Deja Vu (SatoGou)

Chapter 14

At school on Monday, I get there before Ash, and when he sits down beside me, I don't feel angry, or frustrated, for the first time. I worry it might be awkward, and my heart is racing from the second I sit down, but he talks to me normally, the way Dawn or Chloe would, but he's not quite being the way he used to be. He doesn't touch me at all. There's nothing remotely close to flirting. It's nice, but I miss the way it used to be. I miss our closeness, even if it led to our end. I know that this is for the best, though.

At break, we walk out together, arms touching casually. Chloe and Dawn look up as we emerge, and I see their faces go slack. Then, Dawn's lights up. I don't know why, but I'm embarrassed, so I avoid her eyes as we walk over. Ash nudges me as we get closer, and when I look up at him, he's smiling warmly at me, almost reassuringly. I look away again.

"Oh my God," Dawn says as we approach. "Please tell me this means you've made up."

Chloe doesn't say anything, but she's looking between us, waiting impatiently for the answer. "Yeah," I say. "You could say that."

Abruptly, she starts to cry. It sends a shockwave through me, and I panic, seizing up. I stumble for words, reaching out for her, but then she starts laughing, wiping at her eyes. "I'm sorry," she says, smiling up at me, still crying. "I'm just so relieved."

Her words tug at my heart. Sometimes I forget that we were a group, and our fall out ripped us all apart, not just Ash and I. Before I can speak, I feel a hand on my shoulder, and whirl to see Gary standing behind me, frowning.

"Hey," I say. He glares over at Ash, but I shake my head. "It's alright. We're friends again."

Gary raises a single eyebrow. He's the only one that knows what really happened between Ash and I besides Chloe, and it seems like he's not convinced. I don't blame him, especially now that he knows I had feelings for Ash. "Well, then." He smiles. "Good to have you back, man."

For the rest of the day, we carry on as normal. At lunch, we all sit at the same table, with Drew, May and Misty. Occasionally, I almost separate from my body, and I become aware of how strange the situation is. I never would have believed Ash and I would be friends again. A week ago, I never would have believed I'd be sitting with everyone again. It's so strange how I'm fitting right back in, like I never left.

When I walk home with Chloe, she's strangely silent, but she's smiling wistfully ahead, clutching the straps of her bag. For a moment, she looks fifteen again, even though she looks completely different now. She catches me staring and looks up at me, her green eyes wide. "I always knew you and Ash would find your way back to each other."

"We're taking it slow. I don't think it's good to rush back into things." I frown. "I don't want to end up obsessed with him again."

"Are you still in love with him?" She asks hesitantly.

I think about the question for a second, and the answer comes loud and clear. I had been so worried about letting the feelings back in, but there's not really any doubt in my mind. "Yes," I admit. She nods, but doesn't push any further. I don't think there's much more to say about it. I'll always, always be in love with Ash.

— — — —

Ash and I haven't texted each other since we made up. I don't want to be the first one to message, and he probably won't, because I told him I wanted to go slow. The more time I spend with him, though, the more I want us to. I find that already I want to tell him every thought that comes into my head, like I used to. Whenever I see or hear something interesting, my first thought is to tell Ash.

It's Friday now. It's been a whole week since we became friends again. I know that's no time at all, but already I'm comfortable with him again, or at least I am at school. He hasn't been to my house since, and I haven't been to his. We haven't hung out outside of school. Every time I think about asking him to, I freeze up.