Hear my lullaby

13.

Joel: I can't sleep since Joonas told me everything last night. So I had to write.. what is going on in there? Be honest, please.

Seeing his message made my heart beat faster, in a good way. It confused me a little. I hesitated to write back, I didn't know what I should say. That I fainted and after that I got fever and stuff? He would get even more worried, I don't want that.
Me: It's just fever. Don't lose your sleep because of me.
I leaned my back against the backrest of the couch, I started to scroll my phone's gallery since I waited for his answer, if he's going to text me back.
Suddenly there were a few photos of me and Joel, apparently I haven't deleted them. There was one photo I studied closer, I had taken it in front of a mirror and Joel stands next to me. We were very close to each other and the smile.. the smile he had on his face. And the smile I had. We were happy.
I flinched back to reality when I felt one tear on my cheek. Quickly I wiped it away, and just in time Joel had answered.

Joel: I've been losing my sleep since I lost you.
And his text made my eyes tear up again. I covered my mouth so no one would wake up. Especially not Gilbert, he would get mad or something that I'm crying to Joel's texts. I wanted to write him back, but my hands and fingers were shaking. It was too hard as I tried to stay calm and silent, but still I wanted to cry and scream. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to escape. I wanted to feel free again.
My mind is a fucking mess and if I could, I would wipe everything away.

Joel: I know that I may sound crazy.. but when you came back here, I feel somehow better. Knowing that you're close yet so far away.. it breaks my heart but still it comforts me.

I smiled to his text. But immediately the smile I had disappeared. Yet so far away. What does he mean? We're on the same city.
Me: You're not crazy. I am not too far away, what do you mean?

Joel: You are mentally far away. It feels like your true self is somewhere else. Or your heart.

I kept reading his text over and over again. It confused me, but I understood what he meant. I do know that I'm finding myself again and I have no idea where I belong. Where should I live and with who.. or alone.
I heard some steps somewhere, so I started panicking a little. I had to text him back quickly in case Gilbert would come.
Me: I think I'm lost. To be honest, I don't know where I belong.

I shut off my phone and lifted my head up to see who is coming and why.
I was relieved that it wasn't Gilbert, it was Olli. He was sick too last night. Slowly he made his way towards the kitchen, and I watched as he opened the fridge and took some juice from there. He poured it to a glass and sat down around the kitchen table. I guess he didn't see me being awake.
I decided to stand up and walk to him, I wanted to know if he was doing okay.

He was staring at his juice when I arrived to the kitchen, silently I sat across from him. Then he glanced at me under his eyebrows, he looked very tired as his hand went through his hair.
Then my phone buzzed in my hand, so I checked if it was Joel. And it was.
"May this message sender be one Joel?" Olli suddenly questioned quietly. I looked at him, and slowly I nodded.
"How did you know?" I frowned a bit as I put the phone down on the kitchen table.

"He has been texting some lyrics to our group chat all night. I woke up to my phone buzzing on the nightstand. Mostly he writes them and Aleksi answers, since he's an night owl too." He said tired and sounding a bit frustrated. I smiled a little on my own.
"Does he write those lyrics to you too?" He continued, then he took a long sip of his juice.
"No, we.. have a different conversation going on." I explained and he nodded.

"It's great that you two can talk again. It's also good for him to be able to talk with you, it cheers him up." He sounded more relaxed and he even showed a little smile. I looked down at my phone and decided to check what Joel had sent me.
Joel: What would be the place where you would find yourself back again?
I started thinking, but I didn't know.

Me: I'm not sure. But the first step would be you taking a sleeping pill, so I could sleep too and rest this fever away.
I was amused by my own text, so I was smiling shyly when I sent it.
Joel: But don't think that this will be our last night texting.
I smiled again.

Me: Is that a threat?

Joel: It might be. Good night.

Me: Good night.

I put the phone away, and the first thing I noticed when I looked back at Olli, he was smiling. I frowned.
"What?" I asked amused, he shook his head slowly.

"I see your blush even though it's dark." He grinned and I think he was right.. so I started blushing more. But it had to disappear, so I stood up and and cleared my throat. Maybe it is time to go to sleep.
"Are you happy with Gilbert? Like you.. were with.. Joel?" Olli asked and I freezed while I stared at him.
"Happiness is temporary. It comes and goes in waves, so maybe that tidal wave of happiness is on it's way." I shrugged my shoulders unsure. I saw him frowning by confusion.

"You really think that?" He questioned when I started making my way towards the basement. He stood up and started following me.
"I have to. I chose this life and left Joel horribly, so now I need to try this kind of happiness. I can't change my course at every turn." I explained myself, but Olli was still suspicious.
"Why? You're free to do whatever you want with your life, do you really want this?" He pointed at the basement door, meaning Gilbert I think.
I put my hand on the door handle as I turned to look at him again. He looked serious.
"I know what it's like to be in unhappy and toxic relationship. I wasted my life for ten years and I can't even remember one happy memory." He continued, he placed his hands on his hips.

"Some relationships are hard at the beginning. Right now we have not so good time, but it'll change." I don't know if I believed what I just said. Probably not. Olli tilted his head and I know that he didn't believe me. I just gave him a slight smile, he turned around and started walking away, so I opened the door. I flinched a bit when I saw Gilbert standing there.
"Oh, you scared me." I sighed as I put my hand on my chest. Did he listen to my conversation with Olli all this time? I hope he didn't.
"Why you're not sleeping? You really should rest, my dear." He took my hand and pulled me closer, then he closed the door.

"I felt restless. I thought I'd come to sleep next to you, if it would help." I looked down at my hands. He put his hand on my jaw and lifted my head up slowly. Then he smiled a little and nodded.

I crawled to the mattress and Gilbert put the blanket on top of me, then he layed down behind me and wrapped his hand around my body. I closed my eyes.
For a while everything felt safe, and that we're going to be fine. But if I find out Gilbert's secret, I don't know if I can continue this. Isn't it so that you love your beloved one even on their darkest times..?
What if this all is just a phase, that he deals with his father's death in this way? Is it acceptable?
"You were talking with Olli? What did he told you?" He asked quietly.

"Nothing much.. he just woke up to some group chat notifications where Joel and Aleksi were discussing about some lyrics that Joel wrote." I mumbled against the blanket.
"What lyrics?" He continued. I was getting too tired to answer, so I sighed silently.
"I don't know."

"Maybe the lyrics tell about you." He answered, sounding normal. I opened my eyes and I was confused by his words. I didn't say anything.
I just closed my eyes again and tried to forget it. But all I saw was the picture of me and Joel I looked earlier.
Am I pathetic?

Freya and Joel had a little conversation. What do you guys think, will Freya go with Gilbert to Caribbean?
Thank you so much for reading this story and giving votes and comments <3
I hope everything good to you all, stay safe and strong🖤