Chain Of Tears

Matthew to Lucie

To:Lucie Herondale,                                                                                                                                                             The Institute,                                                                                                                                                                              London

Dear Lucie,

I know you're probably pissed at me for being a horrible correspondent, but, in my defense, it's very hard to sit down and write my feelings down, no matter how much you pester me. That being said, than you for all your letters bursting with news of London. Much appreciated, that. 

In every letter, you ask me how I am. (Even though, showing what seems to be a serious lack of judgement, you seem to be more concerned about Oscar.) However can I decide how I am, Luce? I am different in every city, my mood changes as time. Only Oscar is a constant, the island in the middle of a sea storm. I can't say that I'm not enjoying it, because every day is a new adventure. It's like that time when you decided to write a new story every day, and you'd come into the training room every morning with a flurry of papers because you were so excited to tell Jamie and I your story. Every day, each place is so different from the rest.

Finally, I am no longer thinking of the hold the bottle had over me. You always knew of my addictions better than I, didn't you? Well, I think that even though I haven't won this battle yet, I find it easier to fight. I no longer yearn for the bottle, no longer reach for an imaginary one when I wake up. It is a long, bitter fight, but I shall wage it to the very end, ever the shining knight. I know you're worried about me, Luce, but never fear, I shall be victorious. After all, I am a Shadowhunter, and we have been trained to face any sort of battle. Even the ones that haunt our hearts, even the ones that consume us, the ones against ourselves.

The reason I am sending this letter is, regretfully, not to inform you of my glorious progress or Oscar's happiness. You mentioned that being faraway from Cordelia makes you feel lonely and lost, and asked if I felt the same about James. I feel that way about you all, to be honest, but with him I can actually sense the thread that binds us, holding me, keeping me upright. The bond you have with your parabatai is never an inconvenience or a trouble, even when it feels like one. You miss them, you wish they were here, you are happy for them, you want to be with them, but you cannot. It is okay, because it is that bond that tells you they are out there somewhere, that bond is the proof that they are alive and well. I miss you all, and I wish you could all be here, travelling the world with me.

But I must confess, I miss Kit more than anyone else. Because the rest of you, I can hope to see someday, I can hope to hug and smile and share a joke with. But every time I see a scientific invention, an engineering marvel, I smile and whip out a pen to send a postcard to Kit, but then I remember, he wouldn't get them. I saw lemon tarts in Venice the other day, and I bought ten, just because I would have in London, but I don't even like lemon tarts. James not being here makes me feel like a part of me is gone, Thomas not being here is like missing an impulse control, but Kit? Kit not being here is heart wrenching, because he isn't anywhere. I fear we haven't talked about him, not any of us, with all of us running off and carrying on with our lives, we haven't really talked about it. We were so busy picking up the shattered remains of our lives and piecing them back together, we may have forgotten that the puzzle we're making is of a hole.

I wish I could say I am lonely, I wish I could say that I am still and silent and grieving, but that is not my way, as you know. I shall carry him in my heart, as shall we all, but we pick up the pieces and we move on. And all these places have helped, from Venice to Rome to Athens, By the way, if you ever have the time, you must come and visit Athens. It has an old yet new, a powerful yet understated feel to it. The buildings and gardens are inspirational, truly. It's a lovely place to write in, it's where I decided to write this letter, in fact.

I hope you are all well and happy in London, you can send me as many letters as you like, though there may not always be a response, I can assure you I shall read them most ardently. Good luck with publishing your novel! 

With affection,

Matthew.