"Do you want to talk about where those emotions come from?" he asked.
Dr.Marshall knew my upbringing to an extent. He knew about my father, his abuse, and how he tried to send me away to some conversion camp. He knew about how I acted back in school, how I was mean and angry and resentful. But I never went into too much detail. Part of me knew that therapy would only help if I gave the effort, but the other part still wanted to keep everything locked away, not wanting to relive any of the moments with my father.
"Mostly from my father," I said, wrapping the blanket tighter around me like it would somehow shield me from judgement.
"He made you feel ashamed of who you are," he said. "And that shame is still there. That shame leads you to feeling embarrassed and sad and angry."
I hated being analyzed like this, even if it was coming from Dr. Marshall, who was doing it to help me, and not Wren, who did it to annoy me.
"I guess," I agreed.
"Do you remember when your father first made you feel ashamed?"
It was hard to think back that far. It brought on too many unpleasant memories.
My father probably knew I was gay before I even knew. It seemed like that anyway. He never wanted me being too close to any of my friends, didn't let anyone stay over or be in my room. I never understood why until one day I asked him about it.
*
"But why Dad?" I whined following him into the kitchen. It was Friday afternoon. Dad had just gotten home from work when I asked him if a couple of my friends could stay over. He immediately said no. I knew he would.
"Because I said so, Landon," Dad replied, grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water.
"It's just Micah and Elijah, Dad, please," I begged. I had stayed over both of their houses before, but Dad had stopped letting me. I thought it would be different if they stayed here.
"You think I don't see the way you look at Elijah?" he snapped, setting his glass down on the counter.
It felt like I had been hit with a brick. My eyes widened and I nearly stopped breathing. He couldn't mean what I thought he meant.
"Or the way you act around him at church and at hockey?" he continued. "You want all of his attention. I'm telling you right now that it needs to stop. I clearly can't trust you to spend too much time with those boys. You're too old to be having sleepovers anyway."
I was only eleven.
"I don't understand," I said, my voice quiet and shaking.
He gave me a knowing look. "Yes, you do."
*
He didn't bring it up again for a while, probably thinking if he just let it be that it would go away soon enough. But a few months later, he realized that it wouldn't when he saw me hugging Elijah one day after hockey practice. He was furious with me. That was the first time he explicitly brought up my sexuality.
*
Dad was fuming when I got in the car after practice. He wouldn't even look at me. He just silently stared through the windshield while I threw my things in the backseat before climbing into the passenger's seat beside him.
"I hope you're not too tired," Dad said, his voice low.
"I'm exhausted."
"Well, you still have training to do at home," he said. "I'm going to work you so hard you won't be able to stand when you're done. You know why?"
YOU ARE READING
Ice Cold
General Fiction[boyxboy] Wren Ridley is always two steps ahead of everyone, or so he thinks. His life seems out of his control when he starts having feelings for someone he knows he shouldn't, someone who he's better off avoiding at all costs. Landon Reilly is st...
