to banish her like that...but we have a history I hold no pride in" my body abandoned the cooking station and settled at the table ready to explain everything, this man had seen enough to deserve answers. His lurking behind every door hadn't gone unnoticed, more frequently so since the new arrival almost as if he was checking for change where it might not have been found

"Do you know how it feels to be confused about someone you should hate? I remember all these amazing moments with her, kissing, dancing, snuggling...but I also remember the way she'd scream at me, the way her face would contort - her hand was never raised to me. Everyone always told me how dangerous she was and how manipulative she was when I finally set myself free. To this day I still can't see it, but I know the difference of how I feel when I'm with her in comparison to without"

It was something I'd never said out loud, it was strange how Scanlan and I were closer yet now Vax knew more than my best friend in a few short sentences. He just sat there with a slight smile and listened "if I may ask - why didn't you banish her to begin with if she caused you such torment?" It was a good question, and nothing less was to be expected from Vax but I didn't exactly have an answer...

Something just felt right...