"I need space." Those were the words Jacky said to Ryan the night before they both left for separate colleges. Now, each of them will try to learn who they are without the other. Will their paths lead them back together?
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If only they could stay like this forever, with his head resting on Ryan's shoulder, close and sweaty and spent, the sheets wrapped around their waists and tangled in their legs. Jacky could inhale the scent of Ryan's cologne, something earthy and familiar. He could run his hand through Ryan's sweaty blond hair and kiss his smooth-shaven jaw, and everything would be okay.
"I wish we were going to be closer," Ryan said into the darkness of the room, breaking the spell.
Jacky swallowed the words he would have to say before Ryan left. He wanted to savor this for just a few minutes more. "Me too."
"Maybe you can transfer after your first year, to someplace closer to Boston," Ryan said.
"Maybe."
As it was, Jacky had applied to a bunch of colleges in Boston and hadn't gotten in. It felt like every day brought a thin envelope with the words "I regret to inform you..." while Ryan had been accepted at most of his first-choice schools. He'd gotten a full ride to Tufts, and Jacky had pushed him to accept. "It's too far away," Ryan kept saying.
The closest school where Jacky had been accepted was UMass Amherst, two hours away from Boston. The only other acceptance letter Jacky had received was from Syracuse. Five hours away. Ryan had only applied to one school in New York—CUNY, his safety school.
"Syracuse is a good school," Jacky's mother had said, and Jacky knew she was right. Syracuse looked like his dream of what college life would be like. "You can't plan your future around what Ryan is doing. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Lots of people have long-distance relationships. And you'll be able to see each other during school breaks."
Ever since they'd chosen their colleges back in April, Jacky had felt like summer's end was the end of their relationship, too. When Ryan went off to school, he'd meet all kinds of new people. Other gay guys, who Ryan might hook up with during a dorm party. Guys who were probably just as driven as Ryan was.
Ryan knew exactly what he wanted to do: he wanted to be a doctor and find a cure for the cancer that had taken his mother too soon.
Jacky had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. One minute he thought he might want to major in psychology, the next he found himself ranting about how much he hated people. At one point he had blurted out wanting to be a physical therapist, as if that wasn't an impossible dream with his amputated arm.
"It's only a month until Columbus Day weekend," Ryan said, pressing his lips against Jacky's forehead.
Jacky hummed. They'd already planned for Ryan to drive back and stay at Jacky's house for the long weekend, which probably wouldn't happen after tonight. He closed his eyes, trying not to think about the future. He wanted to remember the party last night, where they'd gotten drunk and fallen into a closet to make out for a while, until Cody had found them. He wanted to remember their eclectic group of friends, stoner Cody and uptight Monica and dumb blond Lance, playing Cards Against Humanity and laughing until they cried.
"Winter break, though, that's too long for me to stay here, since I'll have to find a job in Boston," Ryan continued. "But maybe you can come stay with me, in my apartment."
All the thoughts weighing him down disappeared. Jacky wiggled out from under Ryan's arm until he was sitting upright. "Wait, you got an apartment? Not a dorm?"
"Yeah." Ryan smiled nervously. "Pete and I are renting a place with some other pre-med students. It'll save a ton on housing. It'll be like a dorm, basically. I'm sharing a room with Pete."
"When were you gonna tell me?" Jackie snapped. As if he'd forgotten what he was going to say later.
Ryan shrugged and his smile turned sheepish. "Now? It didn't seem like a big deal. We weren't even sure it was gonna work out."
Jacky couldn't stop staring at Ryan's face in the low light, how it accentuated his cheekbones and softened the angles. Ryan was beautiful. Too beautiful. He wouldn't last a second single in Boston. And already the distance between them had grown. Already Ryan wasn't telling him every detail about his new life.
"Seriously," Ryan started, his words cutting through the silence, "it'll be just like living in a dorm. And Pete had no place to go, and I had to think about where I'd go every school break, and it just made more sense." Ryan winced, as if preparing for whatever barbed thing Jacky would say next.
He's too good for me, Jacky thought. I don't deserve him. All the fight that had risen up at this new information whooshed out of him, leaving him with only a tightness in his throat.
"You're right," Jacky mumbled, and settled back down into Ryan's shoulder. Ryan was ready to move on. Jacky was an anchor that would only hold him back. It was a good thing Ryan would have Pete and a whole life to consume him. This way it wouldn't be so bad when Jacky eventually looked into Ryan's eyes and said the words he needed to say:
