🍂Miles Fairchild💀

Chapter 33 🤔

"Are you done changing?" Miles asks after a couple of minutes. Oh so he was just waiting for me to change, as if we weren't just staring at each other in such a way that almost made him grab my body and pull it closer to him as he told me that he still has feelings for me and that he never wants me to so much as breathe near anyone else except him forever. Ok so maybe I am manifesting that and maybe he wasn't actually going to do that but MAYBE he was, MAYBE he stopped himself.

"Yeah, I'm done," I say. I know I am mercilessly teasing him right now but I of course decided to tease him even more by grabbing one of his shirts and wearing it instead of putting on a top of my own, oh and I am also wearing my pyjama shorts which you can hardly see due to the length of his baggy ass jumpers. Miles spins around in his chair, still playing his electric guitar, I think he is playing Creep by Radiohead or something similar, either way he is really good at playing. I play acoustic guitar sometimes and it's quite fun, maybe he can teach me how to play electric guitar one day. 

"You still tired?" Miles asks.

"Yeah," I reply, sitting on my mattress. 

"Are you really drunk?" Miles asks, staring at me in such a way that makes me feel like he just immediately knows my true motives. 

"Nope," I chuckle to myself deviously. I can't believe I managed to fool him for this long.

Miles turns off the amp which is attached to his guitar by a black cord before coming to sit next to me on my mattress, legs spread out in front of him like what I am doing and arms in his lap, fiddling with a loose thread on his pants. I look at my leg as I feel a weird sensation crawl up it. To my horror, It's a spider, not that big but definitely not cute and small. 

"Let me get him for you," Miles says, smiling at the little insect that is crawling around on my thigh. Miles skims the back of his hand down my leg, trying to catch the spider to coax it to crawl on his fingers or palm. I sit there, panicking but not because of the spider. I just stare at Miles in heavy admiration. I hate how hard it is to shut away my feelings for him. Every breath he takes makes me fall harder, ever movement he makes turns my stability weak, every word he says just makes me need him more, more than the others who want him at school, more than I ever needed him before. I just want him to hold me, I want to be his. I know it is weird that I am thinking this whilst he is trying to get a literal spider off of my leg...but I can't help it. 

The spider disappears off to somewhere after a while but his hand remains on my thigh, I stare down at his hand and then lock eyes with him. I think he has been looking at me for a while. I feel a little shiver go up my spine as his fingers start to trace my skin. I get butterflies which somehow lead to goosebumps and more shivers. I lean in and kiss him on the cheek, my heart flutters before instantly erupting into a fast pounding rhythm. He pulls me closer to him and kisses me passionately on the lips. I lean into the kiss more and feel him smirk as I start to push him onto my mattress. He plays with my hair with one hand whilst the other is placed on my hip. Miles moves both of his hands to my waist as the kiss deepens. He pulls my body over to his and I climb onto him so that now I am sitting on his lap, still kissing him. Miles suddenly stops kissing back, instead he just purses his lips shut. I stop immediately so that I can lean back a bit and look at him to see what's happened.

"I shouldn't have kissed you," Miles says, abruptly...oh well shit. Here goes heartbreak yet again. I just love how this keeps happening. 

"I'm sorry If you actually still care about me, I've changed since our um...breakup, I'm not really boyfriend material anymore," He says, as I pull him extremely close by the fabrics of his jumper.

"I don't give a shit Miles," I whisper, I feel him tense up as I stay there and just wait for his response, my breath warm against his neck even though I can see goosebumps form on his skin. He is holding my waist, I guess he just forgot to let go of me, maybe he just doesn't actually want to.

"No, I'm serious Issy," Miles says, without moving his hands away from my body.

"I don't like what your doing Miles," I manage to say although I honestly feel at a loss for words. I feel like I am constantly messing up and that no matter what I do he will constantly break my heart every time I try to give it back to him. 

"I'm not going to hurt you anymore, I-" He gulps, "I just need you to find someone else, anyone else...just not me," He continues. As his words escape from his throat, the ability to breath escapes from mine.

"Please don't be upset, I don't want to give you hope. I just know I'm not right for you anymore. I kissed your friend whilst we were together and you didn't do anything to deserve it, you never have," He says, so many emotions displayed in his voice that I find it tricky to decipher. 

"But I can't be with anyone else," I reply, eyes quickly starting to water as he looks at me with widened, guilty eyes. 

"Yes you can, Is," He says, stroking my cheek with his hand. At this point I have gone back to sitting beside him, a numb yet horribly detailed feeling spreading through me. 

"But I wont be able to love them," I say angrily, the tears starting to spill from my eyes, I feel them fall and land on my leg as I look down, unable to keep eye contact with him. 

"I don't think I will ever recover from finding out that you kissed Mal and told her that you liked her for ages. I know it was a mistake and that you regret it but it made me feel like I meant nothing to you, that we meant nothing to you and I just-" My breathes start to become shorter and faster as I feel panic rising in me. Miles quickly comes closer to me, as he wraps me in his arms slowly but tightly, yet not enough for me to feel trapped. I am now lying on top of Miles, his arms holding me close to him and his hands rubbing my back gently. I bury my face into his chest which is heaving up and down since he is panicking, unsure what to do, clearly he wasn't expecting my reaction to be like this...I mean I didn't either. His cheek is resting on my head and he is softly whispering "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Over and over again. I think he is crying but I am unsure, not willing to lift my head to check. One of his hands starts to stroke and play with my hair, still trying to calm me down. My breathes start to slow but I occasionally have random sharp, uncontrollable intakes of air which come out as a muffled sound.  

"I'm sorry, Issy, I'm scared, I'm just so scared," He says, his voice coming out clear which gives me the signal that he is about to try and have a conversation with me about his feelings which I am not sure if I am willing to listen to right now. 

"You're the first person I ever truly liked. The thing is...for me it was immediately, as soon as I saw you on the first day of seventh grade. I knew you wouldn't like me back, so I tried to shut them off. I just don't know how to deal with my feelings for you, I didn't then and I don't now," He says. I turn my head to the side, now resting the right side of my face on his chest as I listen to what he is saying. 

"I thought you hated me," I say, quietly. 

Miles sighs, "I could never hate you, trust me, I've tried so hard to and have never succeeded before, even after you broke up with me."

"I don't want you to try and hate me, I want you to just love me back. I swear I will forgive anything you do time and time again if you just tell me how you feel, it's so hard to read you sometimes," I say, my voice coming out slightly wobbly since I have started tearing up again. I start to become super aware of the fact that he hasn't even used the word love in a single sentence yet. 

"I do like you back, but...what if we don't actually work out, I'd lose you for real, like you would just be gone from my life and I would never get you back because I would want you to be happy, even if that means without me," Miles says, now actually audibly voice cracking with emotion. My heart breaks so instantly that I have to stop myself from pouring my heart out to him again, I have already done enough of that for one day.

"You're an Idiot if you think I'm even capable of emotionally leaving you," I mutter under my breath. The amount of sympathy I have has reached it's maximum capacity. 

'I do like you back'  GOD! HE CAN'T EVEN FUCKING SAY I LOVE YOU TO ME. 

Coward.