Dat chrismas ass

Chapter 4 - Nothin' to be sad about

HANNAHS POV:

Marina, Julie and Rebecca are so fun to be around but I'm scared to be myself around them. Not that they won't accept me, if they'll accept Marina then the standards aren't exactly high. I just mean... what if I let myself go, we become close and I get attached? And the next thing I know I'm on a bus out of this school and moving on to the next one? All of it will be for nothing. They'll be out of my life forever. Keeping in contact won't work either because I'm a really fucking dry texter.

When my mom died it was.. strange. I went through phases. First I was in denial, I didn't believe it. I mean I saw it with my own eyes but I just couldn't accept the truth. I continued to live my life as if nothing was wrong, but after keeping all those emotions inside, suddenly it started escaping and leaking out of me.

One night I couldn't sleep, I decided not to watch any shows or anything and just let my mind wander. There I sat in silence on my bed as everything I've been keeping inside me started leaking out. A tear shed my eyes and then another and so on and so on. I knew if I didn't distract myself fast, I could drown in my own sadness. I quickly turned on my phone and stuffed as much media I could in my mind. I'm wasn't gonna let my mind wander again.

Then this phase of complete emptiness. I wasn't denying what happened or "crying" like an idiot.
I was just empty. Nothing was real and nothing had meaning. I call this my cool phase. I didn't care about anything and I wasn't being an emotional moron. This one I just started slowly fading out of til I became.. normal?

I don't know the right wording for it but I just mean like I was before it all happened. That's how I am now. I'm over it. Obviously what happened having a big impact on my mental state is understandable but why was I so dramatic? I'm just glad I finally moved on.

Well...
I do admit. There are certain very tiny-not often-super rare moments where I still think about it.. and feel down. Like now.

The shattered glass across the floor is the least of my worries. Oh! I guess I should explain a bit first.

When I was little my dad left me and I had to stay with my mom. We moved from places to places barely making it. My mom was constantly stressed and busy. We never made a close bond though sometimes we'd have our moments. I still think about them, now more than ever.

I had many step-dads, my mom wasn't a whore she just needed the money. I just realized how that sounds, anyways. Moving away meant your bonds with people would break, I had to learn that the hard way. I have had my share of good friends but the one person who was always there throughout my entire life was my mom. After she died I got taken by the child services to first live in a foster home, they were nice til they found out I actually had an uncle. Went to live with him but he was like my mom but a hundred times worse. Instead of moving maybe once or twice a year. I move every few weeks. He can't keep a job nor a place. He's messy and stupid. Gambling addict and it's only getting worse.

How can social services let me stay with him you ask? Because he's "family" and apparently that makes him a certified parent. He only did it because of the money. Which was spent in less than an hour. At first he only gambled his own money, then his things, then my things. Yes, I am not kidding. Almost all my old things are gone, my memories with my mom, my clothes, almost everything basically. The only thing I have left of my mom is a picture, put in the frame she made herself. It has layed on my bed side table(s) since I got it. But now...

I lay on my bed as I slide my phone across my side table. My eyes widen as I hear a sound of glass shatter. I slowly turn to look at the floor. Oh my god. MY MOMS PICTURE! I pick up the photo trying not to cut myself. The shattered glass across the floor is the least of my worries. What is this pain? No no no. I'm not supposed to feel like this, I can't! No!  Why do I care? Why... Why am I.. crying..? NO! I CAN'T I WONT- STOP IT.

I crumble up the photo in frustration and throw my head back to stop the tears. I'm not weak. I shouldn't care about stupid stuff and I don't! Nope.

Okay I need to be positive. There's nothing to be upset about after all.

Hmph.

My uncles new job has been going well and he's been earning money so we can live in an actual house! Though his gambling addiction isn't improving at all... I'll probably be out on the streets in a week. Maybe I should get a job?