the delicate balance (of me and you) | tsireya x y/n

Realisation (chapter twenty five)

You wake up to a silent house, the Sully's sleeping around you. The sound of the breeze rustling the leaves of trees fills the air of the early morning, dim blue light falling through the doorway. Your eyes are damp with tears; you don't quite know why. And for a while, you just lie and think. About your father; about the loneliness you feel, despite being surrounded by people, the Sully's Tsireya. And you think about Tsireya. You think about the way you can sit in silence with her; the way her hair falls, the way her lips feel against yours. You sigh. Early morning blues.

Then you notice Neteyam blinking owlishly and rolling over slowly. You grit your teeth as he notices you, also awake. Fuck. You've been avoiding him, even though it's been weighing heavily on you. Not because of your father, and how you remember him every time Neteyam laughs, or smiles, or simply exists; no, you've long forgiven him for that (or so you tell yourself). Because of Aonung. Because you don't want to be the one to tell him that he's been betrayed, see the realisation in his eyes. You sigh again, sitting up. Well, I'll have to now. Why is it always me? you think, as you stretch and begin to get up. You gesture to Neteyam to come outside with you, and he nods, silently getting up.

He follows you outside quickly and quietly, catlike. You lead him a fair distance away from the hut, ensuring that no one will hear you two. You sit by the water, your knees tucked up with your chin resting on them. Neteyam sits beside you, his feet in the water, and waits. You sit for a minute while you think of how to phrase this, how to break it lightly. Shit. There's really no way, you realise, your own heart breaking for Neteyam as you remember how it felt. How you could barely stand as Tsireya walked away from you. Your heart shattering like glass. Your face hardens as you turn to Neteyam.

'Look, Neteyam. Aonung...' you hesitate, looking in his eyes. He's confused, his eyes searching yours as he waits for you to continue. 'He used you. He told me. He never loved you, he was just bored...' you trail off as into silence. Neteyam sits still, his expression unchanging. And then you realise, understanding flooding through you. 'You knew.' He smiles sadly, his eyes creasing comfortably, pools of emotion that you can't reach into, can't comprehend. And he nods. 'Why?' you ask quietly. He hesitates, his eyes flicking to the ground. 'I wanted to pretend,' he says softly, his eyes meeting yours again as he looks up. His expression is vulnerable, open. 'I wanted pretend that he really could love me.'

And you can't think of anything to say, anything to do. All you can do is sit in silence, and clasp his hand between yours. And you know that he knows what you're wordlessly saying. I'm sorry.

* * *

You're with Tsireya, even though it's broad daylight. You couldn't stay away. 'Poor Neteyam,' she whispers as you finish telling her what happened. She sighs, looking up at the mangrove roots forming a roof over her head, the sunshine streaming through the gaps in them and making bright puddles on the sand. She lifts a hand, playing with her fingers in a ray of sunlight, watching the shadows that they make. You smile gently, grabbing her other hand and folding your fingers into hers comfortingly. 'I'm glad we don't have to pretend.'

And then you're rudely interrupted.

'Now, what's happening here?' you hear, and fear pools into your stomach. You look up slowly, glaring. 'Aonung.' He smirks, folding his arms across his chest smugly. 'Don't look so happy to see me.' You roll your eyes, and Tsireya stands up abruptly. She pulls her hand away from yours, and as her fingers slip away from yours, you begin to feel uneasy. It'll be okay, you think, only half convincing yourself. You stand up, ignoring your worries as Tsireya steps forward, shoving Aonung. He grabs her wrist, and she yanks at it, but can't escape. She glares up at him as he pulls her next to him. 

'Now, didn't I tell you that I didn't want you two to be together anymore?' You shrug, crossing your arms. 'We don't have to listen to you.' He raises his eyebrows. 'Oh, yeah? Even though I have the leverage?' You scoff. 'Like you'll snitch.' 'Oh, I will,' he says, grinning. 'No you fucking won't,' Tsireya says suddenly. And you watch incredulously as she brings her knee up sharply, hitting him right in the balls. She stands over him proudly as he collapses to the ground, groaning. 'Yeah, go ahead and fucking try snitching,' she says, kicking him again. You laugh as she grabs your hand, pulling you away. Leaving him lying in the dirt.

* * *

'He won't,' she says confidently later that day. 'You sure?' you say, concerned. 'He better fucking not,' she says, and you grin at the fire in her eyes. 'Okay then,' you say, grinning. You cup her face with your hand, pulling her into a kiss. Your hands slip into her hair, which is wildly blowing with the sea breeze. The waves roar in your ears. You're back on the cliff now, because Aonung knows anyway, so you may as well go back to your old spot. As you kiss her, you reminisce; remembering your first kiss again. But then you're back in the moment, and she's all you can think about; the softness of her lips, the way her hand's cupping your face, how she's pulling your hips against her. You breathe her in, and she's everywhere; she's your everything. These days, you see her everywhere, you think about her all the time. You couldn't imagine not having met her. And even though your father's gone, and it still hurts, all the time, having her makes it just that tiny bit easier.