EXIT

14. SMOKE BLACK

14. SMOKE BLACK

Lying on my back on the roof of St. Mungo's, I stare into the turbulent, cloud-covered night sky. Tonight the stars are hiding, which only makes my mood worse than it already is, after all it's the very first time I've been alone in the open air since my escape through the woods. I really would have liked to see the stars, but well, no luck.

Blaise just shrugged lazily when I asked him if I was allowed to go to the surface.

"Nothing can happen up there," he said. "The entire roof is surrounded by strong wards. And as to the risk of flight on your part: If you take one of the Portkeys, you'll end up in the middle of nowhere, not knowing where you are or how to get back. Not a particularly promising prospect if you ask me."

There is nothing to counter this argument. The Return-Portkeys we used to get back to headquarters both after the Manor reconnaissance and the Sheffield mission were only distributed in the equipment room shortly before each departure. It's an additional security measure that the Portkeys aren't readily available to everyone. A measure that makes perfect sense and actually keeps me from leaving this roof. Camp Black is the safest place for me and I would never take the risk of not being able to come back. Blaise knows that, Potter knows that, and so I can hang around up here, let the wind blow in my face and grapple with my dark thoughts.

And dark they are.

I'm still deeply shocked by what Potter revealed to me last night.

It was my fault.

That's the thought that now constantly and inexorably haunts me, although I can't be a hundred percent sure. However, it would be far too much of a coincidence (or rather fluke) if it weren't the case.

I believe I was present. No, that's a lie. In actual fact, I'm positive I was the last person to see Granger before she was abducted by the two Snatchers, only I wasn't aware of it at that moment. I simply didn't consider that something like this could happen, I was so preoccupied with my own fear, which I was no longer able to control at that point.

I was hiding in one of the countless corridors on the ground floor. Behind a rickety suit of armor. Like a bloody coward. Greyback and Scabior showed up, but they were arguing so fiercely about something that they didn't notice me. For my part, due to the aforementioned fear, I paid no attention to their words. Only when the two had disappeared around the next corner did I briefly snap out of my trance. Namely when my gaze fell on her. Granger. With a frightened expression, brisk steps and her wand at the ready.

Thanks to the dust and noise-soaked air, I didn't recognize her until she had already passed me. And I didn't give a single thought to whether she might be running straight into her misery, even though she was heading in exactly the same direction as Greyback and Scabior.

At the time, all I was concerned with was my own supposedly imminent death. It seemed inevitable to me, no matter which side I ultimately would have chosen. Even then, there was no question for me which side actually would have been the right one. I would never have willingly fought for the Dark Lord, but unfortunately that was exactly what was expected of me.

Of course, I had no way of knowing what was going to happen, and Granger probably wouldn't have listened to me anyway if I had tried to stop her. So it's most likely stupid to blame myself these days for being so selfish back then. But maybe I could have prevented it. Just hypothetically. Could have. Should have. Whatever.

The scene that the conversation with Potter pulled out of my memory and that I suddenly remember in such detail is playing over and over in my mind's eye. It's my latest horror flick in a loop. Greyback and Scabior, then Granger.