meant to be

room for one more

⚠️tw: mention of self harm

two years ago

another fight happened today between me and Dave again, this time it was about the valentines day date we had. he complained about me not updating my game early, and yes it was in a game..he asked me to be his valentine and i said yes. the problem was that the game took forever to update plus i was busy with other things that might have been way more important than a game, he texted me in a bothered way like he always does. i apologies and tell him we can do the date in a time where he and i can be free, but of course he lashed out on me for not giving a shit about how he felt and how much this meant to him.

it meant alot for me too but sometimes things dont go the way we want it to go and we have to accept that. but to him it wasn't like, he needs to get what he wants from someone at the moment or he will just leave you to rot, like you mean nothing to him whatsoever. if he gets the hint that you aren't focusing on his needs he will automatically assume you dont care and he will give you a bitchy attitude and guilt trip you until you want to jump of a window and kill yourself, or kill yourself esteem and hate yourself until you hit the grave.

A week passed by everything was good between us,until i saw his status it said and i quote "too much blood". My overthinking ass asked him about it and i asked if he is ok,he said it was nothing but i wanted to make sure if he actually was and thank god i did..he started ranting about how he is feeling then he hinted about hurting himself.i panicked and told him not to do that because if he did it i will do it too but he didn't believe me after what seemed like hours of trying to convince him to not hurt himself he responded with "im gonna kill myself" then went offline.tears started forming in my eyes as i called him over and over,texting him telling to not leave me like that and i didn't want him to kill himself. I was sobbing like crazy, i didn't like the thought of losing him... i dont think i would handle that. I get that feeling again..the feeling of harming myself, and thats what i did.i had scars on my arm i think it was around 5 or 4, i tried to make them bleed but it didnt bleed as much. I would always say to him no matter what happens i will be there to help him, i wanted to feel everything he felt..even pain and suffering because from what i saw, he was alone with no one with on his side.. just like me

Present day
after 3 years of sorrow and giving that much care for someone who rarely gives me anything, to me thats bullshit. When i said to myself i will sacrifice anything for him..i meant every fucking thing, now i regret doing that..because it led him to think that its ok for him to play with my feelings or my mind.

Im the one who gave him chances, i believed that he would actually change but thats bullshit as well. No one will ever change for someone, the good person will always stay good and the bad person will always stay a bad person.

i was the sheep,he was the wolf is a sheep's clothing got tricked by his pretty face,eyes and everything about him, i though hey this wolf cant be bad i think it needs someone to talk to and say how he feels, but in the same time he is waiting for the right time to rip my heart out of my rip cage.

The scars aren't there anymore because they healed so quickly, of course I never told him about me harming myself until later.i wish i didn't, we promised that we should say how we feel to each other no matter what it is and stop self harm, if one of us broke the promise we would stop talking. he broke it multiple times and i forgave him all the time because you cant  just stop doing it, it was my turn to break the promise. i was crying for two days straight i had no one to talk to i was scared to talk to someone, i sat in the bathroom floor with a cutter in my hand. i had 4 cuts two on my legs and two on my left arm, i tried to act like everything is normal but i broke down and i told my friend everything the cuts, about how i feel...everything.

then he asked me if i was ok and i told him no and that im sorry for breaking the promise. he just left me. it didn't surprise me because he left me at my lowest all the time, i was just disappointed...i gave him my trust again but he failed.... Again. i never heard from him after that he just vanished like thin air.

when he would say that he cut himself again i do the same and i always think that...

"there is room for more scars"

i have to say that after he left i felt normal, i was happy. but still it had its ups and downs, i still kept going and im moving on but that doesn't mean i don't think about him from time to time. In that month i gained self respect, i believed that im worth alot and  i shouldn't give alot to someone who gives me nothing in return. i also learned that i shouldn't sacrifice  myself to someone unless they deserve it, i started to actually love myself. when he was in my life he would always put me down and make me feel like im the worst person in the world,i felt something heavy on my chest.but now with him gone that heavy feeling faded away,i felt more alive, thanks to my friend where always there for me when i needed it. but i was too blind to see that because he was there, im now ready for anything anyone throws at me. im not scared to say how i feel anymore,im not scared of him, im not scared from anyone.

i want you to know dave that im still fucking standing.even after everything you put me through.

im

still

standing 

no matter what you say and no matter what you do to me i will get back on my feet and laugh at your face for even trying to shatter me.im done with you,im done with your crap. i thought i needed you but your the one who needs me and dare i say you are nothing without me.im sure that when you come back begging for my forgiveness i will just turn around and leave. just like you left me when i was begging for you to forgive me.

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1182 words
thank you so much for reading this chapter im so proud of myself because of how far i have gone
and dw the next chapter isnt going to be sad so yea 
see yall in the next chapter 
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