Deeper Healing

07| Deeply Carnal

Leilani Edwards

I never thought a single moment would feel so natural and fucking perfect until I slow-danced with Nikolai Coleman.

The way his captivating eyes held me under an intense gaze of thrilling mystery was one mystifying thing, but the way he held me securely in his strong arms and whispered wickedly stimulating things against my skin was another delicate seductive whisper of how the situation was slipping out of my control.

I was convinced I wasn't drunk, but the only logical explanation of how I had nearly come undone with my supple body pressed into his firm build and my dirty little tongue spiralling out of control was my brain cells were either malfunctioning or I was intoxicated.

Never in my life had I done something so dangerous, jumping into a blazing fire to burn and get burnt, as long as for a sole moment, I gave my body what it demanded.

The way I had reacted to the dangerous proximity, breathing all of him in like he was life itself and nearly nibbling on his earlobe gave me a rather rude and harsh confirmation of my fears.

My body craved a man's touch. I was burning to feel something deep inside me other than the emptiness and pent-up bitterness of being ruthlessly disappointed and cast aside by not only the man I thought was my soul mate but life itself in general.

I found myself once again, resorting to that destructive and consuming desire of trying to mask pain and agonising frustration with something more physical, raw and deeply carnal. The strong urge to pretend nothing existed for a moment and feel something different for a change.

Looking up at Nikolai and seeing the bedazzlement and mixed feelings in his eyes made me cringe at my actions. Surely, he didn't deserve to be dragged into my raging self-conflict of seeking something temporary to suppress a feeling that felt permanent.

Only heaven knew the image of me he had in his mind after what had just happened. Had I just embarrassed myself and passed off some sick vibes he wasn't catching?

I tore my quizzical gaze from Nikolai when the crowd erupted into a round of applause. I took shallow breaths, looking around me. A small fake smile crept onto my lips. They were all watching and I wasn't going to let my paranoia ruin the moment. I had to finish what I had started.

Nikolai didn't say a word. Instead, he suddenly seemed tense. He didn't look mad or bitter. I had no idea what he was feeling or thinking and that made me feel withdrawn from the moment.

At least he wasn't neglecting me as his date. When everyone was called to face upfront and pay attention, he guided me by the small of my back and stood close to me. He was such a gentleman and it made me hate myself even more.

The hosts and their families stood up front, addressing the crowd. Blake Edwards in particular held the mic, proudly addressing the guests.

I hadn't seen him in person in a while by choice, and he hadn't changed at all. He had long dyed his natural red hair dark brown, and he still looked good anyway. He was my biological father. I couldn't change that fact despite how much I despised it.

The original source of my hatred was his absence from my life all my life in general. If he had been present, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have been raised the way I had and my mother wouldn't have had to carry the burden all by herself.

As I grew older and wiser, I could list many more reasons why I hated him, but what seemed to top the list every time was the bitterness I felt towards him for stealing my mother away from me. He stole her and couldn't protect her in the end.