My Dead Wife's Diary

Try Out

"I'm sorry. I have to try out." I know it may sound crazy but I have to kiss her. I have to know if she's really Liz. I have to test if her lips taste the same the last time we kissed. I have to know if the way she kiss is exactly the way she kisses me. I have to really know if they're one. If Liz is Lucy and Lucy is Liz. I need to know. If my guts are right, then I'm falling to the same person and I'm not giving up on her this time. We're out in the street in front of the coffee shop where we should meet and we're kissing. It may look so scandalous but I don't give a damn. I have to know now, I have to do it here and it can't wait until later. It should be...

"Sieg..." she didn't slap me in the face like anyone in their right mind will do. She just stood there and waited 'til I'm done. And I'm done. I'm done kissing her. A kiss that seems to be more of a search of a lost gem instead of a romantic moment of the two people in-love and reunited. And there... she stared at me with her eyes so innocent and teary like she knew that the answer for my search is "NO". It's definitely not Liz. I haven't found what I've been looking for. I know how Liz kiss, I know her every stroke, I know her lips, I know how she teases and makes me want for more, I know that when the first time we kissed in that coffee shop... she's the one that I want to kiss for the rest of my life. For a second there, I got lost. I got lost to the sense that I'm looking at the person whom I thought I've been looking for and when I saw her, she's not that person and I just want to disappear than to say anything to hurt her more than the way I hurt her right now with my razor lips that just kissed her and torn her into pieces.

"I'm so sorry, Lucy." those are the only words that left my filthy mouth that seemed to threw up on her instead of kissed her. I saw her eyes looking back at mine telling me to try it again but I just can't. I can't hurt her again with a kiss and tell her "you're not the one". I can't even look at her again. The shame, the pain, the disappointment, the confusion... all these emotions are coming up on me and pulling me in like a black hole. I have to get out of there fast. I have to be nowhere near her.

I ran out of the spot and took the cab that first caught my sight.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"Somewhere far." I just answered with nothing clear in my head.

"It's gonna be a long ride."

I found myself back at my house. Drowned to the feeling that I failed at something and that I hurt somebody so bad and now I'm at my worst.

"Honey!!!" from a very familiar voice who clenched me from behind and touched my back with her soft and bumpy breast.

"Mandy? Oh... you're back." I know... it doesn't seem like my most excited tone but I just woke up from a nightmare to another nightmare.

"You never answer my text, you never call back. What can I do? It's been a month and a half and I'm so scared that you'll be backing out from our wedding." I've been thru a lot and that's all she's worried about. What kind of woman is this? Is she really going to be my wife? All she's thinking about is herself. She didn't even bother to ask how's my wrecked day.

"Mandy, can we talk?" I calmly beg.

"What look is that? Don't give me that look... hon... I don't like it. If you're gonna tell me that you're canceling the wedding, I won't be listening." she seems to be panicking. I'm not backing out but I'm not sure either if I still want to pursue this wedding. How can I say it in a nice way?

"Hon, I just felt that it's just too sudden. Can we just move it to another date? Like in December? December is a good month for weddings, don't you think?" I just actually need more time to think and I'm hoping it will work.

"December? December!? But I want to be a June bride!!! You promised me!" and here she goes with her spoiled bratty girl tone who wants her new shoes as promised by dad.

"December is just perfect. Winter. People can wear suit. Why not December 31 so at the struck of 12 midnight, there'll be fireworks welcoming the New Year? It's going to be a blast!" trying to convince her with my seemingly excited tone and puppy eyes that I'm just as excited as her even though I'm just delaying things before I commit the biggest mistake of my life.

"December? December 31. Okay. December 31 it is. Anyway, I really have a lot of going on in my mind right now with a very short period of time to prepare. Okay. I think you're right. December 31 is a good date and it will give us more time to perfect this wedding." and I felt like I hit the jackpot!

"Great! It's going to be really amazing!" Like I really believe that.

"Hon, I want you to know that as soon-to-be-your-wife, I want to be submissive to you so starting today, I'll agree to all your wishes. And I know just what you have in mind... am I right?" the look that she always does when she's signaling the sex flag as she sit with her legs spread on my lap and her arms on my nape making me face her bountiful mountains.

"Hon... Hon... you know I want that. And I really miss you so bad and I've been craving for you but I want to do this right. We have to keep ourselves pure 'til our wedding night. I hope you understand that I want to be worthy of your love until that time." She's hot and all but I'm just not in the mood right now. Really not.

"Oh... that's the sweetest darnest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I'm so touched. Okay. Let's do this waiting thing if that will make you happy and worthy but when you change your mind, don't come begging me." like I will change my mind. I just don't want to make love with her. I really don't feel that doing it is going to be right with what I'm feeling right now for another person.