If Fire Was A Lover

January 2nd, 2021

"Okay, sounds good. I'll be back!" I said.

I took my hot coffee and left the house. The snowstorm had gotten even crazier since I had been dropped off. I walked carefully across the ice-covered road, snowflakes dancing through the air in a whimsical state. When I got to Logan's house his little sister answered the door.

"Elizebeth! Hi!" Scarlett wrapped her arms around me so quickly that I almost lost my balance. "Whatcha doing?" She asked me, her big brown eyes staring up at mine.

"I was just at Wendy's, I was wondering if Logan's home? I needed to ask him something." I replied.

"Yeah, of course he is!" She smiled and skipped off to her room. I heard the T.V playing from Logan's room. I was careful going up the carpet stairs so that I wouldn't spill my coffee. I knocked on his door lightly but I don't think he heard, so I just walked in. He was lying in his twin sized bed, a black and red flannel blanket over him. His eyes got wide when he noticed me and his face froze.

"Hey, sorry to scare you! I knocked, but..um. Sorry," I rambled on, frozen in the doorway.

He laughed and smoke poured out of his mouth. "God, I thought you were Scarlette," He explained. I let out a light laugh and gestured to my face.

"Just little old me," I told him.

"Well, come sit with me. I'm just watching Star Wars." He moved over slightly on the bed, there was just enough room for me to sit. I walked over and sat on the very edge, I had never been on a bed with a boy before. "So, what brings you here?" He asked.

"Oh, well I was visiting Wendy and she said to ask if you had an extra snowboard that might fit me?" I told him. I suddenly became very aware of how captivating his half-smile is when he looked at me.

"Yeah, I think I've got a few." He said and turned back to the T.V.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, unable or unwilling to discuss that he texted me on New Years Eve, and that we've always had a connection but never pursued it, or that he's friends with my brother so I shouldn't even be there, or that his parents were gone and his little sister was downstairs. There was no speaking, no deciding, it just happened. He told me to sit closer, so I did. He started rubbing my thigh. I tensed up, he told me to relax, and I did. He started kissing my neck, I froze, he said to follow his lead. And I did. He kissed me and couldn't help but keep my eyes open. It felt so horribly wrong. What if his little sister needed something? What if his parents come home? What if my brother found out? What if I'm not okay with this, what if I want to stop right now? But I've never been good at vocalizing my fears, so I didn't. His tongue was cold inside my mouth, it shocked me. I thought mouths were supposed to be warm, but not his. Even his hands on my legs were cold. He took my coffee and placed it on his bedside table.

I pulled away and he smiled. He pushed me down and I decided that this is just what boys do, they take what's theirs. And you lay there and you let it happen. Because if you don't, his little sister is gonna hear you. He unzipped my jeans while keeping his face attached to mine, I tried pulling away because I couldn't breathe. I'd never kissed someone like that before, I didn't know when it was okay to come up for air, when it was okay to say stop, so I just didn't. I held my breath and closed my eyes as tightly as I could. I felt his harsh touch inside me, his hand penetrating my femininity, and I felt my soul leave my body. It floated above me, screaming and crying since I couldn't. Suddenly I hated myself, because how could I let this happen? If only my brother knew what I was doing, he would feel so betrayed. But then again, was I really the one doing it? I began to cry. It was a silent cry, but tears streamed out of my eyes and into my ears. It took him a while to notice but when he did he zipped my jeans back up and held me, gently tracing his hands along my back.

"It's okay, I'm safe." He kept repeating. I held onto him and let him embrace me, unsure of what to feel or do or say. My whole world had just turned upside down, what had I just gotten myself into? I felt my heart slow down to its regular pace and stopped crying, still not speaking.

"I know, it's okay. I just have a hard time with physical stuff, I guess." I said quietly.

"You don't have to be scared of me. I'm nothing like him," Logan told me.

I nodded at him, thinking about how easy it was for him to lie to me. Logan was exactly like him, touching me made me cry. They had that in common, and I hated him for it. At that moment, so much hate for Logan coursed through me that I thought I might explode. But then it passed, and I just felt like maybe he was the best thing to ever happen to me. Like, maybe this night was supposed to happen, like maybe this was the start of something beautiful. Like maybe what he did was okay.

He walked me out and I crossed the road back to Wendy's house and passed out on the couch. The coffee cup remained at his house, but I had no energy to even stand. It could wait until morning.