Just a Game {Everlark}

Chapter 10

A rattled gasp escapes my lips as I drop to my knees in front of the desecrated grave.
The headstone is completely destroyed, large parts of the stone broken on the ground beside it. The earth around is coated in grey dust from the rock and it reminds me of what twelve looked like after the bombing.
"Oh.." I whimper, lifting a broken-stemmed flower from the rubble.
"Katniss, I.." Peeta's voice is breaking my heart. I turn around, my eyes full of tears as I clutch the dead primrose. The realisation of what I'm holding represents dawns on and disgusts me, and I quickly drop the flower.
"It's okay." My voice is cracked. I stand up and take a step toward him, but he takes one back, his face a mask of despair.
"No. I'm going to h-hurt you. I-I'll-" He puts a hand up to stop me coming closer.
"You won't hurt me. This was an accident. You'll be okay. Just let me-"
"No!" He exclaims, shaking. He's crumbling in on himself, shoulders hunched, eyes dead. I step back, my hands up to soothe him.
"It's not real, Peeta. Whatever you are imagining isn't real. This was an accident." I have to swallow the lump in my throat that comes with saying this. I'm trying hard not to look at Prim's grave for fear I'll cry and upset Peeta further.
As I stare in to his tortured, conflicted eyes, trying to make a connection, I'm struck with how broken he is. How we can never be normal. How he is ruined. How I am ruined. How there's no point in trying anymore..
No.
I seize his wrists and he struggles. This is a risky move, even if he is coming down from an attack he can easily relapse.
"Stay with me. Peeta. Peeta, listen. Stay with me." I say the phrase with conviction, squeezing his wrists tighter.
"A-Always." He replies after a long pause, a long inward battle between himself and his demons.

I rest my forehead against his and we stay like that for a while, my hands clamped around his wrists, his breathing haggard.
"Think about the good." I eventually whisper.
"I'll think about you." I can hardly make out the whisper it's so quiet, so fragile.
I pull him in to a hug, and over his shoulder I can still see the destroyed grave that once read my sisters name, and I feel a tear slide down my cheek and on to Peeta's jacket.
Come morning light...
Somewhere in the embrace, our lips meet for the faintest second, and I know we'll be okay.
You and I'll be safe and sound.

***
The birds outside signal the break of dawn as I groggily open my eyes.
Somehow, I got Peeta back here and in to bed last night. He went to sleep as soon as we got in, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned, a million thoughts in my mind. How can we manage Peeta's attacks? How can we feasibly go to the Capitol and speak about the games without it acting as a trigger for Peeta? For me?

I decided somewhere around three am not to tell my mother about Prim's grave. There are some things people are better off not knowing.

When I eventually slept, I had a plaguing dream about a faceless assailant who was killing innocent people, people I love. The assailant was me.
I woke up after twenty minutes in a cold sweat, unlike my usual screaming fits.
Peeta's still asleep, but looks troubled, his face tight.
How badly I want to help him, to fix him. After last night, I'm not sure that it can be done.
I feel tears prickle in my eyes, and realise with a start that I never got to mourn the destruction of Prim's grave.
Last night I was too concerned with Peeta's safety to care about something as superficial as a rock that bore my sisters name. I know I shouldn't care now either, but since nothing remains of my sisters body, it's almost like the grave was all I had.
I quickly wipe away my tears and as quietly as I can, I sneak downstairs.

"Katniss?" I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear a whisper coming from the kitchen.
"Mom?" I rub my eyes tiredly. "What are you doing up?"
"I'm leaving, Katniss. They need me in the hospital, and you need time with Peeta, in light of whatever kept you both out all night." She meets my eyes in the darkness and I look away.
"Are you sure?" I ask dumbly.
"Yes, I am. My train is in fifteen minutes." She looks up at the wall clock in the dim light.
She stands up and walks to me, slinging her bag over her shoulder.
"Katniss I don't know what happened with Peeta last night. But i know that you both have to stick together. You are the only people who can get you both through this." She puts her hand on my shoulder.
"Through what?" I ask, looking up at her.
"Every day. Through living, Katniss." She squeezes my shoulder, and her words, although chilling, are so startlingly true that I'm unable to argue.
This is the rest of our lives.
"Good luck in the Capitol, Katniss." My mother pulls me in for a hug, which I numbly receive. "Look to your father for guidance, Katniss." She whispers in my ear, and there's a certain intensity in her voice that makes me question her meaning.
She pulls away and smiles at me as though it hadn't happened. As she heads toward the door, I turn and call after her.
"I can walk you to the train station.." I offer meekly, still trying to process what she could've meant, but she only shakes her head.
"I love you, Katniss." She says, her hand on the door knob. I turn away, my fingernails digging in to the countertop, biting my lip. I mumble a response.
I know she's gone when I hear the door click, and that's when I exhale, trying to steady my hammering heart. My chest is rising and falling rapidly and I can scarcely breathe.
How can I look to a dead man for guidance?
I shut my eyes tightly and feel a hot tear squeeze out, sliding down my cheek and cutting a line down the mask I've been wearing for two years.
I look up and scowl at my reflection in the windowed cabinet.
In an impulsive heartbeat, I slam my fist against the glass, cracking the flimsy materiel.
I keep bashing my fist against the glass, again and again, losing momentum in my pathetic demise.
"Katniss! Katniss, stop!" Peeta's calm yet authoritative voice soothes my nerves. He grabs my arms from behind, forcing me to stop. I struggle against him, weeping, until I just give up and fall against him, silently sobbing in to his chest, my blood dripping on the floor and down Peeta's arms.
I'm not sure how long we stay like that, but my mother's words flash in my mind and spur on my tears.
'Through every day. Through living'
I shut my eyes and rest my head on his chest as he strokes my hair. My head is throbbing and I just want it to end.

---
HI
I'm so sorry it's a day late! I honestly was intent on updating last night, however I got about 500 words in when I just had to sleep!
I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's a bit of a filler- the next chapter will be in the Capitol!

Favourite, share and comment- I love to hear what you guys think!
Love always,
Jocelyn x