If Fire Was A Lover

January 8th, 2021

There was no school due to the snowfall. Crystal Lake was well known for its amount of snow days each year. It was always nice to stay home, but we had to make up the days in the summer, which was a drag. I saw my therapist's car pull into the driveway and said bye to my mom before heading to the car. I'd been seeing Mary for four years, she was a licensed therapist and a family friend. She was also a brilliant, wise older woman. She was 98, but it was still hard for me to keep up with her. She always had so much to say, and a beautiful smile to offer the world. No matter the season, she was always positive. I loved that about her. She lived in the woods in a small house that her husband had built for her. It was a very charming home. I got into the car.

"Mary, it's lovely to see you!" I hugged her from across the seat. She smelled like apples and black coffee.

"Oh, dear Elizebeth! It's good to see you, too!" She smiled and let go of me. She began driving to the coffee shop where we met weekly. I asked her how her kids were doing, she said they were doing well. She told me about her latest hiking adventure on which she saw a bear. There was lots of wildlife on her property. Eventually I stopped beating around the bush and started talking about myself. I told Mary that lately my emotions had been a mess, that I didn't know how to gather them up and sort them out. I spoke vaguely about Logan. All I mentioned was that a lot of my confusion had everything to do with a boy, and that I knew he wasn't good for me. I also told her I didn't care that he wasn't good for me, I told her I thought I could change him. She sat in front of me and sipped her coffee. Her eyes looked sad, like she'd heard this story before and she knew exactly how it ended.

I didn't tell her that after my appointment she'd be dropping me off at his house. I told her I was going to spend the day with Wendy and Steve. When she dropped me off I wanted a few minutes for her to be gone from sight. Then I walked to Logan's house and let myself in. Pop music was playing from Scarlette's room, rap was playing from Logan's room, and Sarah was on the phone with someone in her room. Nobody noticed me. I could've turned back, nobody would know. I didn't leave, though. I walked up the carpeted stairs and straight to his room. He smiled at me when he noticed my presence and turned down his music. I looked around his room and my heart dropped when I saw the naked girls on his T.V.

"This is a nice surprise," he said, giving me a hug. I didn't hug him back, just held my coffee with both hands and stepped back from him. He didn't notice. He never seemed to notice my lack of lust. I was always painfully aware of his abundance of it. I smiled at him and sat down on the bed.

"I had therapy today." I looked at the ground as I spoke, noticing all of his clothes that had been scattered everywhere.

He took a seat next to me. "Good, I'm glad." He whispered. He proceeded to kiss me, his tongue cold inside my mouth. I kissed him back, unsure of what I was doing.

I asked him to watch a show downstairs so that we'd both have more room. He agreed and we went to sit on the couch and continue wanda vision. He stared at the television, I stared at him. I was hyper fixated on his every detail. In my mind I drew his face over and over again. I drew it from the side, from the front, from the back. I traced my fingers along his couch as if I were drawing him on paper right then and there. I wished it could always be like this; silent and non physical. I just wanted to sit with him and look at him, I wanted to count his freckles and appreciate his brown curly hair from a distance. He was art, I wanted to admire him. But I was art too, he painted me every shade of blue. I couldn't even blame him for it, I handed him the brush. When I spent time with him, I felt the imprisonment of being a girl. I didn't mind it. I'd go to prison a thousand times if it meant somebody actually loved me.
Logan's sisters left to go shopping and he finally noticed me. "What're you staring at?" He asked me.

"I just think you're pretty." I whispered.

He laughed like it was a stupid thing to say, which made me blush from embarrassment. "You're so innocent, Elizabeth. I like that about you," he leaned close to me and planted a kiss on my left cheek. "Let's go up to my room." He said. It wasn't a request, I knew that. I followed him.

And that is why I will never know if he's a bad guy. It's not abuse if I'm so willing, it's not rape if I don't stop him. I just don't enjoy it, it just makes me sick, I just remember every single place he has ever touched me and I cut myself there, I just have nightmares about it. That doesn't mean it's wrong. I layed down on the bed, hoping maybe we could skip all the touching and just fall asleep in each other's arms. We didn't skip the touching. He ripped my leggings down and began kissing my legs. I took a sharp inhale in, closed my eyes, and prepared for the worst.

At that moment, I decided something had to be done. It wasn't fair to him to let him do that to me, he didn't know he was ruining me. I couldn't hate him for something he didn't know. He got off of the bed, flipped me upside down and opened my mouth. I pushed his hand out of my mouth and sat up.

"What the fuck, Elizebeth?" He pulled his pants up and stared down at me with eyes that could kill.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't want to." I said.

"Of course you didn't. I get to pleasure you but you won't do it for me? Yeah, that's fair." He spit out. Little did he know that a bodily reaction is not always a sign of pleasure, maybe it's just fucking human. Every time he went down on me I had a war in my mind. It never felt good physically, because mentally it was killing me. The shame, the regret, the guilt, the smell, the feeling, it all made me sick.

"Logan, don't be that way," I whispered.

He pulled his pants down again and pushed me back so I was laying down.

"No, Logan I don't want to right now," I told him, being sure not to raise my voice.

"Please baby," he asked, his breath in my ear. Baby. It wasn't incorrect, I was a child. I was a baby. I was a little girl, look what he'd done to me. In a matter of a few weeks all of the sudden I felt like a woman.

"Logan, I said no." I could feel it on my stomach and it took everything in me to hold back tears. He pushed me further into his mattress and cursed.

"You're useless," he said to me.

I started to cry. He came and sat next to me as I pulled my leggings up as fast as I could. "It was a joke, okay? I'm sorry I said it." He stood up and left the room. I heard the front door open and his truck start. I looked out the window and watched him leave. I had no idea where he was going, probably to a girl who would actually give him what he wanted. I cried so hard that I fell off of the bed, holding my sides trying to rip my body open and get rid of everything I was feeling. I rolled around on his floor, screaming as mascara burned my eyes. When I finally got a hold of myself I got up and left the house.

Wendy's house was unlocked so I let myself in and passed out on her couch.