Every Memory Repeats

Chapter 30

Nate looked at Roman funny, as if his question was odd, but he replied, "I's always been with them. My Mother loved me so, so, so, so, so much, that she asked them to love me, cause she had to go to the place. She asked my Mommy and my Daddy to make me their child, and love me fowever. So's they adopted me, and now they'we my Mommy and Daddy!" Nate seemed so proud of his explanation, that Roman chuckled. The child was amazing, and Roman realized, without his veil of bitterness and anger, that when he'd come home last time...Eric had been amazing...Sami had been amazing...and if he'd given her half a chance, Carrie was probably amazing as well.

The door to the kitchen opened, and Roman heard, "Nathaniel Brady Black! You left a mess all over the—" Marlena stopped in her tracks, staring warily at the man sitting in one of the kitchen chairs, "Roman..."

"Hey, Doc," he said.

She felt her chest tighten, glancing over at Nate, and she said to Roman, "When did you get here?"

"Just now," he said softly.

She glanced at Nate again quickly, and told him, "Please clean up that mess in the other room. I don't want your Grandpa to trip over it, and you know he can't navigate very well."

Nate leaned towards Roman, and whispered, "He gots a cane, 'cause he felled down the stairs once, and broke a hip or something."

Roman looked to Marlena again, "Pop fell down the stairs?"

"A few years ago," she said warily, stepping into the room. Roman noticed her abdomen was round with advanced pregnancy. "Roman, why didn't you let anyone know you were coming home?"

"I thought I'd surprise everyone," he said with a wry chuckle. "I guess I'm the one who's surprised." She didn't say anything, she continued to watch him. Roman sighed, and said, "I'm fine, Doc. I'm fine. It's amazing what government ordered therapy will do for a guy. It was the fancy therapy, too, Doc. Cognitive Processing Therapy they called it."

"I'm familiar with it," she said quietly.

"So, am I aware that I fucked up? Yeah. Yeah, I fucked up. Can I fix it?" he asked her quietly. "Probably not...but I can try to mend it, I guess."

"Nate is happy," she said quietly. "I don't want you trying to take him from the only family he knows. He's been raised with his siblings, and if you—"

"—that was never my plan," Roman told her. "Billie...whatever happened with Billie, she made—she made the right choice. The boy is smart, articulate, and it's obvious that he's loved. I'm not here to ruin that. I came home, because I got my shit together, and I have amends to make with the people in my life. I don't have any grand illusions that doing it will be easy. I imagine it's going to be pretty fucking hard."

Marlena sat on the far side of the table, "It's going to be hardest with Carrie. Roman you've been gone almost seven years."

"I don't have excuses," he said. "When I first left...I blamed everyone except myself for the things I felt were wrong in my life. I blamed you, for loving John. I blamed my family for accepting him. I blamed Eric and Sami for thinking he was their father...when I should have been trying to find a way to cope with my nightmares, my irrational anger, my debilitating fear at the smallest things."

"I wanted to help you," Marlena said softly. "I knew you were suffering, but you refused to discuss it."

"Discussing it meant it was real, that it had happened to me," he said quietly. "At the time it was much easier to stand outside of what Stefano had done to me, and pretend he did it to someone else."

"That's a trauma response."

"I wouldn't have listened to you. You know that, Doc. I was too angry with you...I couldn't aim my anger at Stefano, which is where it rightfully belonged, so I took all of that anger and rage, and I targeted you, the children...John, even my family," Roman said.

"I'm glad you got help," she whispered.

"I'm glad you're happy, Doc."

"I am," she said. "...are you happy?"

"I'm working on it," Roman told her. "I'm working on it...I hear Eric is in San Francisco?"

Marlena smiled with pride, "He is. His baseball team made it into some tournament in San Francisco. John has been coaching since you left."

Roman pushed his jealousy down again, "And Sami?"

"She's interning at Black Securities," Marlena said. "She's decided that being a secret agent is too dangerous, so now she's trying to understand how John's security firm works this summer. Carrie, well, Carrie finished school almost two years ago. She's working in public relations in Seattle...She's married."

"Married?" Roman repeated. Carrie was his little girl. Carrie was the one he carried on his shoulders through the fall festival, and told bedtime stories to when she was frightened at night.

Marlena whispered softly, "Time doesn't slow down for us, Roman."

"I know," he said sadly. "So her husband...is he good to her?"

"He is. Oddly enough, she married Nate's uncle," Marlena said with a light laugh. "Austin Reed." Roman sat across from Marlena, quietly trying to process the information she was handing him. Marlena continued, running her palm softly over her rounded belly, "She's having a baby in August. We're going to be grandparents, which is hard to believe since this surprise decided to come along. I never thought I'd be having another child at the age of forty-six."

"Are you excited?"

"Excited... a little scared," she said. "John and I found out we were pregnant with Sophia and Willow less than two weeks after Nate was born. It was chaotic for awhile. Nate and Eric, being the only boys, are very close. This baby...another girl."

"How does John feel about another girl?"

"John loves babies, so the gender doesn't matter," Marlena told him. Roman looked aged, as if he had been through so much. She asked him, "What made you decide to come home?"

"I'm tired," he said softly. "My assignment ended over a year ago, because I was shot. I nearly died. The ISA blamed me, and I can accept that it was my fault. I made a hot-headed, impulsive decision that risked the lives of my men. I was given two choices...but they weren't really choices. Court-martial, or eighteen months in a government mental health treatment facility. You can imagine what I chose."

"Roman!" Marlena gasped.

"Doc, don't pity me...don't. Everything happens for a reason, and if it hadn't happened...I wouldn't be here right now. I might not even be alive," he told her. Leaning back in his chair, he said, "I'd like to see Sami and Eric, but they're sixteen now...I can't force them to see me."

"It might be best to start slow," she said carefully. "I don't want you to have very high expectations, and be angry or disappointed."

"Doc, John is their Dad. I know that. As much as I wish I'd been here for them, I wasn't. I've accepted that I failed them, and I'm grateful that he was here to be a better man than I was," Roman replied. "I'm not hoping for anything more than to have them in my life. I can be their father...but just like Nate, I can never be their Daddy. I've accepted that."

Marlena wiped tears from her cheek, and said, "They are happy, Roman. They are loved beyond anything you could imagine."

"Mommy!" Nate said running into the room. "I told Gwandma my Father was here, and she cried. What's she crying for? She wants to see him, but she's got Willow thwowing up in the bathwoom."

Marlena looked at Roman, "You're probably going to get the flu, being in this house, but come on...you can meet Willow and Sophia."

"Isn't Sophia sick?" Roman asked her warily.

"Yes, but now...so is Willow," she replied.

"Gwandpa says its a two-fwer!" Nate yelled excitedly. "Mommy, what's a two-fwer?"

Laughing, Marlena replied, "I'll have your Grandpa explain it later." Reaching for her sons hand, she said, "Lead the way, little man."