Nobody Ends Up Dead in a Bathtub, Everyone Keeps Their Organs

Chapter 8

Martin approached Alex the first week of October. It was a Monday. The office ran slow, and Alex's candy jar was low from everyone walking past, snagging a few fun-sized chocolates, and leaving with only a nod of approval in his direction. As was the habit of every single office worker when Alex briefly won their hearts with treats. He had finally broken more favored candy, easing into Halloween with something nice.

While Martin picked over the candy, standing around just a little too long and looking a little uninterested, Alex was putting out little pumpkins on his desk. He enjoyed the start of the holidays. He was allowed to decorate on the clock, and it was a sweet reprieve from his other duties. It made the final stretch of the year a little more bearable.

Martin looked at the fake pumpkins and the fake leaves and nodded just like everyone else did. But Alex didn't want his approval. He was a piece of shit as far as Alex was concerned. He and Stu and Andrew had been promoted from Office Douche Bags to Literal Pieces of Human Shit.

"Hey," Martin said.

"Hi."

Alex kept his greeting terse. The absence of warmth in his voice would show Martin that he was pissed at him. At least, Alex hoped he sounded terse and cold. He wasn't exactly sure how to inflict it in his tone.

Martin picked up one of the pumpkins. It was a cheap thing Alex had bought on sale years ago. But it had lasted all this time, so he kept it around. It felt like a good omen that something not meant to last more than a few months had stayed totally intact for half a decade. Besides, Alex's office decor budget wasn't very large. He couldn't blow it on new pumpkins every year. He was very thankful every year when he unpacked his special little guy.

"So," Martin said. "I, uh, wanted to apologize for the whole prank thing. We went too far."

Alex dropped a crocheted mushroom. It bounced off his desk and onto his keyboard before tumbling down to his chair. The Douche Bags never apologized. That was why they were the Douche Bags. Or, now, Literal Pieces of Human Shit.

"Uh. Thanks."

"My wife is making me do this."

Martin hardly brought up his wife, but when he did he did it with an affectionate smile. He kept framed pictures of her on his desk which Alex had thought was pretty sweet. Alex's own desk was devoid of any personal pictures except for one family portrait from Eve's high school graduation. She smiled wide in it. He had his arms thrown around her, face red from the sun. Alex kept it around to remind himself that she could smile even if she didn't do it very often anymore.

"Okay," Alex said.

"I told her all about it, and she said I was a real jerk for pulling something like that." He rubbed a plastic leaf from a felt pumpkin between his fingers. "She won't speak to me until I apologize. And she made some good points. She said it was dangerous for both of you guys. She said sex workers who get pranked are probably afraid they'll end up dead in a hotel room, and I thought about that. And I said, yeah, because we knew you're a good guy who won't kill someone like that. But Marcus wouldn't have known that."

Yeah. Finally, someone was catching up.

"We want to invite you and Marcus out to dinner this Friday. To extend an olive branch. I want to extend an olive branch." Martin said it with a blushing face turned towards the pumpkins.

"Oh. Uh. Thank you."

"Sam wants to make sure I've apologized well."

"I'll have to see if Marcus is available, and we'll get back to you."