The Unlocked Notepad.

4

tw// sa & sh

I used to cut myself because,
I thought that would distract me from reality.
that emotional would vanish in the presence of physical pain.
because for me,
It's easier to bear physical pain than emotional abuse.
when they ask me how could you hurt yourself like that?
I was speechless.
afterall what can I say?
am I sick?
or am I overreacting over certain traumatic events that happened ages ago that keeps haunt me in dreams and my reality?

thousand of voices inside my head are screaming for answers that they never received.
they say I would be embarrassed if my arms looked like that, I would be embarrassed to have scars all over my precious body? are you crazy?"
whenever I gained confidence or a hope that this scars proves i'm a survivor of sexual assault and endless emotional abuse every night for straight 8 years till then.
I carried all that disgust for so long.
but whenever I'm grateful that i'm alive,
they remind me,
that i'm not a survivor but just a sick person,
who cut herself after the smallest mental breakdown, that's how they see me, that's how they judged me.

Humans are intentionally or unintentionally cruel and too careless with words.
that's what I learned all along,
there is no such thing as
mutual understanding between humans
all the crap you hear on television,
I realised they are fake.
                                      
                                          - the sick bee.