heaven ☆ mick mars

41.

TRIGGER WARNING: needles, drugs, physical abuse & signs of it, kidnap, body weight description.

my throat was on fire.

i swallowed with a dry mouth. bad idea. it was like swallowing a spoonful of nails.

i felt itchy all over. i couldn't inhale or exhale fully.

any attempt to make sense of my whereabouts was pointless. the room was dark, a darkness i had never seen before. the inside of my eyelids looked exactly the same as my surroundings, which made blinking an unsettling sensation.

i hadn't even moved yet. i could tell i was lying down, on something ice cold.

as i became more conscious, i noticed i could feel the skin of my mid-torso stretch over my rib cage tightly.

it was this feeling that stirred movement in my arms. they felt stiff and achy. i ran my hands over my rib cage.

shit.

i didn't even recognise my own body as my fingers traced the bones. i had lost an alarming amount of weight.

how long had i been out?

my eyes stung and i could feel my heart thump in my chest the more i remembered about my last waking moment.

i shot upright in panic. big mistake.

sharp, shooting pains rushed up my arms and my chest was on fire like my throat.

a croaky shout in agony escaped my lips at the sudden crippling pains. i didn't recognise the sound of my own voice.

as i went to lie back down from the unbearable pain, the crown of my head bashed against something solid behind me.

with all my energy i lifted up my arm above my head to identify it. it was a wall, what felt to be concrete.

pushing my body up with all my might, i sat up against it, tears flooding down my cheeks as my body seethed with burning agony.

it was so quiet. couldn't hear a fucking thing aside from my own panicky sounds.

regulate your breathing, lill. i told myself.

but all kinds of invasive thoughts shook me to my core. had i gone blind? was i dying? if so, i clearly wasn't in a hospital, so i would die.

i tried to focus on my breathing but i couldn't. whether it be the panic, the pain in my body, maybe something else? i just couldn't concentrate.

my attention was quickly drawn to my left arm. it felt dead. like the nerve endings were shot and i couldn't feel much.

i examined it with my right hand. my fingers rapidly found my upper arm had been tied tightly.

i then ran my fingers along the underside skin of my forearm. the motion made the skin sting, it felt bruisy too, a substance of sorts had dried on it.

i was fucking terrified.

i had broken out into a cold sweat, perspiring like i never had before.

i felt light-headed. the panic? the shock? i don't know. i felt desperate.

the "oh my shit, i've been blinded" theory went out the window when i noticed the faint outline of something. about 5 metres ahead of me. rectangular in shape, dim light ran along all of its sides.

a door.

my head split as i forced my weak, aching body to stand. my nose streamed as i did, the taste of metallic blood was undeniable.

i used the wall perpendicular to the one i was against to get to the door. my right leg smashed into the dull but sharp corner of something. i cursed as loud as i could. which wasn't very loud. my throat was as dry as a dirt track.

i kept moving around the object, holding one hand out in front of me to prevent any further unexpected collisions.

as i reached the door, i scrambled to find the handle. when i did, i felt hesitant when it came to the attempt of opening it.

clearly i wasn't safe in there. but what was outside terrified me even more.

curiosity and desperation got the best of me. i twisted the doorknob. nothing. fucking great.

i tried it again, maybe my hands were too sweaty.

nothing.

in a burst of anger i started hammering on the door. i didn't shout anything coherent, i simply cried out in frustration and fear. my fist thundered against the wooden door, before using my foot as a force to break the door down.

i didn't know where the fuck i was or what had happened, all i knew is that i was fucking pissed that my life had come to this.

his face crossed my mind. mick's. then the image of my suffering brother. tommy's outburst in the club. my mother and stepfather's endless years of abuse. joanna's slimy demeanour. dewy being attacked.

the frequency of my foot pounding at the door was at capacity as rage overcame me. a rage i had never felt before. the adrenaline drowned out the pain in my body.

my attempt at kicking the shit out of the door came to a halting stop. simultaneously, i heard the rush of footsteps down what sounded like a staircase towards wherever i was AND remembered the last voice i heard before blacking out.

i stumbled back from the door as it unlocked rapidly then flew open, smashing against the wall as it did.

tears streamed as the sudden light burned my eyes.

my vision had no time to adjust, all i saw was a tall figure making their way towards me.

a main light was switched on, i suddenly missed the dark.

i tried to scramble away, it was no use. i felt a large hand wrap around my aching neck, a tight grip, as i was brought to my feet, gasping for breath.

fuck.

"what the fuck do you think you're doing?" his voice demanded to know with an unsettling calmness.

i saw his face. then i started to see stars.

my fucking asshole stepfather.

he pushed me with considerable force towards the hard floor. no cry of pain left my lips. i just lay in a crumpled heap on the floor.

i didn't even feel human. i had no energy. i was fucking drained.

he rummaged around for something in a metal cabinet. i watched as he tightened the tie around my arm with his teeth.

i didn't fight. i couldn't. i just knew it wasn't good. this was very, extremely, fucking bad.

he found a vein, then stuck a needle deep in my forearm, injecting something.

"look at you.." he lifted my chin up to look at him. "just like your fucking pathetic brother."

my mind became extremely hazy from there.

he kept looking at me, watching me lose my mind.

and for some reason, i don't know why, i felt relieved.

a voice spoke. it came from me, but it felt involuntary.

"thank you.." i whispered.

my body started to relax and i felt euphoria take over my mind.

but i saw his face again. not the monster's.

i saw mick.

these bastards had me hooked on some shit. how long had i been there for them to achieve that?

i didn't care. though guilt tugged at me slightly, i couldn't deny the building feeling inside.

whatever they had me hooked on, i fucking loved it.

shit.

then, black.