lucky star // jamie drysdale

18

"Uhm, I have to go but if you need someone to talk to or cry with, call me," I say patting my finger under my eye hoping the few tears that fell aren't obvious, "I mean it Davey."

"I know you do," I can almost hear him relax a bit, "Thanks, Ken."

The line goes dead and I slowly pull the phone away from my ear, letting my hand rest in my lap as I stare at the screen.

Connor's gone. He's really really gone. What the fuck?

Every moment we ever shared passes though my mind.

There's the first day of fifth grade, when he and his family had just moved to Bedford. He was the cool new kid everyone had a crush on. I remember everyone being so jealous when he got assigned to sit next to me. And from the moment he sat down beside me I was hooked. His curly brown hair, chocolate eyes and that playful smile had me from day one.

Then there's when he finally asked me out after three years of us being friends and hanging out in the same friend group. He asked me to winter formal in eighth grade with donuts, it felt like something out of a movie. I remember asking him if it was a real date or just a date as friends and he answered 'I was hoping a real date.'

God, I was so young and hopeful then.

We both were. We really thought we were forever. We had every thing planned out, he was going to go to college in the city and get his degree in business, while I stayed home and worked because I didn't know what I wanted to study. Then after he graduated we'd get a big house just out side of the city, so he could work in the city, and we could still be close to our families. We'd have a couple kids, dogs, all of it.

And even though we weren't together anymore, that dream was still something a part of me wanted. But he's gone.

Dead.

Oh my god, he's dead.

I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

"Kenny? Oh my god, Ken," I look up at Trevor as he rushes over to me. My vision is blurry with tears but I don't know when I started crying and now I can't stop the waterfall of tears.

He sits down beside me, "Why are you crying? What the hell happened?"

"He...he's...," I can't catch my breath long enough to speak. I brace my hands on my knees, dropping my head as I squeeze my eyes shut trying to calm myself down. My chest is so tight I can breathe.

I suck in a breath and slowly blow out all the air in my body trying to force myself to calm down.

"Kendall, you're freaking me out, who called?" Trevor's trying to stay calm for my sake but I can hear the nerves in his voice.

I take a shakey breath, opening my eyes and looking right at Trevor, "Connor overdosed last night."

His face drops, "What?"

"It was Davey calling to tell me, uhm I," I choke on tears again. Fuck. And then I'm crying again.

Trevor wraps his arm around me, pulling me to him. I'm literally crying on his shoulder, my mascara probably staining his white polo.

"I feel so stupid crying over this," I admit because I know he'll somewhat understand.

"Don't," he rubs my arm, trying to comfort me, "You loved him, that doesn't just go away."

I pull away to look at Trevor, "I just," I pause, "I don't know what actually."

"It's okay," he gives me a small smile, "I'll go get the car and we can go home."

"No," I shake my head, "I'll just get an uber back, you guys stay."

"No, you shouldn't be alone right now, Ken."

"I kinda want to be alone, please." I need to be alone to process this. Plus I don't want to ruin his or Jamie's day's, they're having fun.

"Are you sure?" He asks cautiously.

I nod slowly starting to calm down, "Positive. I'll call if I need anything."

"I'll grab your stuff real quick," he pats my back and heads back inside.

"Fuck," I hold my head in my hands looking out at the golf course spread out in front of me.