Alter: Glitch

14

Are you okay?

Kapag may nagtatanong noon sa akin... yes I'm okay.

Pag ba sinabi kong hindi may magagawa sila? Pag ba sinabi kong hindi, will they try to make me feel better?

And even if they try, hindi rin sila magiging successful.

I was built this way. I'm an introvert who's got lots of issues. I'm insecure and always lacks confidence. I don't know how to socialize. I don't even know why I exist.

Staring at the ceiling of my room makes me ponder about everything.

I'm not okay. I'm slowly losing my mind dahil sa mga nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko.

No matter how I try to understand sudden changes around me, bumabalik lang ulit ako sa umpisa.

Iiyak nang mag-isa, iniisip na kasalanan ko lahat ito.

I was done with this phase. I had recovered from this pero bakit nandito na naman ako?

My classmates... they're all successful now. Napag-iwanan na ako. I even sold my principles just for money.

I don't even know myself anymore. Everytime I look into the mirror, I feel rage going up to my head.

Where does all of this hate come from?

My parents... my insecurities... my jealousy...

They are the root of all of this and I hated it. But I hate myself more...

This is all in my head... I know my thoughts are the reason for everything. But I'm just so weak.

If I disappear, would this suffering end?

I smirked. My eyes turned lifeless. That sudden thought awakened something inside me. Something that I don't know.

"Tama..." I uttered. "You're useless... you deserve these things..."

Napahawak ako sa ulo ko atsaka sinabunutan ang sarili. Napaupo ako dahil sa biglang pagsakit noon.

Pag nawala ka,walang manghihinayang..

I tightened my grip on my hair. I started banging my head on the wall.

For some reason, I can't feel anything.

Everytime something inside me shows up... I do this. My rage is taking control of me.

It had always been a me vs self conflict. Wala naman talaga akong ibang kalaban. Laging sarili ko lang.

My thoughts always swallows me like a food that it likes to eat.

Nalaglag ang journal ko...

************

Nag-away kami ni mama. Ayaw niya sa gusto ko. Gusto ning maging engineer ako pero ang gusto kong kunin ay IT. I wanted to have the choice for myself. Ano bang problema don?

Makasarili daw ako... I hate that choosing makes me look bad.

************

"Tama ang mga magulang mo..." I told myself. "Mali ang pinili mo."

Makasarili ba talaga ako?

Pangarap ko iyon. I made that choice to make myself happy. Iyon ang lagi kong iniisip para majustify ang mga desisyon na ginawa ko.

"Oo... makasarili ka..."

Am I talking to myself?

Napatayo ako dahil sa takot. Kinakausap ko na ang sarili ko. It's terrifying.