Chain Of Tears

Anna to Thomas

Dear Thomas,

I don't know why I'm writing this. I suppose I am unusually filled with emotions, and I need someone who understands. Ari is lovely, and Kriti adorable, but I miss all my little siblings. All of you. You were always understanding and empathetic, so I hope you can understand what I'm saying behind the mess of these words, between these lines. I think that you are the only one who can understand.

I feel taut, like a bowstring waiting to be pulled. As if I am waiting for something, something that may not even happen, something that I do not know what to call. Everything reminds me of....of him. I hope, I hope you can understand what I mean. I choke up when I think of him, I cry myself to sleep. My feelings were a dangerous territory, and I have waded in too far. I miss him so much, it's like the sea swept in all this grief and I drowned. I was older than he is, and now he will never be my age. I was supposed to take care of him, and I feel as though I have failed.

I hate to burden you with my thoughts, but they threaten to consume me. Do you have a way to get rid of them? Are you plagued by these thoughts, or similar ones, too? Ari keeps telling me it wasn't my fault, and that I couldn't have done anything, and I know that she is right. But I think we have all lost him, all lost so much, and that this hole in my heart shall stay there for evermore.

He was so easy to love, it just made him harder to lose. I fortified my heart, wore my clothes like they were an armour, but somehow, he saw me. Maybe it was because he knew so much of me, knew me for so long, but he truly knew who I was, what I would do. Now that he is gone, I no longer know myself. I tried to find myself here again, hoping a change of scenery, of continent would be better. It is, because so many of the things that could remind me of him aren't here. But neither is he. My thoughts are a spiral, always ending up in the same place. He isn't here.

It's so beautiful here, the colour bright against my memories of grey old London. It's loud and cheerful and so very different. Kriti is so very bright, and Ari so beautiful. I wish I could talk about what all I miss in London, but to be honest, all I miss are the balls and you all. How are things in London, I hope you are all well. Do tell me if you plan to....do anything for Christopher, I desperately need closure. If he were here, he would look up at me through those glasses, his lavender eyes bright, and tell me not to blame myself. But he isn't here to do that, so I remain blaming myself for him, and no matter how beautiful it is here, progress to get over his death is still slow. I am trying, though, and I hope you all are feeling better too.

With love,

Anna