Acknowledging the disgust.

• the pain left untold •

I leave the college campus and just walk away from it. I don't know why but I just want to walk far, far away from this place and forget all of this ever happened. And walking away from the college I end up in the Shiv mandir. Yes, the same one where I and he had promised each other our eternity after a long, long gap of staying apart. And I automatically smile, Mahadev has always brought me solace and his divine self has always been the ultimate one to me, the one who I did go to for any and every problem. And today, I also see the Ardhanareshwar behind the Shivling. Looking divine, pleased and complete by each other's side stand Shiv and Shakti. The divine Masculine and the divine Feminine. And this somehow soothes my soul. I always have associated love to Shiv-Shakti. They to me define what true, unconditional, real love is. I stand there not knowing how much time has passed, admiring them both or should I say one for they do not exist apart from one another. I know the love of my life, didn't doubt my love but he did doubt my intentions behind playing my character, he did doubt that I had deliberately hid the fact that I'd be hugging someone else in the play. And I understand he was upset, was angry and really, really mad. But did he ever wait and think of my side of the story. Did he ever ask me how I actually felt hugging someone I always had my principles against? I did seem extremely uncomfortable when I was pulled into an unintentional hug and I do not expect him to read my face but I do expect him to be courteous enough to ask me about the experience, talk to me and clear the misunderstandings. I love him, I always have and I always will but now I know why people have so many problems in their relationships and sometimes, even love isn't enough. But I knew, I would always prioritize my relationship over my ego and yes, I agree, fully that there had been instances that I was immature and I made bad decisions but I took accountability for that and I did all that was in my power to make things right. I know I would never be able to fall out of love but I knew and believed more strongly that I couldn't live without the understanding. being upset was his right, but I wanting to find a comfort is his arms and understanding is his eyes was mine's. While, all this went on in my head, the sound of the bell ringing in the temple made me realize that I had to return. Sometimes, we come to solace but we need to remember solace is just an escape but not a reality. The world is chaos, but we can choose not to be. So, I wake down the steps of the temple and see him climbing the steps. I cannot look him in the eyes and so, I look away. Maybe, for the first time I didn't hold on to the eye - contact. Not just any eye contact, but the eye contact, our eye contact. Even, when he did break my heart, I couldn't resist the eye contact but today I just didn't feel like it and though my heart ached to run into his arms I didn't. I kept descending the steps finding all of my friends there. I didn't want to have that conversation of why they were all here even when I asked them not to go around looking for me. I just went to my sister and told her I was ready to go our house. And without waiting for her reply, I grabbed her hand and started walking.

And then, I hear one of 'his' friends call out but I didn't stop. Why? You ask. Simple, because I didn't want to. I was exhausted, completely drained and needed to cry my heart out. But, he kept going on. And then he just very casually said 'This shows how much of a love you have for the person you claim to be your first true love. You cannot even listen to him and he's always been crazy around you. Doing his best. It was so easy for you to abandon him and let go of him and now, again you're doing the same. A minor inconvenience and you're always ready to leave and that is how it is for you. That is how it has always been. You've always thought of everyone else above him and you will continue to do the same.' And this caught my attention. It was like a filmy scene you know? Well, my life has never been less than a thriller drama peppered with love and savored with gratitude. So, I stop in my tracks and turn around and I begin laughing. Aha! No, not like those bloody maniacs in the movies but because I am really amused and entertained. This again comes as a shock to everyone around. After all, when have they seen me act like this? The way I am behaving right now. Now, I just cannot let this go. I need to reply to this because this is a question on my love and the dedication, I have towards it. So, I walk towards the gang. There's a strange silence in the air, almost as if all of a sudden it has been feasted upon and all the love, the softness and the purity was devoured out of it.