The Touch of Jack Frost (Weak Hero)

... (12-31-22)

Ben looked glassy eyed out the window. One might interpret his silence as emptiness and thoughtlessness, though that couldn't be farther from the truth. Ben Park was surely thinking, way too much.

Gray.

Teddy.

Rowan.

Eugene.

Alex.

Oh Alex. Alex. Alex. He'd died on the way to Ben's house after all. The boy probably walked with a stupid grin across his face, laughing at his own joke.

Ben had died so many times.

The first time was with Gray, when his chest had squeezed tight and he'd forced a smile to his face. "Hey guys," He'd comforted, "We'll be alright, it's okay!" They were six strong then. Six. Six. Six.

The second time was with Eugene, who's young light had been snuffed out by someone Ben could've killed had he been there. He should've been there. Why wasn't he there? What was more important than Eugene's life? That evening, on call as they'd all cried. Ben had fought back tears and smiled, "Everything is still okay guys, we have each other still." As their leader, Ben felt it necessary to stay strong. For each of them. Once his guard fell and he cried, it was over. Five is fine. Five is fine. Fine. Five.

The third time was with Teddy, Ben walked to Teddy's house the next day. Some stupid plan to beat the absolute shit out of his dad, he'd seen it before the cops. The bruises. The fear. In Ben's mind, there was no other culprit for someone who'd beat Teddy to death. The only person who could ever get the best of Teddy so miserably, was someone he feared. Seeing as how one of the two people he feared was dead, the only person left was Teddy's father. It seemed the police thought so too, as the house was empty when Ben arrived with a letter on the door. Smile he pleaded with himself. "We're okay guys, we'll stay strong." Four. Four. Four. No more please, please leave it with four. Please.

Stay strong Ben Park.

The fourth time was with Rowan, the boy who he'd never wrestle with again. The boy who'd never again teach him English phrases and Australian slang. Never again would he throw an elbow and make a witty comment or far fetched story. Ben Park would never ruin the boy's hair or make his day at an arcade. Still, he could be strong. Still he could hold on. Still. "Let's stick together." Is what he'd said. He meant, "Please don't walk around alone, I don't want to lose you guys too." That night, Ben had bawled so hard that his eyes refused to cry anymore. His chest had shook with such foreign vulnerably. Yet it was till okay. There were still three. Three. Three. Three. Three. Three. Three. Three. Three.

The last time Ben Park thought he would ever die, is when he heard about Alex. All this time he could hold strong and smile. All this time he could spout motivation like a preacher. And then his time was up. That was the day Ben Park died. Every flicker of light within him was snuffed and Alex was gone. Alex was cold. Alex was coming over. Alex was walking alone. Alex was dead. Alex was hurting. Alex. Alex. Gogo. Gogo was dead. Ben would never see him again. 
Not his stupid grin, ear to ear, when he won in any game against Ben. He was never heard the name Big Ben come from his lips. They'd never play Tekken again. It was over. Gogo, Alex, had died and on that very day so had Ben.

He was alone.

All alone.

Then there was Gerard, who was also alone. It's hard to believe, but Gerard's death killed Ben more than Alex's. He was there, Gerard reached out a hand and Ben watched him fall. He didn't extend his own. Instead, Ben said "I am alone, no one is here for me." 

"I am here for you!" Gerard had screamed and Ben had averted his gaze.

"I have nothing to say to you."

The memory warped, already it was ugly but now it was beyond that. It was repulsive to the point that Ben puke immediately recalling the instance. Gerard was gone. Just like Gray. Just like Eugene. Just like Teddy. Just like Rowan. Just like Gogo. Just like himself.

In Ben's hand was seven small pills that he'd swiped from the medicine cabinet. They belonged to his grandmother, but now, as their weight sat like heavy burning stone, they were his.

His choice.

Thoughtlessly, he tilted his head back and dry swallowed them all at once. Sinking into a violently coughing fit, which he believed he completely deserved. "I'm sorry," He croaked, thinking of the last time all of them had been out together, happy. Smiling. Breathing. Talking. Alive. Alive. Alive.

It was too long ago.

Slipping.

Ben Park was slipping and he knew it, this was the plan after all. He'd done horrible things, so why should he get to live when Gray was dead. Gray was a sweetheart, misunderstood and in pain. He didn't deserve to die. Eugene? He had never done anything wrong in his life. Sure Teddy had started off on the wrong foot, but he came around in the end. 
Ben laughed at the thought.
Rowan was silly. Gerard, Oh God Gerard. Gerard was hurting and trying his best just like everyone else.

None of them deserved it.

Ben however? Guilt had eaten him hollow and poisoned his bones. His mind followed suite. Survivors guilt, why should he be alive when they'd all died.

Slipping.

All of this because of the virus that had ransacked half the world. Sweeping everyone off their feet, even the bright Gray Yeon. The touch of Jack Frost/

He smiled. Breathing slowing.

Inhale.

Maybe he'd get to see them again, and if they wanted, he could still be their leader. They could still smile and laugh and breathe and play game together. 

Ben stopped.

They wouldn't blame him for what happened to them. However, what he'd done to himself?

What had he done?

What the fuck had he done?

Why had he-?

Exhale.

His hand dropped, regrets still fresh on his tongue.

Why?

Why?!

WHY?!

.

.

.

Pity.

This was how Ben Park died his final time. Never to cry again, nor hurt. In the end, I suppose everything worked itself out.

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