Nobody Ends Up Dead in a Bathtub, Everyone Keeps Their Organs

Chapter 1

Alex hadn't been on a date since he was 17, and it had ended with Mary Ellen throwing her slushie on his shirt in the middle of the mall. He wasn't sure what he had done wrong, but he figured right then and there that maybe dating wasn't for him. And he had lived by that for the next 18 years.

When the day came that his co-workers told him that they had set him up with a friend, he thought maybe it was worth another shot. Mary Ellen had been long ago. Surely, Alex had a little more charm to him than he had when he was a teenager. At least, he hoped so. It would have been truly demoralizing if he had another slushie poured on him in his 30s.

Andrew, Martin, and Stu were the only guys who had ever tried to talk to him around the office, and Alex appreciated that a little bit. Even if the three of them tended to be dicks with off-color jokes and questionable comments about dates Andrew and Stu had had the weekend before. Even if Alex had secretly named them The Office Douche Bags because they had never proven themselves to be anything but douche bags.

But Alex didn't get much say in who became his co-workers of almost 10 years, and he didn't know how to tell the guys to leave him alone when they got to be too much. Especially when they were going to do more for his dating life than he had done for himself.

"Marcus is so sweet and super cute," Andrew said. "I mean, look at him."

He leaned over Alex's desk and showed him a single picture of the date in question. It looked like a semi-professional portrait. He was posing in front of a window in what looked like a stylishly barren apartment.

Marcus had short, curly hair. His teeth were unnaturally white. He showed them all in a wide smile, perfectly aligned and shining. His clothes were tight, and his body was slim. Skinny, really. Alex thought he was pretty cute and assumed he was probably some aspiring actor—so, he was living a much more exciting life than Alex was at the moment. And he was definitely out of Alex's league.

Andrew insisted it was all taken care of. He apparently knew a waitress who had taken care of a dinner reservation. Andrew had even left his own credit card on file, saying he owed Marcus a favor from a while back so this was his repayment. Alex tried to protest, but Andrew insisted. He owed Marcus big time.

Setting him up with a guy was one half of the deal. Paying for the date was the other half. Really, it was all fine. The reservation was for Friday at 6 at some semi-bougie restaurant. Marcus would be expecting him, and it was important that Alex didn't talk about work. There were other things to talk about. Boring office chat would kill the mood, and Marcus hated talking about his job.

A hundred red flags should have sprung up, but Alex was too busy looking at Marcus' picture to see them. He asked if it was really okay (it was), why the guys were being so nice (Alex was the only single gay man ("I'm not gay, I'm bi.") they knew), and why Marcus needed a date (he was having a hard time with dating apps, apparently, and wanted to give blind dates a try).

Alex could pay them all back by making sure there were good drinks at the Halloween party in October. Alex would mention it to the party-planning committee, though he wasn't sure what he could pull. No one wanted a repeat of the year before when Megan from human resources vomited into the potted tree by Alex's desk. It had been Alex's favorite tree. He had been allowed to pick it out all by himself, and he dutifully watered it every week. Its death had been slow and by Thanksgiving, when it showed no signs of perking up, Alex put it out of its misery and set it out for trash pick-up.

But for his first date in decades, Alex would point out the unspent money in the budget and nudge the ladies to pick up some higher-quality booze and maybe an extra bottle or two. He'd hide the other potted plants before the party and promise to clean up any vomit.