Chain Of Tears

Thomas to Matthew

Matthew,

Wherever you are now, I hope you're doing well. How is Oscar doing?  Where are you now, how are your travels? I know you like the adventure and the excitement, but there's always boring old London to come back to if you ever wish to. Lucie and Jesse are here, of course, but without most of you, it feels rather empty. I went up to our room at the Devil Tavern the other day, just for a book I thought I had left there, and the entire room was coated in a layer of dust, and all our things, so messily scattered there, had been neatly arranged. It struck me then, how we, the four of us, hadn't been there in so long, how different it is now, how I'm the only one of us still here.

It reminds me of the time when you were trapped in Edom. But then, the effect, the idea of losing you and James the way I had lost Christopher didn't seem real. Now I know that I haven't lost you, but I feel lost myself. I realised I was always hiding behind you all, even when I grew out of it. It was easier that way, because all of you had such presence, seemed so sure of who you were. But now I think we have all changed. James, sweet, careful James, has left behind his books (well, some) and gone off to travel the world. You, who used to be so comfortable, so easy with people, has gone of with Oscar(how is Oscar doing?). And Kit, we never noticed how wise he was, how observant and oblivious. I used to envy you all for knowing who you were, but we were all finding who we were, weren't we?

I miss you and James and Kit, more than I miss anyone else, It's such a shame we can only choose one parabatai, because the four of us would have drawn on each other's strength all the time. Kit had an idea, before....before....when he told me if there could be new runes, and I suggested one that tied more than two people together. I wonder if there will ever be new runes...I know I cannot say that I feel as you do, cannot say that there is a force, a bond, something that ties me to you and feels like an extension of myself, but as you have always told me, a parabatai bond is a strange and intimate experience. However, I feel like I feel a ghost of it now, a shadow of it as I miss you all.

I wasn't going to write this letter, but Alistair asked me what was wrong, and when I told him I missed you all, true to form, he rolled his eyes and told me to tell you of how I feel. I hope you do not mind my rambling, and I hope you know you can come back anytime you like. And stay away for however long you like. Do tell me more of your exciting travels, you truly are a terrible correspondent.

With love and a little bit of worry,

Thomas