the new day - samuel kiszka (greta van fleet)

22- can i believe you

Josh insisted on watching Brave New World, though we'd already seen it god knows how many times together. It was one of his favorites, but to be honest it was really growing on me too, though i'd never give that nerd the satisfaction of knowing it.

It was getting late and Brave New World was nearly coming to an end. Josh was happy, but not his normal self. I could tell he was thinking a lot. All of them were acting different, as was I. None of us were the same, and it broke me even more.

I had never realized that one little person could have such an impact on a family like that, and it scared me so much. I was scared of the future and scared of what was going to happen with our lives. I wanted to go to college, they wanted to make it big, Sam and I wanted to be together.

If we hadn't had such impacts on eachother in such a short amount of time, maybe it would be easier for one of us to walk away when the time came.

Thinking about it sent me into a spiral when I was already going though it mentally, so I focused back on the movie, laying my head on Sams shoulder. There was a disconnect in the atmosphere, surely because of the encounter I had the night before with Eric.

I felt bad for effecting them, though there was nothing I could really do to prevent it from happening.

The movie ended, Sam and I parting ways with the boys and heading to his room.

We both laid on his bed, our hands interlocked as we looked up at posters covering his ceiling. He had more posters than i'd ever imagined a singular teenage boy could have, and they were good ones at that. He had everything; Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, Jack Bruce, Cream, Lynard Skynard, Stephen Stills, and even one Fleet Foxes one, which I was absolutely positive that either 1. he had received from Josh, or 2. he had stolen from Josh when he wasn't paying attention. That thought alone made my laugh to myself.

"What are you laughing at." Sam asked, nudging my arm with his elbow.

"Your posters." I shrugged, looking over to him with a smile.

"There's nothin funny about 'em." he argued, "I'd argue it's impressive even." he added with a slight hint of pride.

"There's no doubting that, Sammy." I agreed, calming his playfully defensive nature, "Ive just never seen anything like it." I continued, making him smile yet again. That smile was everything and more. It was soft but inviting, and it was unparalleled to anyone else's that i'd met in my 17 years (i know that's not many but still).

The night grew dark as we listened to music and rambled on and on. I was in a way distracting myself from how I was feeling deep down, and Sam had to have known. He didn't want to push anything, and for that I was grateful.

"Let's go to the roof and look at the stars," he urged, standing up and holding his hands out, offering to pull me up with him.

"Thank you, good sir." I smiled, accepting his hands and standing up quickly.

He gave me one of his hoodies, putting one on himself afterwards, before opening the window for us to head out onto the roof. The moon was nearly full, and as beautiful as ever. The stars were bright and abundant, almost like freckly cheeks in the peak of a hot summer.

We both laid down on the roofing tiles, and I leaned up against his side.

"This is where we've had some of our best conversations, ya know." he mentioned, breaking the silence we had started with upon laying down.

"You're right," I whispered, thinking of the memories we had already had in only months of being best friends. It was strange to have someone you could tell every single little thing about yourself, but it was all the more comforting, especially in a new place.

"I remember the first time I saw you." he added, averting his eyes from the sky and over to my face,

"I remember you were standing in your window, no makeup on and in your pajamas." he smiled to himself, he seemed to be relishing in the thought.

"I remember thinking to myself That has got to be one of the most mesmerizing people i've ever laid my eyes on. I need to know her." he added, reaching his left hand over to interlock our fingers.

"Really?" I asked, knowing damn well he probably wouldn't be like "Nahh, i'm messing with you."

"Of course. I was right though." he smirked cockily as he stared up in the sky again.

"That next morning at breakfast, Josh, Mom, and my Dad were glowing when they talked about first meeting you. Josh went on and on about how sweet and adorable you were, and funny too. I felt like I was late to yet another thing in our lives. I've always been the baby and I guess I saw you as another missed opportunity to have someone there." he sighed, I could tell it was taking a lot for him to say all of the things he had pent up in his mind for months..

"Don't get me wrong, I love Josh more than anything, but I was overcome with jealousy- jealousy that wasn't needed. Which I would have easily found out if I'd grown a pair and just got my ass over there to talk to you." he grumbled, earning a solid giggle from me. His voice when he admits he was in the wrong never fails to make me laugh, not because i'm satisfied, but because of the facial expression that comes with is. He uses his low quiet voice and his eyebrows scrunch up in the middle.

"What i'm trying to say is..." his voice trailed off just when I had thought he was done rambling on,

"You can tell me anything on your mind, ever. Ever since that day I saw you in the window I knew that i'd be anything you wanted me to be. Best friend, lover, frenemy, I don't care, but I want you to know that it will be okay. You can let it out if you want to let it out, ya know?"

I knew he was right, I knew that I could tell him how I was feeling- empty, betrayed, sad, still dirty even, but I didn't think I could bring myself to. I didn't want to be a burden, not to anyone anymore. My friends back home never reached out, and even when I was there they didn't seem to appreciate my presence anyway.

"I'm just trying to cope on my own, that's all. I promise it will be okay, and if I want to talk more about it, I will." I sighed, squeezing his hand in mine. I was relieved that he was never one to push, only encourage. I wanted to change the subject back to the night we first saw each other.

"That night I remember that after I saw you for the first time I knew I would be okay. I thought to myself "I think i'm gonna like it here." Not when I met Josh, though he was a little ball of sunshine that's for sure. He just wasn't you." I smiled, thinking of the way he played his bass without a single care in the world that day.

We continued to talk for about an hour or so, pointing out the few constellations that we had remembered from random lessons throughout our years of elementary and middle school.

I could only recall the little dipper, and Sam could barely even remember what that one looked like. Both Sam and I ended up agreeing that if we were going to continue spending our time out here at night, we were going to need to do our research on the whole astronomy thing.

That night, I fell asleep laying in Sam's chest, the cold Michigan breeze tousling our hair in the wind and blowing around the first of the fall leaves.

I was avoiding. Avoid is my middle name, in case you didn't know. Sam knew all too well, and I was too tired to pull myself away from the horrid title.

Though it was avoidance- for just a moment, I convinced myself that it would all be okay.