Forgive Me Please

Chapter Five - Reflection

Rain's Thoughts and Flashbacks

I was in bed, letting the darkness around me be the backdrop for my thoughts. It had been an eventful few weeks, with getting ready to move back, the long journey back to Thailand, the documents for the school transfer, the ceremony and then slowly getting back in contact with my old friends.

"So they have seen me, but I have not seen them" I mused "what a disadvantage"

I knew that now I had activated my media accounts, I could push a button, and I would be able to see their last year in a matter of minutes. But I had no desire to snoop, sounds silly but I wanted our meeting to feel natural - not forced. Rain signed, "I wonder what they think of me now?" I guessed that he would soon know his answer.

I wondered how the first meeting between, Aurora and Sky looked like? When she said that Sky had held her hands, I was shocked. Sky is normally more reserved than that. But, I supposed, that is the charm of Aurora, my dad always said he was sure that she could charm the birds from the trees!

But she did have a temper, a nasty one, and it seems that P'Phayu had fallen foul of it. I went over my friend's version of events again, and I still could not believe she called him an arsehole - twice! I laughed at that thought again.

I laughed because of only Aurora would be so upfront to pull someone up on bad behaviour and say exactly what she thought. I laughed, not because P'Phayu was insulted, but rather, for once, P'Phayu's God-like status meant nothing to someone. In her eyes he was just an arsehole, not some fantastic God. It was funny to finally see something from a different point of view. But to me, even now, P'Phayu still had some other worldly-God like quality.

P'Phayu. I signed again, saying his name over and over. My mind went back to a year ago. When you took emotion out of it, I could see how some doubt could have entered his mind. Throw in the fact, he was steaming drunk, hurt and upset. It is not a good mix. I can even understand the horrible drunkard rants, after all my first three months in London, I was a drunkard mess. I got so wasted I could not stand, my best friend struggled to get me home. The horrible and spiteful things I would say, but ever my friend, my angel - she stayed and took every negative feeling and gave me nothing but positive back. I will forever be embarrassed with how I treated her back then. But I am human and I was hurting so much, its not an excuse by any means, just how it does not excuse P'Phayu behaviour. But I acknowledge its a very human flaw.

What killed me was the lack of trust and the demand that I get out of his house. It was not a house, it was our home, we practically lived together everyday. That is what broke me, that brought me to my knees. The lack of trust and no home. It felt that it had all been make believe.

I signed again and rubbed my face, "I still love him, after all that I still love him" I sat up and got out of bed to get some water. I am a fool, pure and simple. I am worried that I will just give in to him, with no accountability on his side and excuses on mine. I have grown up so much while in the UK. I am calmer, I have had to be due to Aurora's temperament!, I am more of a thinker rather than reactive mess. That part of me is still there at times but its more controlled. I had good role models back in the UK, and I an thankful for them.

I go back to bed. "look, you have two days rest and then its back to university for planning of the ceremony of the new first years" I settled down "I will meet my friends again then, until then there is no point overthinking this" With that I close my eyes and demand that sleep come and take me away!

Phayu Thoughts and Flashbacks

I am looking at Rain's account, and two new photo's had been added. One was of them arm in arm at the ceremony, they were smiling. The caption read, "What an introduction for the International Facility!". The second showed them both sitting on the floor eating pizza. It looks like Rain bit into his and was trying not to laugh. That blonde bitch was leaning against him showing her pizza slice off. The caption read, "PJ and Pizza Night - what an ending"

I threw my phone across my bed. "Are they together?" God I am so jealous and sad, after all this time I held out hope that I would find him again, I planned to beg, get on my knees or be his willing slave if he would just forgive me and come home. Who the hell was this woman, why are they so close? Is there nothing I can do? These thoughts are going round and round in my head.

A year ago, I messed up. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I wish that after finding the photos taped to my fence, I did not drink, I wish I just talked it out - GOD!!! I wish I let him explain. I jumped out of bed and started pacing again. I remember everything I said that night, and it makes me want to throw up. I would have to spend that next 100 lifetimes apologising for every vile word I said.

Having the wake up call a year ago, getting pulled from my bed. Being slapped across the face by an angry Sky, that moment of realisation of the enormous fuck up, I will never forget what I had done. The panic of trying to find him and every avenue was a dead end. I sunk lower and lower. Driven to drink to help me sleep. My friends worried about my mental health, even Sky after he finished being angry of course.

I threw myself down on the bed, I want to see him, hold him and kiss him. I just want him. I love him, he is the only one I will love. I know that.

God he looked so good tonight, I pick up my phone and look at the photos of him on the stage. He looked good, sexy and.....well..........calm. There was something different about him and it was not just his hair colour. Even though it looked good long and blonde. There was still the shy tilt to the head, his wide doe eyes and his cute little bunny smile. But there was a change, I just don't know what it yet.

I sign, I need a plan. First I am going to find out who that bitch is, I still can't believe she call me an arsehole and that she will not allow me near Rain. Anger and possessiveness rose in my chest again. Then I am going to find out what they mean to each other. Then, I am going to go on a mission to win Rain back.

That is my goal.