As much as you want [Chishiya x Reader]

Chapter 4 - Whatever it is that we are

Intento olvidarte pero es que no quiero
Ni tampoco puedo
Comiéndote con piel de lobo
Y tú con tu piel de cordero

Finding Kuina had been a major upgrade in your life. Both for you and Chishiya. 

For you, because you finally had someone who took an actual interest on your life, who wanted to hear what you liked, what you didn't, what you did before all of this... and what you planned to do after. Who wanted to hear about your favorite animal (clearly GORILLAS), favorite genre of books (medieval fantasy, is there anything better? Lots of swords, and magic, and fighting!) or favorite movie (FIGHT CLUB!).

"You like pretty violent stuff for how sweet you are." Chishiya had teased, with that half smile that, when directed to you, made your knees weak. 

Well, maybe it was true. You did like violence in media, as long as it was not real and you were not the target of it or the one to inflict it. But also, no, not really, since you had also maintained an hour long discussion with Kuina one night about how Shrek was probably the best movie ever created and why and it was the furthest thing from violent you could think of - it was a movie about a man (ogre) and his donkey! And love!

Anyway... For Chishiya it had been great, since now he didn't feel like he had to actually maintain a conversation with you. Or entertain you. Or take care of you. 

Although, to be honest, it was not as if he did before. 

Yet... you told yourself that was not the complete truth, remembering the night he gave you that damn blanket and slept next to you in the rocking chair. 

Why did he have to do that? ("So that you wouldn't catch a cold and became a burden" he probably would answer) Why couldn't he just let you be cold and go to sleep in the comfy big bed? (Okay, you didn't really have an answer for that...) Why did he have to mess with your feelings a little bit longer? And why, if those feelings had their source in the loneliness you felt every single day since coming to this world, did they not disappear when Kuina joined your little team?

When you asked yourself that, you wanted to rip your hair from your head and scream into the nothingness. Luckily, you knew better than that (did you? Because you were literally so close to doing it...) and tried to keep busy as much as possible. Which was not hard since you landed on The Beach.

They took you three in, of course, why wouldn't they? You had some cards they needed and were willing to help them fulfill their dream of getting the whole deck, if only because their hypothesis of leaving this place once that was done gave you the slightest bit of hope. What else was there?

So there you were, sitting next to the pool in a bikini they had given you, your legs submerged in the water while you looked around you, still in complete disbelief and shock that people were able to forget about the deadly card-hunting most would have to do that night. In your head, you compared it to students partying the night before a midterm. Only failing an exam didn't have deadly consequences for the most part.

"Are you okay?" The voice was coming from next to you. From the corner of your eye, you saw Chishiya sitting down, in a swimsuit, of course, complying with the rules of The Beach, but still wearing his white hoodie, which made you smile softly.

"Yeah... I'm just impressed." Moving your head, you pointed to a group of people in their 20s. They were clearly drunk, each one with a beer in their hand, a girl kissing a boy intensely on the lips. All of them were dancing, laughing and having the time of their life. Impending doom didn't seem to affect them, and you wish you didn't let it affect you so much.

He nodded, understanding what you meant, but did not share his opinion with you. It didn't matter, you were used to it.  Although you would lying if you said you didn't want to know. What he felt, what he thought.

He broke the silence after a few minutes. "You've changed again."

You stared at him, frowning, not knowing what he meant.

"You are somewhere in between now. You are not like when we first met, but you are also not as you were before we arrived here."

Well, it was true. It's not that you didn't feel comfortable in the beach, but there were too many people to your liking. Too many people pretending like nothing was wrong, living in denial. It was like a little oasis of happiness in the middle of a desert of despair. And it didn't fool you, but you wish it would. Happiness seemed easier to achieve when it was Kuina, Chishiya and you... or just Chishiya and you.

"I am like a cat."

He smirked, curiosity shining in his eyes. "Care to elaborate?"

"So, back home, my parents have two cats. And when we moved from one place to another, the cats would lose a lot of their hair, and even their whiskers! We didn't know what was happening, and we were worried, so we took them to the vet. She said that cats do not react well to changes in their routine, it stresses them." You stopped for a second, to see if he was following. He inclined his head slightly to the right, as a way of asking you to continue, the smile not leaving his lips. "I am like that. I don't like change. I want to feel safe, I want to eat every day at the same hour and have my little hiding space... Preferably one that does not have a lock destroyed by superglue." 

He chuckled at this. The Hatter had said it to you when you arrived - the lock of all the doors at The Beach wasn't functional. There was no privacy, no secrets. No hiding anything from others.

"And don't get me started when my parents decided to get a third cat. Again, all of them were so stressed! They couldn't bear the sight of the new kitten, so they would hiss, and growl." You said. Only, you didn't know the word for hiss in his language, so you simply did a "hssssssssssssssss" sound, putting the meanest face you could.

"You didn't hiss or growl when Kuina joined us." he pointed out, visibly entertained.

You couldn't help but laugh, shaking your head from side to side, and ended up shrugging because you didn't really have an answer for that.

He lifted his hand, up until his fingers brushed against your hair. And the laughter disappeared, and all that was left was yearning. A yearning for him to touch you, to feel him close. A yearning that was almost painful, as if you had been suddenly kicked in the stomach.

"You are also not losing any hair." He observed, coming closer, pretending to inspect your scalp, while his fingers somewhat distractedly played with a strand of hair.

"...I guess not." You whispered, feeling like, at that moment, even if you were surrounded by people, only Chishiya and you existed. 

You felt empty-headed. He was only touching your hair. It was not as if this was the first time a boy had done that. But still, it felt different.

After what felt like hours, but was probably no more than a few seconds, his hand descended and went back to laying on his side. Closer to yours than before, fingers almost touching. 

You gazed at the group you had been observing before Chishiya came, trying to clear your head. Your cheeks were burning, your body felt feverish, you knew he must have seen that you were red as a tomato. But he was still looking at you, with an indecipherable look on his face. 

You couldn't stand it any longer, the proximity was killing you and you wondered if you should just go to your room when... 

You moved your hand closer to him, to the point you were touching.

And interlaced your fingers with his.

He looked more curious than surprised, but you know he couldn't have expected this. You had been travelling together for a while and still had never touched. Until now. 

You were just glad he was not pulling away, if not actively participating in the hand holding.

You didn't know what was happening to you.

But whatever it was that you were... You just wanted it to last a little longer.