Daisy

04

Walker

She celebrates my birthday every year and I had no idea. 

For nine years. For nine years she was lighting candles, celebrating my birthday because she didn't know if the old me had anyone else to celebrate for me. 

I don't know why, but I genuinely feel choked up at the thought. 

She's just...so sweet. 

So kind, and I can't even say that I'm surprised. 

Although, I can't say I like it. I didn't go through even half of what she did, and I can barely talk to people anymore, barely trust them. It took me so long to be able to trust Nolan, and Jay. It took me even longer to trust Finn, Bev and Ezra. I always thought Finn was hiding something, he had more secrets than he was letting on. 

Ezra and Bev are just blabbermouths. 

I didn't even mean to tell Nolan about my past. If it weren't for that drunken night, no one would know. 

Now, thanks to my blabbering, Nolan knows. He doesn't know about Lennon, though. He knows there's a girl involved, knows everything about what happened, but I didn't tell him her name. Telling him felt wrong, to me. Her name felt like a secret, a sacred thing I could just keep to myself.

I only told him the basic version of it, which isn't a lot, but it's a lot for me, considering that I can barely speak a word about it to anyone. 

So the fact that Lennon can do it without any hesitation at all is just astounding to me. 

I know I should tell her the truth, that it's me. But I just...can't find the words. She was in so much pain when she told me about her yearly tradition. Her lip quivered, her voice wavered, and her eyes were glossed over. 

All I wanted to do was tell her that it was me. That I'm still alive. My lips formed the words, but I couldn't speak. I was about to tell her the words, I was about to tell her. But you've gotta understand, it's hard to do so when you've never uttered a word about what happened. 

When you've never been allowed to. 

I'm sitting in my dorm, on the couch reading, when Nolan walks in and plops himself right next to me. "Hey, you okay?" He asks. "You seemed off today." He crosses his arms over his chest, a relaxed demeanor. His face lights up. "Hey, that rhymed." He smiles at himself. 

I sigh. "Yeah, I'm fine." I try to go back to my book, but Nolan presses. "You were weird around her today, bro. Like I've never seen you so internally flustered," He smirks. "Never knew talkative girls were your type." He rests his head on the couch behind him, closing eyes. 

I go back to my book, but when I feel a hole burning through my head, I look back at him. One of his eyes is cracked open, peering at me. The other is closed. "What the fuck are you doing?" I close my book.

He raises his hands up in defensiveness. "I was waiting for you to keep talking but then you stopped." He shrugs. "You looked at me at the wrong time, so it looked creepy." 

"You're creepy either way." He opens his eyes fully, looking genuinely hurt by that. Out of all the dumb insults we spew at each other, it's in character for him to be offended at something stupid like calling him creepy.