Cold Fame || ENHA

27. Dreamland

I gathered all my new items (except the switch since it was charging) and recounted all of them. A pearl bracelet and chocolate, Ori the duck plush, perfume and sunglasses, then finally the Prada bag.

I began to tidy the area up. I put the chocolates in the kitchen, the perfume, sunglasses and Prada bag on top of the dresser. I threw Ori up on my bed with Eun, Soha, and Goun. My plushie family is steadily building.

Time skip

After a while of hanging out, Jay and Sunoo left. It was about 8pm now. Me and Heeseung were sitting on the couch. He was somewhat slanted while leaning against the couchins while my head was rested on his shoulder.

"Sorry I didn't give you as many presents as Sunoo and Jay." Heeseung suddenly apologized. I popped my head up quickly, our gazes connecting. I shook my hands as if to say "No its fine" because it really was.

I get too flustered when getting more than one gift according to earlier, especially if it was expensive. "I still feel bad though." Heeseung whined. I rolled my eyes and laid my head back down on him.

Then the memories of the way hes been treating me washed over my brain. Why am I suddenly so gushy whenever hes around? I'm just letting him love me for a day or two then disappear for a week or more.

I lifted my head off of him and scooted to the other end of the couch, resting my head on the arm of it. "Yah, why'd you move?" He asked, not seeming too happy about it.

I hummed in response and closed my eyes. "Fine then." Heeseung was acting like a child and pouting. I scoffed and opened my eyes once more, moving my head to look down at him.

He had his eyes shut and a small frown formed on his lips. I didnt feel bad. I'm not sure if he feels bad about what hes done to me but earlier when he first came in my dorm it's just something about him asking what's wrong that seems genuine even if he tries to hide it.

The guilt eventually got to me, realizing that Heeseung cared even if he didnt want to. I moved back over to him and laid my head back onto his shoulder. I took a glimpse up at him to see his frown turned to a small smile.

It didnt take much longer for me to have fallen asleep on him. His arms embracing me as I went to the land where dreams thrive and reality is a mere joke.

Dreamland.

December 31st, 2020

It's New Years Eve. Wether Heeseung likes it or not I am going to have at LEAST one drink. It wont be so bad. If theres truly a good occasion to drink it's New Years.

It's around 9pm so its slowly edging to midnight. I'm eager to find an escape. Past few days have been rough with practice and difficult choreography for the MMA's. Heeseung is back to his snappy attitude during practice.

Jay has given up trying to get Heeseung to stop doing it which I dont blame Jay. I've given up caring about what Heeseung says. It just goes through one ear and out the other.

I think he's noticed I've began to just ignore him when he scolds me and I think it's just pissing him off even more. I try not to let ot affect me but he gets really mean about it sometimes especially if I don't nod or something and just look away like he isnt talking.

Jay has to intervene and tell him to just drop it which I truly appreciate. Meanwhile I'm in my kitchen, cold and slowly eating some noodles I've warmed up. It's the only thing I've eaten since the 27th and the pain in my stomach was just too much.

I feel awkward talking about my eating struggles...they are called ED's for short but I know others go through the same and have fought through it and I admire that kind of strength.

Thanks to Jay, Sunoo and Heeseung I'm getting somewhat better with it but it makes me cry to think most dont have others to help them out which is one big reason I admire the strength of those with ED's.

Or with any mental issues/disabilities and those with physical disabilities. Its inspiring to hear the stories of their strength and give advice to those who go through similar things.

Sorry, side rant but you understand. I had a fluffy blanket wrapped around me while I scrolled through my phone and ate at the same time. I was getting so exhausted from hate that I was receiving.

We've only debuted about a month ago but even before it's just so consistent. I keep seeing stuff about me being mute, my weight, my face, etc. Its hard seeing people constantly have the ego and audacity to post such horrible things about me.

It's not just me, I do sometimes see things about other members but apperantly since I'm the only girl I'm the "only problem" according to neitizens because "I'm a girl" in a boy group.

It's not like I wanted this. Trust me, I would have preferred if I debuted in a girl group. If I'm honest I think the only reason they put me on I-land was for views and didnt expect people to actually vote me into the group.

I'm starting to think they voted me in the group has a joke and an excuse to hate on my because I'm a girl. Just say your misogynistic and leave me alone instead of telling thousands of people what a shitty person you are and to tell everyone to surely avoid your ugly ass.

Sorry again, got angry. It truly makes me fume though. Once I get the chance and good reason to, I'm leaving this group. I cant do this. Why did I ever want to be an idol? This isnt what I wanted.

Yet, what more could I expect in a society like this? Kindness? Courtesy? Love? Fairness? Haha. That doesnt exist. It never has. Probably never will considering how scared people are of change.

Goodness, I'm getting too deep in thought. This is why I hate being alone so much. I let out a shaky breath. Then my door suddenly swung open after quick typing on the passcode thing.

I gasped and looked up in surprise. "I know it's getting late but I cant trust you alone on a night like New Years." Heeseung blurted. I stared in confusion. He rolled his eyes and sat beside me.

His warm aura washed over me again. I tried to nonchalantly slip the blanket off a little. "I know you're going to drink and I'm not going to let you just because it's New Years." Heeseung explained, looking me deep in my eyes.

Yeah right. He cant control me. I scoffed and just continued to eat. "I'm being serious Jeongmi." He said, his tone showing that he really was serious. I ignored him, keeping my eyes on my phone.

Heeseung sighed but let it pass. Well so I thought. "Yknow I don't appreciate you ignoring me as much as you do these days. Especially during practice." Heeseung admitted. I looked at him almost as if "are you serious?".

"You really should listen to me. I'm trying to keep you from getting hate from stupid neitizens, and I'm trying to keep you from worsening your drinking problem and you are just not listening to me." Heeseung continued on.

I frowned and looked away. Hes right I suppose but did he have to be so harsh about it? No. Is he borderline verbally abusive about it? Yes. So I mean you expect me to try and not avoid it?

I've had enough of that in the past and I am NOT about to willingly relive that. Yet, I shouldnt put that on Heeseung. I could never. I huffed and slid my food away from me, now feeling sick.

Thanks Hee.