DEKU

Quirkless doesnt mean useless....

Blanket statement TW:
- hallucinations
-Insomnia
-Depression
-Mentions of Suicidal thoughts
-Suicide attempts
-Panic attacks
-Eating disorders
-Anxiety
-Self Harm
-Language
-Serious Arguements
-Trauma
-PTSD
-discrimination
-etc.
Reader discretion is advised. This can get pretty dark and will continue to get pretty dark. Read at your own risk.
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During the first few weeks at UA I had adapted fairly well to the new routine. It was the first time I had friends, but it was far from the first time I had been used as a therapist or a punching bag. I was used to soaking up their sorrow or rage. It's what I did best. Like a sponge I absorbed it so that I could let it all out later where no one would mind it. I could let it all out behind closed doors where no one would ever have to know. So when I got new friends and took on new responsibilities as everyone's perfect little ray of sunshine it was fine. I was used to that pressure. I was good at hiding the pain, at not letting anything show. To them, I wasn't a sponge, I was sunlight, an infinite resource that can dry up all the negative and leave only the good. They can dump it all on me and I'll carry the load, because I'm strong enough. To them, I am strong enough. Even Kacchan looks at me like some sort of freak of nature, annoyed that even after all these years he couldn't wipe the smile off my stupid face. I liked to keep things this way. I longed for nothing more than to keep up the careful facade, to smile even when I'm hurting so everyone feels a little bit better knowing "I am here".

Sometimes it almost feels like I was made to be a tool and not a person. I was made to lend every part of me to someone else knowing that no one would ever do the same for me. Back in Middle School, when I was quirkless and the thoughts were really bad, I would daydream of killing myself right outside a hospital so all my organs could be effectively donated. Back then I saw myself as a stepping stone, a tool to help others. When I was little and first learned that my blood type could be donated to anyone all I remember is thinking "At least I'm good for something". It got to a point where I was a regular at donation clinics. Under any normal circumstance they would have turned me away, I came in far too often and I was way too small to be donating that much, but I was quirkless so no one cared. I used to go there all the time because when I was there I was valuable. Outside those walls I was just another useless piece of quirkless garbage, but there I was a valuable resource that could be used to help people that actually mattered. Even if I was never treated like a person, being tended to like a garden was better than being cut down like a weed. As long as I can remember this is who I've been. This is who I am. Even now I'm a pawn in their game. To my classmates I'm a symbol, to my idol I'm a pawn. Part of me wishes I hadn't been so naive when I accepted All Might's quirk.

I glance at the clock.
2:00 am.
I have 2 more hours before I can go out and start training again. For now I guess I'll just focus on improving my mind. It's nowhere near as helpful as I need it to be, but it's the best I can do given the circumstances. Granted most of the night will be filled with panic attacks and talking to the shadows on my walls, but it's better than the alternative.

I don't sleep anymore.
I don't allow myself to.

I wince thinking about the first night in the dorms.
Ever since Kacchan was kidnapped by the league I've refused to let myself sleep. The last time I caved and slept long enough to dream I woke up the entire floor with my sobs. So yeah, I don't sleep anymore. I keep myself going until my body can't take it anymore and I pass out from exhaustion. That's the only way I can ensure a dreamless sleep.
So here I am, coming up with names for the shadow men and playing chess with a ghost. I'm sure none of them are actually real, but when you choose to embrace the insomnia lifestyle it's not so bad. I knew exactly what I signed up for. Sure I panicked a bit at first, but overtime I've learned to befriend the monster in my head. Besides, the monster has always been there and has never, ever abandoned me.. he's a better friend than kacchan. At least when he tells me to kill myself he phrases it as a mercy instead of a threat..

At least the monster notices when I'm hurting.. Its honestly disappointing that I've managed to get this bad. At this point it's pretty obvious I'm not fucking ok, but no one seems to care, not even all might! Aizawa might be the only person that's on to me, but even he doesn't have the balls to say anything about it. You would think at least someone would notice that I've stopped eating? Am I really so forgettable that they don't notice I'm never there at breakfast lunch or dinner? My excuse is always "I was training" or "I'm not hungry I'll eat later", but even that would be concerning if it were anyone else, right?
It's not like I planned this or anything either. It just kinda happened. At first it was skipping a meal or two, typical depression "I don't deserve to eat" stuff. Then the anxiety got so bad that I couldn't keep anything down. Now it's progressed to the point that the most I can stomach is a few apple slices every few days, and even that's a stretch. I know I'm killing my self, but I'm gonna die young anyway so it's not like it matters. My fate has been decided for me. I'm the successor, the chosen one. It's my duty to save everyone. I've been handpicked by the universe to be the end of One for All and All for One. At least, that's what All Might says. I'm not stupid, I know what that means. I kill All for One, then I die before I can pass on One for All. I mean, it only makes sense things would end this way.

Part of me wonders what I would do, knowing what I know now, if I could go back in time and choose to refuse All Might's quirk. Would I still take it? Would I accept it, knowing I'm a pawn, that the second I finally get the chance to believe I'm worth something I'll be sent like a lamb to the slaughter to sacrifice my life for some twisted sense of morality?
I want to believe that I would turn him down. I want to believe that I would walk away and choose to embrace my quirklessness. My sanity hangs on a frayed string of hope. Hope that if I could go back and change the past that I would choose to decline his offer... but when have I ever been sane?

I'm not delusional. I know I would choose to do it all over again. I know it wouldn't make a single difference. I mean, I technically still have the choice to nope out of this one. I could choose a successor. I could just give my quirk to kacchan and yeet myself off the roof of a tall building. He's a better hero than I'll ever be, but I'm too weak to follow through.
Pathetic.
I check the clock again.
2:05am

This is gonna be a long night.