Memoirs of the Lost Loser

Bargain and Begging

And what if he doesn't reciprocate? Feelings can be misinterpreted for a lot of things like lust or loneliness. Or maybe he pities you? Unlikely. He's the last person you'll think of getting close to someone because he feels sorry about your situation.

Or maybe because you're the fresh meat and he's never seen an alien up close. Once the shine fades, you'll be nothing but another soldier for him.

Besides, if you stay here, you'll be leaving your entire life— your world, your family... Arianne behind. Are you ready for that commitment?

Of course not. You will never make that much sacrifice for some man just because he's restocking the medicine box.

That would be the stupidest decision you will never make.

It's selfish for your family and Arianne.

And a total crush to your self-respect.

"I was just surprised," You repeatedly muttered to yourself. That's probably it. You chuckled, refocusing your sights on the now absolute darkness. The earthy, almost fishy scent of the burnt out candles lingered in your nostrils when you found a sensible reason why Levi of tonight was branded in your memory.

"I didn't expect him to have another side, that's all. I was just surprised. It's the thrill of discovering something new. Learning new things is thrilling right? That's why he made an impression. There's no way I'm overthinking about him—"

"Overthinking who? You busy?" Soft light was gently reintroduced in your eyes, Miche's tall figure greeted you in the doorless door frame. His height alone was enough to intimidate you if he didn't wear a forced smile. The iridescent burnt marks of his blade holders reflected against the lamplight as they noisily clanked in the side of his thighs.

"Sir Miche," You tried to stand from the stall you were seated and thank goodness for Miche catching you just in time before you twisted another ankle. His palm cupped your elbow, his rough calluses pressed against your skin.

You could smell the cold night air he brought with him when he was this close. Hmm, the man had been busy.

"Careful sweetheart, we don't want you more broken than you're now." He sat you right up, making you uncomfortable with his bear-like hands on your ribs.

"I thought that since you're not in the ward or in your barracks, you'd be here."

You didn't respond right away. You have to focus. Someone's life— a family's life that's just about to start is at stake because of your untimely self-reflection.

"You okay?" Miche ask.

The lamp he brought was enough to cast light on the table, illuminating the laid out blueprints that busied your crowded plane.

"I'm—" You paused and sighed, mentally looking for a better word than 'fine'. "I'm doing better, is there anything I can do for you sir?"

"Yes."

"Please—"

"I'll be direct. Why was Nanaba with you in the forest, and why didn't you want her out of the cell?" Well, he wasn't kidding with the directness.

You blinked. A lot. Your eyes wandered around the room. You looked anywhere but his direction. You looked like a liar looking for excuses.

"Sir, have you asked ma'am Nanaba—"

"No time to meet her. The questions, Johnson."

"S-Sir, I'm not in the position to answer..."

"But why didn't you want her out? Look at me and answer the damn question, Johnson." His patience was turning to a controlled growl.