Oneshots

Ich

Inspiration: Mein Tag

Kategorie: Angst

Sprache: Englisch
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Loneliness.

A feeling I like, but at the same time hate so much.

The moments, when you are standing all alone near a group of people which you technically don't belong to, but have to be with, because the people you used to like, are avoiding you.

When you don't know what happened to the old you, which used to always have someone to hang out with. When you ask yourself if you're the problem, because you are too weird. When you ask yourself: Did she tell her, that we broke up? That I broke up with her? Is that why tey're avoiding me?

When you have friends, but no one really is your true friend. When you don't have someone you can talk to, but you're always there if someone wants to talk to you. When you're just kinda there, but no one really cares. When you feel like a burden to people, because you're too annoying.

That are the moments of loneliness that I hate. I despise them so much. I wish I wouldn't have to experience them. They're messing with my brain and making me hate myself.

But then also, when I'm alone in my room, reading or watching something; I love the loneliness. It's embracing me in its warm arms, making me feel loved, cared about and not alone at all. The voices of people who are there, but also aren't. The words, that flood my brain and are making me feel something.
His voice echoing in my head, as if he was another version of myself. I love him so much, because he reminds me of myself. I see myelf in him and that's what makes me not feel lonely. Because I know there's someone, who knows what I feel sometimes. I do love him, but not in a weird way. He's something like my saviour, he helps me whenever I'm down and when I'm panicking.

When he's there, on my phone screen, I admire the loneliness. Just me, him and his laugh which can be cute and scary at the same time. Or when I'm reading something that I really enjoy. It actually doesn't even feel like I'm alone in that moment.

I'm addicted to that feeling and I know that it is not good for me. But I just can't stop. What will help me, if not this? Who will help me if not him?

The boy I tried to help through a literal panic attack who got back to his friend the next day tho?
Definetly not.
My parents who make fun of me, because I think I might have a mental illness?
Why should I even try it.

I don't know how this turned out this way and I know, many people won't read this at all, but I just wanted to write down my feelings from today. Idk, I just fellt like it.

To the people who acually read this: Thank you so much. Even tho I don't know you, I'm sure you are a wonderful person. And when you don't think that; shush. This world doesn't deserve you <3 You're too good, I swear. I love you <3